advice welcome - cheating other half or just fun?

Gavin83

financegirl wrote: »

Hi Gavin,

I'm more than happy to answer the questions, you've asked me to.
However, I think after this we should agree to disagree, after completly hijacking this thread. OP - apologies. My answers are in bold.

I think we should carry on for a bit. Im quite enjoying our debate as it goes and the OP had her question answered long ago.

financegirl wrote: »

I think not having children for women is a 'deal breaker'. I think if a man asked a woman not to have kids, this in most cases would result in the woman leaving him - for me having children and a family unit with someone who wanted them, would be more important than staying with someone who didn't want them, and accepting that I would never have a family.

I can quite agree with you, if a woman wants kids and the man doesn't the relationship won't work. However, it wasn't my question. I was asking why a man refusing to have kids is different to a woman refusing not to have kids? You said earlier they're not the same, why not?

financegirl wrote: »

I think this is appalling. I think you should share finances, if a guy was that tight he wouldn't be worth dating.

If the woman earns far more than the man how it the man tight for not wanting to share the finances? After all, the woman would be better off if they kept the finances seperate.

Theres one main reason I feel it's better to keep them seperate. If you choose to treat your partner then it's actually a treat, it really isn't a treat if your using your shared money to buy it. Same goes for xmas presents, you are effectively buying your own presents if you share finances. If you choose to buy something for yourself (hobby, etc) then it's also easier to do with your own money as you don't need your partners permission to purchase it. I'd never see my partner go out of pocket and I hope they wouldn't either, but I don't see the problem with keeping them seperate.

I don't think sharing finances is a bad thing in a relationship, infact if I was with a girl who really wanted to I could be convinced of it. I just think keeping them seperate is easier.

financegirl wrote: »

I don't know anything about you, so wouldn't dream of it - I'm commenting on men and women in general. I'm sure whatever you do in your relationship, works perfectly well for both of you, otherwise you wouldn't be in it.

Ok, fair enough.

financegirl wrote: »

As I've said before, do feel that the majority of men do have a more competitive, hunterish streak than women. I think women are more of nest builders. I for e.g would be extremely turned off if a guy couldn't put up a shelf or fix my car, and likewise would be rather freaked out if I came home and found him sewing a button on my shirt or making curtains.

I can semi agree with you but I know loads of competitive women, probably more so than men. I don't really think competitiveness is a male trait.

I can tell you like your men particularly manly but I find it hard to believe you'd actually be turned off if a guy couldn't fix your car. We live in a bit more of a blended society today, men can generally do jobs that were once considered womanly and vice versa. Im not much good with dressmaking but I do love cooking, I don't really see this as an unsexy thing.

financegirl wrote: »

Of course he should. i wouldn't give him a call, pick him up in my car, arrange the date, pay for it, and then phone him the next day to see how he is - how very strange. I think his masculinity may be rather threatened by that. In terms of your point about physical respect - don't know what you mean. Just because I don't feel a physical attraction towards someone doesn't mean I have less respect or like them less as a person. I just would think nice guy, good person but there's no spark and that would be the end of it.

Either you date really macho beefhead guys or I just know a bunch of pansies but I really don't know any guy who'd be threatened by that. I'd certainly pay for the first date if I asked the girl out but if she didn't show any sign of willing to contribute at all it would probably put me off a bit.

I'll rephrase my point about physical respect. You expect the guy to ask you out, pick you up, pay for the date and call you the next day, what are you gonna give him in return? I don't mean sex btw, unless thats your sort of thing, just generally.

Volcano

Atomised wrote: »

, but you should always protect yourself for when they leave

If you're assuming the person will leave you, why bother with them in the first place?

larmy16

What an interesting read this thread has been. "Hey girl, put down that penis and put your clothes on" ..............that really made me chuckle. Just wondering what the OP did in the end?

I stopped responding to these kind of threads as you never find out what happened.

bryanb

larmy16 wrote: »

I stopped responding to these kind of threads as you never find out what happened.

