Domestic violence-its not just physical

diable

If the people at work new how weak he was they would treat him differently, he thinks that he is the boss at home which is wrong, its a partnership and he can't treat you like he does people a work, does he work in an office or a factory as he seems a right bully. Also tell him he is fired.

Blackpool_Saver

Hi cassie, I understand all you say, I remember my abuser being very scared when a man stood up to him, however none of this alters the fact that he has worn you down and you are now not up to fighting back, this is how they do it, they wear you down so you can't fight back, people who have not lived it don't understand, you can't fight back or just leave as they say because they have made you too ill and weak to do it like an outsider looking in would.
I am glad the organisation is helping you to slowly but surely get away. I would advise you to have a bag of essentials you can grab if you have to leave in a hurry.

Cassie**

Blackpool_Saver wrote: »

Hi cassie, I understand all you say, I remember my abuser being very scared when a man stood up to him, however none of this alters the fact that he has worn you down and you are now not up to fighting back, this is how they do it, they wear you down so you can't fight back, people who have not lived it don't understand, you can't fight back or just leave as they say because they have made you too ill and weak to do it like an outsider looking in would.
I am glad the organisation is helping you to slowly but surely get away. I would advise you to have a bag of essentials you can grab if you have to leave in a hurry.

Yes,I have felt ill since I have been with him,and I couldn't figure out the reason.Often I have wanted to drive off to stay with friends but have even felt too weak to do the long drive,and not safe to drive because I am in mental turmoil.It feels like weakness throughout your body,and like you say,you don't have the strength to fight back.But now I am realising this,I am putting all the pieces together from these last years,like a jigsaw.Also,someone told me to watch for the pattern .I am seeing at the moment (as has happened before) when he thinks he may be losing me,he starts to be very nice, for a day or so,then when he has me where he wants me,it stops .

mummy_Jay

You keep saying you feel weak, but I don't think you realise how strong your being in opening up to this thread about whats happening. The hardest thing is to realise it's not you, it's them and you have clearing already realise this which is such a positive step forward and the hardest.
Now you know what has really happen, and its not your fault, you can work to get out of it but remember ever tiny step to getting out is adding to your strength, your not weak any more, believe in yourself, you can do this.

Cassie**

Even posting on this thread has me constantly deleting my computers history,even when he is not here.Thats how nervous I am.I am starting to realise it is not me,but it has been a long time getting there.Thank you to you all for your support.

Cassie**

I just rang up and asked if I left would I be entitled to housing benefit and they said I would not.

SUESMITH_2

lots of hugs to you, nothing to add except be strong and be true to yourself - you deserve so much better than this

moiramber

Hiya,

I have been reading you thread and my heart goes out to you. I unfortunatly have been in this horrible situation once too, Luckily I didn't marry him so it was slightly easier for me to leave. I was with him for 3 and a half years and can honestly say I hated him for more than half of that. During the time he managed to alienate me from ALL of my friends and family so I was in contact with noone, I left him 3 times before I left for good and each time ran back as he turned into nice guy and I was so weak and stupid and thought things would be different, Of course this usually lasted 1 day and then things were back to normal. I used to have a horrible feeling of dread 24 hours a day when with him and also developed IBS due to this. For two years of this time he wouldn't let me get a job(he has never worked) as it would mess up his benefits and I only eventually got a job as they were going to force me to work full time for £55 a week so I said no thanks to that. Even when I was at work he sometimes used to phone me up at work screaming for me to get home now etc. What a nightmare. He used to smash up our house on a weekly basis and my car windows/ doors too. I was a nervous wreck. He also used to hit me then say it was my fault he hit me as I'd drove him to it what a joke. Anyway by the time I'd left i'd grown to hate him so much it was actually very easy to make the decision to leave although still petrifying at the time, I went to work one day asked my boss to leave early (she knew the situation) and drove home and packed all my stuff, posted the keys through the letter box and drove away. He only found out when I didn't collect him that night and I then sent him a text to say i'd left. Even after leaving him I was still petrified and continued to pay all the bills in the house for 3 months after leaving until I finally realised I was being a complete idiot. I did speak to him on the phone a few times after I left and he was all nicey nicey and I even met him to talk once about a week later he acted like butter wouldn't melt and asked why I hadn't just spoke to him about wanting to leave (like he was mr reasonable!) He then cuddled and kissed me when we said goodbye and it was there and then I realised I was never going to get away if I didn't break all contact completely. This is what I did and I have still never spoken to him 2 and a half years later. I am still plauged with nightmares about him on a weekly basis which I'm hoping with fade over time. I am now with a wonderful man the complete opposite to my ex and very happy with our son

Noone can force you to leave and you will need to be mentally ready and strong to do this. It took me years to get to this state of mind, I understand how hard it is. Please remember you are worth so much better than this man and your life will be so much better and different when you leave. If I can do it you can do it, Good luck, I will follow your progress along the way

RAS

Cassie** wrote: »

I just rang up and asked if I left would I be entitled to housing benefit and they said I would not.

Who said this?

You will find that support is different for peope leaving domestic violence situations.

belfastgirl23

RAS wrote: »

Who said this?

You will find that support is different for peope leaving domestic violence situations.

Might be worth going through Women's Aid for advice on this as well. The person you spoke to might have classed you as making yourself intentionally homeless but as RAS says it's different if you're fleeing domestic violence.

You will also find info on www.entitledto.com that might help.