Domestic violence-its not just physical

Cassie**

moiramber wrote: »

Hiya,

I have been reading you thread and my heart goes out to you. I unfortunatly have been in this horrible situation once too, Luckily I didn't marry him so it was slightly easier for me to leave. I was with him for 3 and a half years and can honestly say I hated him for more than half of that. During the time he managed to alienate me from ALL of my friends and family so I was in contact with noone, I left him 3 times before I left for good and each time ran back as he turned into nice guy and I was so weak and stupid and thought things would be different, Of course this usually lasted 1 day and then things were back to normal. I used to have a horrible feeling of dread 24 hours a day when with him and also developed IBS due to this. For two years of this time he wouldn't let me get a job(he has never worked) as it would mess up his benefits and I only eventually got a job as they were going to force me to work full time for £55 a week so I said no thanks to that. Even when I was at work he sometimes used to phone me up at work screaming for me to get home now etc. What a nightmare. He used to smash up our house on a weekly basis and my car windows/ doors too. I was a nervous wreck. He also used to hit me then say it was my fault he hit me as I'd drove him to it what a joke. Anyway by the time I'd left i'd grown to hate him so much it was actually very easy to make the decision to leave although still petrifying at the time, I went to work one day asked my boss to leave early (she knew the situation) and drove home and packed all my stuff, posted the keys through the letter box and drove away. He only found out when I didn't collect him that night and I then sent him a text to say i'd left. Even after leaving him I was still petrified and continued to pay all the bills in the house for 3 months after leaving until I finally realised I was being a complete idiot. I did speak to him on the phone a few times after I left and he was all nicey nicey and I even met him to talk once about a week later he acted like butter wouldn't melt and asked why I hadn't just spoke to him about wanting to leave (like he was mr reasonable!) He then cuddled and kissed me when we said goodbye and it was there and then I realised I was never going to get away if I didn't break all contact completely. This is what I did and I have still never spoken to him 2 and a half years later. I am still plauged with nightmares about him on a weekly basis which I'm hoping with fade over time. I am now with a wonderful man the complete opposite to my ex and very happy with our son

Noone can force you to leave and you will need to be mentally ready and strong to do this. It took me years to get to this state of mind, I understand how hard it is. Please remember you are worth so much better than this man and your life will be so much better and different when you leave. If I can do it you can do it, Good luck, I will follow your progress along the way

So glad you had a happy ending.I know that feeling of dread,I often go to bed with my stomach churning and wake up with my stomach churning.I think I have made the important switch in the last few days of realising I WANT/CAN be happy,and life with him will never be happy,and that it is not my fault.And I am actually starting to feel happy at the thought of it,though terrified in case I don't cover my tracks.

This is really dumb,but on Sunday I saw a picture in a lifestyle magazine of a room, (interior design thingy)and it gave me hope.It seemed to symbolize my new life,good things,my own descisions,my own place,control over my life,I took the magazine to work and keep it in my locker and look at it to remind me of the good things that could come to me when I am free of his control.I don't know if this makes sense but the photo makes me smile.In reality I don't think I will be living in great splendour,but it's an image that seems to help me.

Cassie**

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Might be worth going through Women's Aid for advice on this as well. The person you spoke to might have classed you as making yourself intentionally homeless but as RAS says it's different if you're fleeing domestic violence.

You will also find info on www.entitledto.com that might help.

Ok.Thank you.I am just this week feeling strong enough to start looking at these issues for the first time.I looked at that website but I found I couldn't get past the first bit.I am feeling a bit dense today.I am seeing my adviser soon and I am going to ask her for the options I have and about benefit.Maybe when my head is clearer I can work the website out.

Cassie**

RAS wrote: »

Who said this?

You will find that support is different for people leaving domestic violence situations.

The Government Agency, locally,housing benefit,I think,though I did not tell them my circumstances or name.I am starting to read the sticky now,never could find the strength to do it before.There is a lot of good advice there.

moiramber

Cassie** wrote: »

So glad you had a happy ending.I know that feeling of dread,I often go to bed with my stomach churning and wake up with my stomach churning.I think I have made the important switch in the last few days of realising I WANT/CAN be happy,and life with him will never be happy,and that it is not my fault.And I am actually starting to feel happy at the thought of it,though terrified in case I don't cover my tracks.

This is really dumb,but on Sunday I saw a picture in a lifestyle magazine of a room, (interior design thingy)and it gave me hope.It seemed to symbolize my new life,good things,my own descisions,my own place,control over my life,I took the magazine to work and keep it in my locker and look at it to remind me of the good things that could come to me when I am free of his control.I don't know if this makes sense but the photo makes me smile.In reality I don't think I will be living in great splendour,but it's an image that seems to help me.

