Am i being unreasonable?

belfastgirl23

Do you have any idea at all why he's like this? My worry wouldn't be so much the tightness but that it seems you don't communicate at all. Some people wrap all sense of security up in money. Some men particularly really panic that women are just after their money. I would want to understand why he is like this. If you can't manage to talk about it then that would be what would ring very loud alarm bells for me. This is obviously a big issue for you and not being able to talk to him properly about it is a bad basis for the future.

It's a very unattractive quality though

Geenie

OP, I have to say that I really feel for your parents, not only having to support you in their retirement, but your tight fisted boyfriend as well! I think the time has come to put your parents first, and though it might be OK for them to still support you if they wish, they should not be doing the same for a man earning a good wage, and living off their kindness.

Forget about your boyfriend taking you on holidays etc, and think about what your parents are having to put up with in their home, at a time when they should be enjoying space to themselves, and spending what money they have on themselves, not still feeding and providing for 2 adults!

What kind of a man are you in a relationship with, that would take such advantage of your parents generosity, watching them struggle, and still sit his sorry ar*e in their home every night?! Not one I would consider a future with after disrespecting my family this way.

Tell him that due to financial constraints on your parents who agree, he has unfortunately to move out and find his own place. It will show if he is serious or not about you and if he is prepared to share his money with someone he loves. Aren't teachers considered key workers and get discount with mortgages etc?! He could probably buy a pad on the money he has stashed away, or get his dad to help.

never_enough

Have to say I agree with most previous posters. Being careful with your money is one thing, but to let others suffer because of your 'carefulness' is just beyond the pale.

*Louise*

Ask yourself this: If you have a problem with it now...how much worse is it going to be in 5 years time?

Not even a little gift now and then? What a tightwad.

If you're happy with a man who won't make you feel even a little special, and who takes your parents for granted, then carry on.

If you want to stand up for yourself and be treated properly....then you know what you need to do.

milliemonster

One other thing, you say you are a mature full time student at present, what are his expectations once you qualify and get a job of your own? have you discussed this? is he then going to expect you to pay for everything so he can get off scot free?

aliasojo

I dont think the no gifts thing or the 'pay for your own flight' thing is the biggest telling point here. It's the fact that a solvent man sees no issue in freeloading off retired older people who are now struggling that is the really worrying part. £200 a month for an adult in his position is shocking and you really need to something more to support your parents, it's not fair for them to be in this situation because of their love for you. (Sorry, don't mean to be unkind but he wouldn't be there if it wasn't for you, so you're the one who needs to do something about this.)

Not getting gifts etc isn't very nice but you could (if you were being kind :rolleyes:) put that down to the simple differences between what folk do in a relationship. However his atttitude towards the living arrangements and costs show clearly that he is a leech. He may well be a lovely bloke in other areas but imo, people who have this characteristic will not change, it's inbuilt not learned.

This isn't something simple that you could learn to live with, like him leaving towels on the floor. This will affect every area of your life and the embarrassment and resentment you feel now, will only grow.

Three years is a lot to give up on but sometimes you need to look at the bigger picture. Good luck.

Swirlywurly

The thing that stands out to me is the fact that he is abusing the good will of your parents as well as taking you for a ride. I have my limits and to a point I will take things from people I love, but I will not put up with people taking advantage of my family.

Please smell the coffee and get rid.

Gavin83

I have to say Im really surprised by the previous posts and disagree with the majority.

Firstly the only negative I can see, the living arrangements with your parents. If your parents have agreed to take him in on a lodging basis and are willing to do some of his housework then he should pay whatever they ask for. If he has refused to pay them anymore then he is being extremely unreasonable and frankly they'd be best off kicking him out.

He also shouldn't have asked you to pay for your flight if he offered to take you but I don't think thats a massive issue.

However, I don't what else he has done wrong. Treats are not a God given right, although the odd treat would be nice I'd be livid if someone ended a relationship with me because I didn't treat them enough. There are more than just financial ways to treat someone and it just completely smacks of greed to be honest.

