advice welcome - cheating other half or just fun?

spender£

i'm really really confused and dont know what to do. I have been seeing my other half for a couple of years off and on (moved abroad for a bit inbetween). he has always been fairly honest about how coming out of a long marriage has meant he is not sure he wants to settle down and promise me babies at the moment. but we figured its not that pressing and see what happens. after returning home to the Uk we started seeing each other again, it happened slowly so we never had the "well is this it - we're gonna run off into the sunset and be exclusive" but he knows me and knows what i want and knows that i wouldn't accept an open relationship. this started end of Jan.
the last couple of months things seem to have been moving forward, we now speak every day on the phone (we live far apart) see each other much more, and been away for weekends and meant to be going on summer holiday in a couple of weeks abroad. and he has stopped talking about fear of relationships and started talking of the future, no promises but more of " chil lets go with the flow see where we get to kind of thing.

Now please dont bother writing back that i shouldn't have done this, i know. but i just randomly tried out an old password he told me on his fb account. i've known this password for years and never hacked into anything before. I honestly dont know why i did it - things seem to be going well, no reason to expect otherwise

Of course, i didn't find what i liked. :eek: he basically went speed dating on his own back in the begining of the year. when we were meant to be together, albeit not as close as we are now and initiated contact with this woman in the vein of wanting something to happen. ie no mention of me, mentioning how he liked her etc. from what i can tell they haven't met up, but the mailing has continued up until this day. nothing dirty. last few weren't even flirty, but he is still suggesting they meet for a drink.

Now - should i kick him to the curb, should i see what happens, am i being a mug:rotfl:

thing that really hurts is that we have been friends and known each other for 4/5 years and i would NEVER expect him to be capable of this. But in these emails he almost seems like a different person....

BitterAndTwisted

I don't think you're being a mug, he hasn't done anything. Yet. It's entirely possible that this woman is a business contact that he's flirting with or something and it's not like they're exchanging flirty smut. He might be on the verge of doing something reprehensible but you actually have.

hieveryone

So when he was out of the UK, he was going on speed dates and messaging a women that he 'liked', but when he came back to the UK he was straight back to you?

Well it seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it as they say. I never understand why people put up with 'on-off' relationships, surely it must drain your energy never knowing where you stand?

Anyway, my honest advice is to get rid. I know that might be hard to hear but if he's doing that kind of thing relatively early on in the relationship, not to mention the tell tale 'I'm not ready for a serious relationship', then it flags serious warning bells in my mind.

diable

It looks like you are searching for some dirt on him and I will leave it at that.

Volcano

Put your foot down with him. Say "things have changed, I want to be with you, I've had enough of this long-distance erratic relationship and want us to move in together".

He's had at least 2 years to get over his other relationship, it's time he grew some, stopped with the whinging "ooh..I'm not sure, I've been hurt, don't rush me..." spineless whimpering and sorted himself out!

You can't be expected to hang around until a) he decides what he wants or b) gets off with someone else, you need to consider what you want for a change rather than just what he wants.

If he bottles it and runs off then you've got shot of him and he wasn't worth it, so now you can find someone better (as you're considering doing anyway).

If he stays with you then hopefully it's worked and he's had the kick up the backside he needs.

woody01

Let's be honest.
If, as you say, it has never been a total 1on1 relationsip between you and him, then you have only scratched the surface.

Going abroad to work and keeping himself 'true to you'? Nah.......it just hasn't happened.

Personally, if you looked through my private stuff, as you have his, i would kick you into touch anyway.
He isn't commited, and never has been, to you anyway. This is obvious.

Sorry...but true.

hot.chick

sadly it'snot this other woman you should be worried about.

he's not really giving you what you want - chill see where we end up is by no means signs of commitment...

he enjoyes having you around as his girly friend to speak to and go away with - but if it came to the crunch would he move in and commit rather than lose you - this would be a test of what he really wants and if you don't want the same things in the future then you should really think about how much time you want to invest in this....

you only have one life - don't waste your time on someone who doesn't share your dreams...

Ivrytwr3

i think you need to lay some ground rules and ask exactly where the relationship is and if he see's it going anywhere. If it is, then you are faithful to each other, if not, chuck him, move on with your life and stop wasting your time.

fsrandom

Good morning,

You've done the right thing in asking for advice, I've known people enter into a situation like this, think about it too much and having it destroy there relationship when ultimately the issue wasn't what it appeared.

Whilst it's the hardest solution I think you should sit down with him and talk about being exclusive, and what you would do if you discovered he was cheating, and also, visa versa.

Do not let on that you accessed his accounts, as this will just make him think you do not trust him, whilst is a windy road to failure.

I hope this helps and I hope you have a good day!

belfastgirl23

OK so you have never properly talked about any of this. He has told you really clearly that he isn't looking to commit (I don't mean this in a bad way, he obviously has his reasons and he's been upfront with you which is more than a lot of men manage). But you think he knows you didn't want an open relationship. To me you have both ended up assuming entirely different things about the relationship. And if you've been living in different places a committed relationship was always going to be a challenge.

I actually don't think he's behaved particularly badly. I think he was honest with you about what the nature of your relationship is, it's just that you have chosen not to believe him.

That said, in terms of the way ahead fsrandom has it right I think...

milliemonster

After a couple of years together, if he can't decide by now whether he has a future with you or not then it's obviously not meant to be. please don't waste your life waiting in the vain hope he will soon declare undying love for you, if it hasn't happened by now then it is unlikely to and all this time you can have met someone else who could have been true to you.

It sounds like you both want different things, you want to settle with someone and he isn't quite ready for committment (will he ever be?) you obviously aren't 'the one' for him otherwise he wouldn't be so vague when you discuss where your relationship is going and coming out with 'see what happens'

I think at this point now you should have a hear to heart about what you want from the relationship and get him to be completely honest with you about how he feels, no more 'see what happens' you need to know whether there is a future, if your gut feeling continues to tell you that he will never either make up his mind or commit to you then walk away and meet someone who will give you the love and committment you deserve