Am i being unreasonable?

Magpie.

I have to agree with the majority that he is a !!!!!!!!!!. What does he spend his money on? While he has life so easy he won't want to move out of your parents........ either with or without you.

So free loader is a swear word?

poet123

MrsE wrote: »

I agree with your theory & I think the same when I see threads that say "ditch him/her", but he's a tight fisted git & shows no affection or respect to the OP, never wanting to treat her or help her. He should WANT to, the fact that he can & chooses not to, bad very bad.

I agree, in a relationship it is usual (imo) to want to see your partners face light up when you treat them, to want to make them happy, it doesnt even have to cost much, if money is an issue, it is the wanting to that is important. If he doesnt bother to do that now, in a relatively young relationship, it doesn't bode well for the future.

Sarah_Joanne

It doesn't sound from what you have posted that he is too interested in your feelings and needs. Obviously this post is only a small percentage of your whole relationship, but it doesn't sound like the kind of relationship I would like to be in.

I also think that the fact that you are asking for opinions on here means you probably know what you want, you are just looking for other people to back you up.

Good luck, and I hope you can move on and find someone who will enjoy making you happy.

neo2020

poet123 wrote: »

I agree, in a relationship it is usual (imo) to want to see your partners face light up when you treat them, to want to make them happy, it doesnt even have to cost much, if money is an issue, it is the wanting to that is important. If he doesnt bother to do that now, in a relatively young relationship, it doesn't bode well for the future.

The trouble is, some people (particularly men) often don't understand how important it is for their lady. If he is a great guy otherwise, there's always room for her to explain her needs to him. I just don't buy this argument of "If he loves you, he should know what you want before you want it". If she's not getting something, how about explaining what she would like more of?

To people who are advising the OP on the basis of "it doesn't sound like the sort of relationship I would like to be in," it may be useful to keep in mind that when someone goes on an online forum to ask for relationship advice, it's generally because they have a problem. When people have a problem, they rarely take the time to list all the good things about their relationship first (take it from a hypnotherapist ), so you're getting one tiny chunk of one side of the story here.

There is often room for negotiation and agreement within a relationship, provided the partners are pleased with the relationship in general.

As for him being a "!!!!!!!!!!," human beings are kind of like that. For most people, if they never had to work again, they wouldn't. If someone is giving him a place to live, paying for bills and food, what's the incentive to move out? This is where communicating your feelings and point of view comes in.

aliasojo

neo2020 wrote: »

As for him being a "!!!!!!!!!!," human beings are kind of like that. For most people, if they never had to work again, they wouldn't. If someone is giving him a place to live, paying for bills and food, what's the incentive to move out? This is where communicating your feelings and point of view comes in.

I pretty much agree with your first points about the relationship and the gift aspect.

However the last bit isn't really the case imo. This isn't a cosy, lazy arrangement that he needs incentive to move on from, this is a grown adult taking advantage of retired, unwaged people for goodness sake. He knows the situation, he's been told. Common decency normally makes people pay their way, something it would appear he is lacking in.

poet123

neo2020 wrote: »

The trouble is, some people (particularly men) often don't understand how important it is for their lady. If he is a great guy otherwise, there's always room for her to explain her needs to him. I just don't buy this argument of "If he loves you, he should know what you want before you want it". If she's not getting something, how about explaining what she would like more of?

I agree with you there, men are different and sometimes do have to have it spelled out for them that you would like xyz, but at The beginning of a relationship most men/women are wanting to please, if one isnt, then that spells trouble to me.

To people who are advising the OP on the basis of "it doesn't sound like the sort of relationship I would like to be in," it may be useful to keep in mind that when someone goes on an online forum to ask for relationship advice, it's generally because they have a problem. When people have a problem, they rarely take the time to list all the good things about their relationship first (take it from a hypnotherapist ), so you're getting one tiny chunk of one side of the story here.

Again, I agree, it is human nature to focus on the negatives when you have a problem.

There is often room for negotiation and agreement within a relationship, provided the partners are pleased with the relationship in general.

I agree:D

As for him being a "!!!!!!!!!!," human beings are kind of like that. For most people, if they never had to work again, they wouldn't. If someone is giving him a place to live, paying for bills and food, what's the incentive to move out? This is where communicating your feelings and point of view comes in.

I think you have a point here too, but generally people only take advantage of their own, that is to say kids always believe their parents are fair game, but imo to take advantage of potential "in laws" is taking things a step too far. If it has been explained fully to him, he is not acknowledging his responsibilities, and is behaving badly imo. He needs to act like a grown up.