I really don't agree with this idea of joint savings as well. I believe the best way is to have a joint account for the necessary bills and then each person keeps the remaining money for themselves. I find it hard to understand why one person in the relationship should support the other. It also throws up issues if one of them wishes to buy an expensive item for themselves, or if one of them spends a lot more on hobbies, clothes etc than the other. Personally I'd feel a bit guilty spending money out of the 'joint' account if I wanted say an iPod or even something like a car. You could argue that both partners need to agree in a relationship but I really don't feel it needs to be that way, as long as bills are split equally then you should be able to save the rest or spend it as you wish. It's even more sensible to keep it split before marriage, I'd never even consider a joint account with a girlfriend.

Now, if your dating a student it does become an issue as one partner is going to earn a lot more than the other. If the finances remain split then it means they may have to pass on doing things as a couple or the poorer one may resent the richer one. However, for this reason I would never date a student.

You can call me tight if you want but I just couldn't live with a joint account. I've been with my girlfriend for a few years now and we keep our money seperate and it works just nicely for us. We do however earn around the same (she earns slightly more than me) and I do think if our wages were vastly different then it would cause problems. We do however treat each other on occassion.

He seems keen enough to split the bills 50/50, just seems a bit reluctant to split it more in your favour. While it's fair with you being a student I can understand his view point and would probably feel the same in his shoes. What he chooses to spend his money on really is irrelevant.

It's your call though and if you don't like the arrangement finish with him, just don't go telling him he's unreasonable with his money.

thatpip

Hi there, thanks so much for all your comments so far. I have tried talking to him about it and he gets upset and promises to change but I have not seen any real change to be honest. It is hard to give up on someone after 3 years though as I am sure other posters will understand. I want so badly to believe he will change but am starting to think I am kidding myself. I have asked about him moving out and he says he wants us to get our own place but I don't think I should live with him now after everything that's happened.

poet123

Gavin83 wrote: »

I have to say Im really surprised by the previous posts and disagree with the majority.

Firstly the only negative I can see, the living arrangements with your parents. If your parents have agreed to take him in on a lodging basis and are willing to do some of his housework then he should pay whatever they ask for. If he has refused to pay them anymore then he is being extremely unreasonable and frankly they'd be best off kicking him out.

He also shouldn't have asked you to pay for your flight if he offered to take you but I don't think thats a massive issue.

However, I don't what else he has done wrong. Treats are not a God given right, although the odd treat would be nice I'd be livid if someone ended a relationship with me because I didn't treat them enough. There are more than just financial ways to treat someone and it just completely smacks of greed to be honest.

I really don't agree with this idea of joint savings as well. I believe the best way is to have a joint account for the necessary bills and then each person keeps the remaining money for themselves. I find it hard to understand why one person in the relationship should support the other. It also throws up issues if one of them wishes to buy an expensive item for themselves, or if one of them spends a lot more on hobbies, clothes etc than the other. Personally I'd feel a bit guilty spending money out of the 'joint' account if I wanted say an iPod or even something like a car. You could argue that both partners need to agree in a relationship but I really don't feel it needs to be that way, as long as bills are split equally then you should be able to save the rest or spend it as you wish. It's even more sensible to keep it split before marriage, I'd never even consider a joint account with a girlfriend.

Now, if your dating a student it does become an issue as one partner is going to earn a lot more than the other. If the finances remain split then it means they may have to pass on doing things as a couple or the poorer one may resent the richer one. However, for this reason I would never date a student.

You can call me tight if you want but I just couldn't live with a joint account. I've been with my girlfriend for a few years now and we keep our money seperate and it works just nicely for us. We do however earn around the same (she earns slightly more than me) and I do think if our wages were vastly different then it would cause problems. We do however treat each other on occassion.

He seems keen enough to split the bills 50/50, just seems a bit reluctant to split it more in your favour. While it's fair with you being a student I can understand his view point and would probably feel the same in his shoes. What he chooses to spend his money on really is irrelevant.

It's your call though and if you don't like the arrangement finish with him, just don't go telling him he's unreasonable with his money.

I am sorry, but none of the above is a recipe for long term happiness or security. After marriage or long term committment, money should be shared as a household income, not designated mine and yours. That way lies resentment, hardship, and loss of dignity by whichever partner earns less, particularly if it is because of family committments such as children.