Am i being unreasonable?

thatpip

Gavin83 - your right treats aren't really the issue (though girls do like the odd bunch of flowers - I would hardly call that 'greed'), it's the fact that for the past YEAR he has been promising that we will get our own place and nothing happening, when we moved in with my parents they only asked him for £200 as it was meant to be TEMPORARY for say a month or two whilst we found a place, not a year as the house is small and my parents can't afford to support us.

The thing is, if because I am a student he is reluctant to pay more of the rent and bills then he should leave and find someone else. I am trying to get a better life for myself and have a part time job to pay my tutition/books etc. I don't expect for one minute to share an account with him and to buy ipod's and handbags with his money, that is what my own money is for but he will only get a joint account if we are married, so i'm not sure how we would pay bills etc if we were to live together. To be honest it's not just a case of "if I don't like the arrangement finish with him", emotions and feelings are just not that simple and I am trying to resolve this issue rather than just finishing it as we have been together for 3 years.

LittleMissAspie

The_Banker wrote: »

If he's not prepared to share things then he obviously thinks he should have more money than you.

I'm not prepared to have a single bank account with my boyfriend but I earn less than him. I don't see why my boyfriend should subsidise me, he works hard for his higher salary so he should have more money than me.

Anyway, for the OP, the fact that he's refusing to pay his fair share to your parents and letting your mum look after him does not bode well for your future. Has your mum directly asked him for more money? If yes and he has refused then get rid of the jerk.

pariskate

thatpip wrote: »

To be honest it's not just a case of "if I don't like the arrangement finish with him", emotions and feelings are just not that simple and I am trying to resolve this issue rather than just finishing it as we have been together for 3 years.

Is it telling that you don't say that you want to resolve this issue because you love him and want to spend the rest of your days with him?

Pee

You need to sit down with him and talk this over - what expectations you both have as to who would pay for what and when, including if you were to have children in the future.

At the moment you have made a choice to become a student and financially impair yourself for a few years in the expectation of financial reward later - and well done you, by the way - but if that was a choice that you made alone, I don't see why he should be expected to support you through it, except that when you love someone, I think the natural instinct is to want to share everythign with them..

If you made a joint choice to have children in a few years and you were at home with those children and relying on his income, you need to be certain that he will provide for you properly, including pocket money, at that stage.

Can someone change their natural attitude to money? Actually I have to say my Dad was exceedingly tight when my parents met and he saved his money and made a good living for himself and now he feels more comfortable he is very generous with regard to top of the range new washing machines etc, but my Mum has very similiar attitudes to money. It's not really whether he is right or wrong, it is how compatable the two of you are, and your post suggests that you aren't. Maybe you've been struggling without much money for a while and it's beginning to get to you. That would only be natural.

Have you discussed marriage and do you have compatable views on that?

SugarSpun

It's hard to break up with someone after three years, and easy for someone outside the situation to tell you it's a sensible thing to do.

Having said that, this is a situation you really do need to think long and hard about. Not giving you treats is one thing, and something I probably wouldn't stress over in your position. The flight thing would have rankled with me - but I'd have got over it.

The freeloading off your parents while knowing that they're struggling really concerns me. I would be mortified if my partner put me in the position where I felt embarrassed in front of my family, and if you're planning a lifetime together you need to be able to trust him completely. That trust includes - has to include - being able to know that if you were stuck he would help you out. You've already tested that, it seems, and he hasn't.

You don't want to throw away three years, and I do understand that. But would you rather throw away ten? Or twenty? Or add kids to the mix? If he knows how you feel, recognises that it's a problem, and isn't changing his ways, he's making a fool of you. It's up to you how you deal with it.

Pee

Poet123 - if there is a good reason why one partner earns less, because of childcare or illness or job loss and they are actively seeking work, then of course the other partner should support them and do so without demeaning the lower earner. If it is a lifestyle choice, then I think both partners are entitled to treat what is their's as their own.

thatpip

Pariskate - of course I want to stay with him, otherwise I would have ended it months ago if I didn't give a toss, if you read my original post i'm hardly in it for the money am I? LOL

Pee

With regard to the treats - if he said he was taking you on holiday, he should have paid for the flight. That is the agreement. It's to do with integrity. If I say I will do something, then that is what I will do - and if I cannot there will be an explanation and a reason for the change of plan.

SUESMITH_2

oh deary me, does he love you or the fact that he has fully catered accomodation for peanuts. what a tight wad, get rid now! he won't change, in fact why should he? he has everything he needs and more

thatpip

Yes I agree my being a student was a lifestyle choice in some regard but mostly it was because I cannot get a job in my chosen field without a degree so I didn't have a lot of choice in the matter in that respect. I don't expect to live off him at all, I have always worked through college/uni but he has had over a year of living with my parents for only £200 a month for everything and now when we talk about moving out he is uncomfortable about paying more of the rent/bills than me, due to my financial situation. I am prepared to pay as much as I can but I pay my own tuition fees and have no financial support from family. I only have a year left and when I get a full time job of course I will pay half of everything I just need a bit of support now in my final year to get qualified and get a job!