Katie-Kat-Kins

I think a very honest and serious chat is called for. You need to make it clear that this is a serious discussion not just casually mention it in passing.

Firstly you need to make it clear that your parents are actually worse off for having him live there at the rent he is currently paying and that their financial situation is really bad. Tell him they have asked for a higher contribution and he has ignored them, they are too polite to push the issue but they are your parents and you have to protect them so he needs to get his payment increased by the end of the week. He can do this by phone or online he doesn't need to go into the bank. If he is reluctant then perhaps he should go live on his own and see how much that costs him!

Once the pressing issue is dealt with (and how he responds will be very telling - I suspect he is more the lazy tomorrow will do type but maybe I'm being kind) then you need to talk about money and your attitudes etc.

Money is a really difficult subject and lots of people have different but equally valid views. Some share everything some don't, lots of things influence their views, what their parents did, their financial history, level of income and expenditure etc. A lot of men have an underlying fear that all women are golddiggers, and that they only stand to loose financially if the relationship breaks down. You need to get to the bottom of it and reach a compromise.

My (now) husband was pretty careful with his money when we got together, but he'd had a really rough time a few years earlier where he almost lost his house due to redundancy, once I understood this it was easier to get along.

He has been quite of the view that we have our own money but some joint expenses. In fact this isn't meanness at all, it always results in him being worse off, as he has always earned a bit less than me and now earns a lot less, he still wants to pay half for everything and contribute the same and it has taken gradual change done sensitively to get him to accept me making larger contributions to the bills than him. It has also been a work in progress to work out payment of bills and a joint account, at first it was just bills, now it is more flexible, but we retain our separate spending money.

He would never ask me to pay for him, but I would never see him go without.

Work at it, if he wants to get along and is prepared to compromise then you will get there in the end. If he really is a freeloading tightwad then this will soon become aparent.

Would be worth pointing out what it would cost him to live alone if your parents decide that they want their house back. Also to point out that it is generally cheaper for two people to live together than for one to live alone, and that although you can't afford to pay half at the moment it will be better than him living alone and getting nothing from you, his choice. Also point out that if the two of you plan to be together for ever and make your life together there may be times when he earns more and there may be times when you do........ as a partnership you should be able to cope with that and look after each other.

Bitsy_Beans

neo2020 wrote: »

The trouble is, some people (particularly men) often don't understand how important it is for their lady. If he is a great guy otherwise, there's always room for her to explain her needs to him. I just don't buy this argument of "If he loves you, he should know what you want before you want it". If she's not getting something, how about explaining what she would like more of?

To people who are advising the OP on the basis of "it doesn't sound like the sort of relationship I would like to be in," it may be useful to keep in mind that when someone goes on an online forum to ask for relationship advice, it's generally because they have a problem. When people have a problem, they rarely take the time to list all the good things about their relationship first (take it from a hypnotherapist ), so you're getting one tiny chunk of one side of the story here.

There is often room for negotiation and agreement within a relationship, provided the partners are pleased with the relationship in general.

As for him being a "!!!!!!!!!!," human beings are kind of like that. For most people, if they never had to work again, they wouldn't. If someone is giving him a place to live, paying for bills and food, what's the incentive to move out? This is where communicating your feelings and point of view comes in.

But OP HAS communicated her feelings to him. He's fobbing them off by saying he'll go to the bank etc knowing that they won't force the issue.
I don't care about whether he buys OP stuff or not. He's clearly not interested in buying stuff for himself so am not suprised he's not interested in buying for the OP.
What does digust me is the cavalier manner in which he is happy to keep her parents struggling and has no conscience about it. My H (before we were married) moved in with me and my parents. He payed his rent (as did I) did his own ironing (mum did washing as it was just easier) but he never took advantage and paid his way. the OP's partner is showing a lack of respect for those who are being generous to him and i don't think that should be tolerated. If she wants to spend the rest of her life wishing he'd buy her things thats up to her but their relationship shouldn't come at the expense of the parents finances.
They've talked about it, he's ignoring them - so I think OP and her parents should give him an ultimatum to pay his way or kick him out on the street. I'd like to know where he could live so cheap and have all his washing etc done for £200 a month. Bout time he realised which side his bread is buttered.

BillTrac

OP,

And if you get married and have a joint account. Don't you think he will try and control your spending?

Can't begin to imagine the hassles