Yeah, so did I.

financegirl

Gavin83 wrote: »

I think we should carry on for a bit. Im quite enjoying our debate as it goes and the OP had her question answered long ago.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I see you have displayed those competitive/hunterish streaks, you've been criticising me for highlighting. I said let's agree to disagree, but you wish to 'rise' to the challenge and carry on. I'll call you hunter boy from now on...:rotfl:

Gavin83 wrote: »

I was asking why a man refusing to have kids is different to a woman refusing not to have kids? You said earlier they're not the same, why not?

Gavin83 wrote: »

For most women, having a family with someone who wants them, is more important than staying with the love of her life, who doesn't want them. If a guy says I don't want us to have kids and she really does want them, but she agrees not to, cos the guy asks her to - what happens if that r/ship breaks down, and she has left it too late to have kids, she has lost the love of her life and her dream of a family. If a man said to me, i don't want us to have kids, i would finish it, as he wouldn't be part of my dreams and hopes for my future life. All men know most women want kids.

Gavin83 wrote: »

If the woman earns far more than the man how it the man tight for not wanting to share the finances?

Gavin83 wrote: »

Its not about who earns more , it's the concept of not sharing. You are together, you are planning for the future and I really find meaness the biggest turn off. Mean with money, mean with love.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I know loads of competitive women, probably more so than men.

Gavin83 wrote: »

Good for them but after i get home after a manic day which involves managing men in a stressful environment, I really don't want to toss a spanner to my boyf and say "hey buddy, let's see who can change the tyre the best". I'd rather run him a bath, cook for him and give him a massage.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I can tell you like your men particularly manly but I find it hard to believe you'd actually be turned off if a guy couldn't fix your car.

Gavin83 wrote: »

Not ashamed at all to admit that I would very much be turned off by a guy who didn't know how to fix a car. Just as I am sure most guys would be turned off by a women who didn't take pride in herself and had to come home to a filfthy house. Re manly guys - yep, it's a bit of a no brainer. if I wanted a partner with feminine qualities, I'd be a lesbian.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'd certainly pay for the first date if I asked the girl out but if she didn't show any sign of willing to contribute at all it would probably put me off a bit.

Gavin83 wrote: »

So, you don't really want to pay for the date do you? You're expecting her in some way to offer to contribute. Why can you not just pay for her and be gentelmenly about it, rather than waiting to see if she shows 'a willingness to contribute'. If a guy was concerned about this on the first date, it wouldn't bode very well for the future would it?

Gavin83 wrote: »

I'll rephrase my point about physical respect. You expect the guy to ask you out, pick you up, pay for the date and call you the next day, what are you gonna give him in return?

Gavin83 wrote: »

Define physical respect? What a bizarre term. He's asked me out, he's lucky enough to have me in his company for the evening, I don't think most guys would expect anything in return, apart from to enjoy the evening and see how it goes. If she picked you up, split the bill and then had sex with you, would you then be happy that you've got something in return???

galvanizersbaby

larmy16 wrote: »

What an interesting read this thread has been. "Hey girl, put down that penis and put your clothes on" ..............that really made me chuckle. Just wondering what the OP did in the end?

I stopped responding to these kind of threads as you never find out what happened.

I've forgotten about the OP - I'm now wondering what Financegirls BF's like having seen her list of must haves

Gavin83

financegirl wrote: »

I see you have displayed those competitive/hunterish streaks, you've been criticising me for highlighting. I said let's agree to disagree, but you wish to 'rise' to the challenge and carry on. I'll call you hunter boy from now on...:rotfl:

You could have just as easily ignored my posts but you also continue to 'rise to the challenge' and carry on posting. Does that mean you to are competitive/hunterish? I am quite a competitive person, I don't mind admitting that. I think it's a bit more of a human trait rather than a male trait though...

financegirl wrote: »

For most women, having a family with someone who wants them, is more important than staying with the love of her life, who doesn't want them. If a guy says I don't want us to have kids and she really does want them, but she agrees not to, cos the guy asks her to - what happens if that r/ship breaks down, and she has left it too late to have kids, she has lost the love of her life and her dream of a family. If a man said to me, i don't want us to have kids, i would finish it, as he wouldn't be part of my dreams and hopes for my future life. All men know most women want kids.

I think we've completely lost track of this. You said that a man doesn't love a woman if he won't have kids for her, but that a woman can love a man but still leave him because she wants children. It was this I was questioning.

