Am i being unreasonable?

Pee

That doesn't seem to me like too much to ask.

poet123

Pee wrote: »

Poet123 - if there is a good reason why one partner earns less, because of childcare or illness or job loss and they are actively seeking work, then of course the other partner should support them and do so without demeaning the lower earner. If it is a lifestyle choice, then I think both partners are entitled to treat what is their's as their own.

I am assuming that in a partnership all decsions are jointly arrived at, so therefore, the "lifestyle" issue would be one such decision.

Hence, any, and all, monies coming into a household with such a partnership agreement or marriage, would be shared and treated as "ours" not "mine" or "yours".

MrsE_2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

He REFUSES to pay your mother more than £200 a month for his board and lodging and he gets his laundry done as well? Have your parents asked him to pay more?

He's taking the mickey in a monumental way and I'd be tempted to face up to the fact that he's an insensitive, selfish user and a parasite and chuck him the hell out

Gotta agree, I found his "refusal" almost funny.

Boot him out, he's a user & a looser;)

Gavin83

Have your parents actually asked for more money? You say he refuses to pay your parents more, in what way has he refused exactly?

Is he actually aware your parents are struggling or are you presuming he does? You don't really state it in your original post that he's aware of their financial problems.

thatpip

Yes my parents have discussed it with both of us and he said he would pay more but hasn't, he keeps saying he will go to the bank but he still hasn't done anything about it. My mum is far too nice to keep on at him as she is a fantastically generous lady and despite all this she does like him and she wants to help us out despite her situation. I have asked him to help out more, pointing out that I am trying to help my parents out more. And yes he is aware that my parents are struggling as my father has been ill for quite a long time and he is aware that my parents are not in a good financial position as they almost lost their house about 18 months ago so yes he is very aware of the situation. Anything else I should clarify?

Pee

Is he laid back and forgetful or is he avoiding the issue? (Laidback is very good longer term.. depending on how laid back you are.)

Since he knows your parents problems... he should be doing something to help, just to pull his own weight.

Pee

On the otherhand, presumably that money is better than nothing for your parents?

Gavin83

poet123 wrote: »

I am sorry, but none of the above is a recipe for long term happiness or security. After marriage or long term committment, money should be shared as a household income, not designated mine and yours. That way lies resentment, hardship, and loss of dignity by whichever partner earns less, particularly if it is because of family committments such as children.

Ok, thats fine, people deal with things in their own way. Im glad that sharing your income works for you but it wouldn't work for me. I think it's becoming more and more common for long term partners to keep their income seperate, I know an awful lot of people that operate in this way. Older couples seem to share more than younger couples, but I had this down as a generation thing from a time when men used to earn the money and women would care for the kids. Now women can earn the same as men I no longer see a reason to split it.

Of course, bringing children into the mix does change things and creates a good argument for sharing finances but I don't ever intend on having children so it's not a concern for myself.

thatpip wrote: »

Gavin83 - your right treats aren't really the issue (though girls do like the odd bunch of flowers - I would hardly call that 'greed'), it's the fact that for the past YEAR he has been promising that we will get our own place and nothing happening, when we moved in with my parents they only asked him for £200 as it was meant to be TEMPORARY for say a month or two whilst we found a place, not a year as the house is small and my parents can't afford to support us.

The thing is, if because I am a student he is reluctant to pay more of the rent and bills then he should leave and find someone else. I am trying to get a better life for myself and have a part time job to pay my tutition/books etc. I don't expect for one minute to share an account with him and to buy ipod's and handbags with his money, that is what my own money is for but he will only get a joint account if we are married, so i'm not sure how we would pay bills etc if we were to live together. To be honest it's not just a case of "if I don't like the arrangement finish with him", emotions and feelings are just not that simple and I am trying to resolve this issue rather than just finishing it as we have been together for 3 years.

I don't think enjoying the odd treat is greedy, of course not. I was more suggesting it was greedy ending a relationship because your partner doesn't treat you enough.

You say you don't expect to share an account and buy iPods, etc and thats what your money is for. However if your shared your money then you wouldn't have your own money, thats pretty much the whole basis of why I think splitting the finances is a bad idea. I wouldn't like to ask my partner if its ok to buy something with my own money. If you lived together then you'd really need a joint account to pay bills but he doesn't seem to eager to move out anyway.

I wasn't really suggesting you finish it, I don't really think theres a problem in your relationship to finish over. Of course a 3 year relationship will be hard to walk away from but I really don't think this is something he'll change his opinion over. Not to say that your opinion or his opinion is the right one, but if your incompatible and neither of you are willing to budge then you'll either have to live with it or end it, there really is no other solution.

Gavin83

thatpip wrote: »

Yes my parents have discussed it with both of us and he said he would pay more but hasn't, he keeps saying he will go to the bank but he still hasn't done anything about it. My mum is far too nice to keep on at him as she is a fantastically generous lady and despite all this she does like him and she wants to help us out despite her situation. I have asked him to help out more, pointing out that I am trying to help my parents out more. And yes he is aware that my parents are struggling as my father has been ill for quite a long time and he is aware that my parents are not in a good financial position as they almost lost their house about 18 months ago so yes he is very aware of the situation. Anything else I should clarify?

Fair enough then he's taking the michael. If your parents are too nice to do anything then maybe you could do it on their behalf. Just say that if he hasn't increased his rent by such and such a date then he'll need to find somewhere else to live. He's actually being really rude and disrespectful in not increasing the rent when asked. You do need to have a think if you could cope with this man for the foreseeable future.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck, it's not an easy situation to be in and you must feel a little stuck in the middle.

warehouse

Congratulations, you are stuck with Mr Tightwad for life. We all know a tightwad, I know 2 very well, and they never change, in-fact they get worse, much worse. Enjoy a lifelong frugal existance unless you grow some b***s.