I don't think it sounds silly at all. I think if thats what makes you happy then focus on that idea and let it be your motivation! Be excited for what the future holds for you without this man! You would be better of and much happier staying in a bedsit/ whatever eating beans on toast everynight being able to be relaxed and not gripped with fear for something is going to upset him! You will be amazed at just the freedom will give you so much happiness.

Feel free to PM me, I can understand and would love to be your moral support if you like, I know having other people there to support you also helps loads to make the next steps and how hard it is to envolve anyone close to you for fear of thier judgement of you

RAS

Cassie** wrote: »

This is really dumb,but on Sunday I saw a picture in a lifestyle magazine of a room, (interior design thingy)and it gave me hope.It seemed to symbolize my new life,good things,my own descisions,my own place,control over my life,I took the magazine to work and keep it in my locker and look at it to remind me of the good things that could come to me when I am free of his control.I don't know if this makes sense but the photo makes me smile.In reality I don't think I will be living in great splendour,but it's an image that seems to help me.

It is not dumb at all; have you ever seen Citizen Kane? Remember Rosebud?

We all attach psychological anchors to things. A Vietnam vet can be freaked out by a coolie hat; a red dot on the top of a page (preferably right hand side) does wonders for me when I have to make a presentation. It is only a red dot but.......

As you start to look for things, you will find more stuff to support you.

yoni_one

Hi Cassie

Have you heard about the Freedom Programme? It may be worth asking your DVA support worker about referring you if there is a local group running. You can find out more about it at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and check out a chapter of the book that may be worth purchasing 'Living With the Dominator' - http://content.yudu.com/Library/A191a9/LivingwiththeDominat/resources/index.htm?referrerUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yudu.com%2Fitem%2Fdetails%2F65577%2FLiving-with-the-Dominator---A-book-about-the-Freedom-Programme-by-Pat-Craven (sorry I don't know how to reduce the link) - you can read the chapter by clicking the forward arrow next to the Page 1 button showing at the top.

Also Refuge have a good guide 'You Can Afford To Leave' - you may have seen it on the sticky thread in this forum.

Also there support available for working women who are living with DVA from the DAWES project (Domestic Abuse: Women's Emplyoment Support) - http://www.salford.gov.uk/the-dawes-project.pdf.

This is the only agency of it's type at the moment and is based in Manchester. In theory they are only supposed to support women in the Greater Manchester area however they delivered some training to staff at the refuge where I work and I was told it is possible they will support people outside of the area by way of email etc. If you contact them ask for Emma. (my apologies if they no longer offer any form of support outside of the area).

Cassie you have already moved forward in your thinking pretty significantly just from page 1 to page 5 on this thread.

I completely understand your thinking and feelings towards his behaviour and towards yourself, things don't add up on the surface which is why many people find it difficult to grasp how something so simple (in their eyes) can in reality be massively complex, yet as you well know it is very very complex.

If I can help with any links or further support please let me know. You absolutely do not need to go through this alone.

Take care xxx

ALIBOBSY

Cassie/op I read this thread with tears in my eyes. My first husband was abusive and violent, and whenever I hear of someone in that situation it brings it all flooding back. Even now after nearly 14 years,a new lovely hubby and 3 kids it still hurts. I still get that gut churning fear in the pit of your stomach.

In some ways the mental abuse can be the worse side, the waiting and not knowing what will set them off this time. I don't think people understand the guilt they make you feel. They isolate you from your family and friends make you paranoid about everything you do and say and who you speak to (especially if it another man). Then when they do explode they make you feel like its your fault "why did you make me mad" etc.

My god I still feel some guilt for being the one who walked out and left, thats how low and controlled they make you.

It starts off as mental then next they smash stuff up then the physical. But the worst is the waiting never knowing when the next erruption is coming.

I still have a vivid memory of sitting at the dinning table eating a bowl of soup. Ex came in the front door, into the dinning room punched me in the face onto the floor and walked out again. Not a word.

I still don't know why and didn't dare ask.

It is so hard to break away, you feel like there is no way out. I considered suicide and murder, that sounds crazy now. I used to wish he would die somehow, how awful is that.

Op there is hope on the other side and life can be so much better. Some of us do understand.
Good luck for the future.

ali x

Blackpool_Saver

I remember being afraid when my son wanted to stay over at a mates and i would be alone with "it"

yoni_one

Cassie, up to page 17 is just a snippet of the book to give you some idea if it is worth purchasing. You can purchase the downloadable version for £5 from here - http://www.yudu.com/item/details/65577/Living-with-the-Dominator---A-book-about-the-Freedom-Programme-by-Pat-Craven

I'm sorry but I really don't know what the implications would be ordering it from a public pc.

Cassie**

Thank you.