Out of interest, if a man wants children but the woman doesn't, and she won't change her mind does that mean that she doesn't love him and is this the same as the other situation?

financegirl wrote: »

Its not about who earns more , it's the concept of not sharing. You are together, you are planning for the future and I really find meaness the biggest turn off. Mean with money, mean with love.

Ok, I can agree with you in many ways in regards to sharing and I see your point of view. I really don't think theres any right or wrong way in this, I'd just prefer to keep them seperate but wouldn't object to sharing if my partner wanted to.

I do find it hard to see how this viewpoint is mean though if both partners are happy with it. I find it even harder to see how a partner who wants to keep their finances to themselves is less loving than a partner who wants to share. After all money and love really should be 2 seperate entities.

financegirl wrote: »

Not ashamed at all to admit that I would very much be turned off by a guy who didn't know how to fix a car. Just as I am sure most guys would be turned off by a women who didn't take pride in herself and had to come home to a filfthy house. Re manly guys - yep, it's a bit of a no brainer. if I wanted a partner with feminine qualities, I'd be a lesbian.

When I said manly guys, I meant the type with a skinhead who doesn't like talking about how they feel. I really don't see what fixing a car has to do with anything though. Im actually quite good with cars but most guys aren't, I don't see how that makes them any less of a catch. Still, it's personal taste and I can't really bash you for it. We all have our turn on's and turn off's.

And I would be turned off by a woman who didn't take pride in herself but I fail to see how you could compare this to fixing a car. Im sure most women would be turned off equally by a guy who didn't take pride is his appearance.

It's clear you have a bit of a classic view in male/female roles, not that there's anything wrong with that. Im just a bit more cosmopolitan in my views. Whatever works for us.

financegirl wrote: »

So, you don't really want to pay for the date do you? You're expecting her in some way to offer to contribute. Why can you not just pay for her and be gentelmenly about it, rather than waiting to see if she shows 'a willingness to contribute'. If a guy was concerned about this on the first date, it wouldn't bode very well for the future would it?

I didn't say that. I'd quite like it if a girl said 'Oh, lets go halves on this' or 'I'll pay for some drinks in a bar afterwards'. It just shows a bit of an equal attitude to things. I wouldn't let her pay but it's nice to know the thought is there. I reckon most men would agree with me on this point.

financegirl wrote: »

Define physical respect? What a bizarre term. He's asked me out, he's lucky enough to have me in his company for the evening, I don't think most guys would expect anything in return, apart from to enjoy the evening and see how it goes. If she picked you up, split the bill and then had sex with you, would you then be happy that you've got something in return???

So you think that he has to run around loads because the pleasure of your company is so great? What about the pleasure of his company for you? I really don't think a follow up call to say you enjoyed the date and would you like to do it again is too much to ask.

And to answer your question yes, I would be happy with that outcome.

Gavin83

Atomised wrote: »

I have always said that I would do this if I lived full time with a partner as it makes sense to share bills but to have your own saving accounts/investments etc I'm single now (had my heart ripped out last year) and will probably grow old alone , but i'd have to say "no" if a partner expected us to share ALL of our money. I didn't mind lending my ex fiance money , or buying petrol now and then , but you should always protect yourself for when they leave and people spend money on different things anyway.

I'll probably be flamed but i'd expect a man to pay for the date and to ask me out , although i'm not against women asking men out. It just isn't for me .

When they leave? Thats a bit of a grim view to take. You really should have some faith in relationships.

It's fair enough that you expect the man to ask you out and pay for the date, it's basically the traditional view. It would be nice in this modern society of equality and all that nonsense if women were a little more forward to asking men out though.

I wonder if a woman didn't get asked out for a while if she'd change her ways?

Volcano

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I've forgotten about the OP - I'm now wondering what Financegirls BF's like having seen her list of must haves

Maybe he's a bit like the guy in this song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbLDI5lNdRQ

:whistle:

larmy16

Volcano wrote: »

Maybe he's a bit like the guy in this song? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SbLDI5lNdRQ

:whistle:

Lordy I hope he has a better singing voice and dress sense!:D