Domestic violence-its not just physical

Cassie**

The charm is not having the desired effect,though,not any more, now I see the pattern,but it is difficult knowing what I now know,to be forced to play the game of complying.You know,I know what he is doing now,that makes it so much harder to know how to respond.Part of the reason he is doing this is we are going to his psichiatrist together tommorrow night,so he is trying to feed me what he wants to feed me,that its me i am ill,its not him,he is just being helpful.Funny because up till now he has told me that my doctors have said I am not depressed ( not that he would know what they really have said about the situation)( I am not allowed to be low because that feels like his fault too)

Cassie**

Hey,on the upside,soon I will be gone (feeling a little better now, she lies,think I will go for a walk):D

belfastgirl23

Cassie** wrote: »

I keep thinking about the two massive boxes of files we have,and it seems,in my head,I have to comb through them to take out documents,and it seems a massive task,I can't seem to face it.

I am going to the cab tommorrow,to look at outcomes I might have.I have been given option to go into a refuge ,assuming there is a place,which there probably is. I have applied for a full time job,I have the number of a free solicitor,my head is spinning with what I have to do.I think I am going to go and see someone know and ask if they can help me put some stuff aside each day.

I have a day off today,and am putting to much pressure on myself,but thats me,I like to sort things out thoroughly,I am not one for half measues,but I am stressing myself out.Made a few calls today now to people who support me.

Well done!!! I bet if you get to the boxes it won't be nearly as bad as you expect. Sometimes I find that putting on music or a tv show that I like helps me to make a start an a horrible task - might be worth a try?

elona

His doctor would be struck off if they attempted to diagnose a patient's partner without seeing them and without their consent.

He's telling you a load of twaddle!

moiramber

Hi Cassie, I'm glad to see you're getting things in motion. Sounds like you are doing great.

I found when I got to the stage where I was aware of all the manipulation etc it was best just to agree and "play along" rather than causing more friction. I used to be seething inside but held it all in.

I think as time goes on you will probably loose all respect for him and in the end will be so strong and realise he is the weak one, Not you. You're doing fab. You're making progress every day

Dave101t

as with physical abuse, surely the phrase 'the 1st time is the last time' is as easily applied to mental abuse? some women put up, watch it get worse then see no way out. my mum did the same but as i was the youngest of 5, when my father was looking to start on me she finally left. left with nothing but was able to rebuild over time.

yoni_one

Dave101t wrote: »

as with physical abuse, surely the phrase 'the 1st time is the last time' is as easily applied to mental abuse? some women put up, watch it get worse then see no way out. my mum did the same but as i was the youngest of 5, when my father was looking to start on me she finally left. left with nothing but was able to rebuild over time.

With respect, the phrase 'the 1st time is the last time' is not easily applied to physical or mental abuse.

It doesn't necessarily come out of absolutely no-where and often targets of domestic violence and abuse are not aware it is happening for the longest time, it is subtle and builds up slowly so you don't actually know when the first time was. Even physical abuse can start with excessive tickling, rougher sex than usual, holding your wrist just that tad too tight so you cannot move away while they make their point, something everso slightly out of the ordinary but you can't quite work out what just happened. And when it is 'obvious' to the outsider, the abuser has worked on the mind so well you actually believe you drove them to it and try harder and harder to be a good person and stop annoying them.

You do not necessarily think you are being physically abused when you believe you have done something to upset them knowing they will hurt you if you are upset. The mind games are very powerful and very hard to understand when you have not personally been through it as the direct target of DVA.

And even if and when you are fully aware you are in some form of relationship with an abuser the threats of death or torture to you, your kids, your family, your friends can be so terrifying you feel you must stay and take the abuse and violence to protect everyone else you love and care about.

It takes a great deal of strength and courage to leave but sometimes even more to stay.

It is very very complex.

I am really glad to hear your mum managed to get away.

Cassie**

moiramber wrote: »

Hi Cassie, I'm glad to see you're getting things in motion. Sounds like you are doing great.

I found when I got to the stage where I was aware of all the manipulation etc it was best just to agree and "play along" rather than causing more friction. I used to be seething inside but held it all in.

I think as time goes on you will probably loose all respect for him and in the end will be so strong and realise he is the weak one, Not you. You're doing fab. You're making progress every day

Thank you,I think I will see that one day,at the moment every day is very up and down,a real struggle.Thank goodness I am back to work and amongst nice people tommorrow.

Cassie**

Dave101t wrote: »

as with physical abuse, surely the phrase 'the 1st time is the last time' is as easily applied to mental abuse? some women put up, watch it get worse then see no way out. my mum did the same but as i was the youngest of 5, when my father was looking to start on me she finally left. left with nothing but was able to rebuild over time.

Dave,although it seems like women put up with it,for a lot of the time,they do not even realise it is happening. I was in a fog, confused,overwhelmed,I too could see no way out,but with support,I came to see that what he was doing WAS abuse and I have done nothing to deserve being treated like that.In the beginning I was just unhappy ,ill and controlled.I can honestly say that I have learned such a lot of lessons though, previously I would have just looked at my situation and said "Why doesn't she leave him?".

Cassie**

I am feeling much better today.I went to sleep after dinner and pretty much slept right through,which isn't like me.I think the stress is starting to be released.I also got some sleeping tablets (only 14)to get me over this next week or so,and had one this morning when I woke early.I feel much more able to cope today and feel fairly energised.I think I have just been exhausted,rather than depressed,which was worrying me.