Domestic violence-its not just physical

larmy16

I don't think I will be living in great splendour,but it's an image that seems to help me.

Believe me, after getting out of a relationship such as yours, a bedsit will feel like living in splendour.

My very best wishes to you. Quit wasting your energy on how bad he is and just focus on getting your freedom. Life is so short. Why waste it on being unhappy with someone who wants to hurt you. Get angry and get out! (making your safety of paramount importance of course).

X

Cassie**

yoni_one wrote: »

Hi Cassie

Have you heard about the Freedom Programme? It may be worth asking your DVA support worker about referring you if there is a local group running. You can find out more about it at www.freedomprogramme.co.uk and check out a chapter of the book that may be worth purchasing 'Living With the Dominator' - http://content.yudu.com/Library/A191a9/LivingwiththeDominat/resources/index.htm?referrerUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yudu.com%2Fitem%2Fdetails%2F65577%2FLiving-with-the-Dominator---A-book-about-the-Freedom-Programme-by-Pat-Craven (sorry I don't know how to reduce the link) - you can read the chapter by clicking the forward arrow next to the Page 1 button showing at the top.

Also Refuge have a good guide 'You Can Afford To Leave' - you may have seen it on the sticky thread in this forum.

Also there support available for working women who are living with DVA from the DAWES project (Domestic Abuse: Women's Emplyoment Support) - http://www.salford.gov.uk/the-dawes-project.pdf.

This is the only agency of it's type at the moment and is based in Manchester. In theory they are only supposed to support women in the Greater Manchester area however they delivered some training to staff at the refuge where I work and I was told it is possible they will support people outside of the area by way of email etc. If you contact them ask for Emma. (my apologies if they no longer offer any form of support outside of the area).

Cassie you have already moved forward in your thinking pretty significantly just from page 1 to page 5 on this thread.

I completely understand your thinking and feelings towards his behaviour and towards yourself, things don't add up on the surface which is why many people find it difficult to grasp how something so simple (in their eyes) can in reality be massively complex, yet as you well know it is very very complex.

If I can help with any links or further support please let me know. You absolutely do not need to go through this alone.

Take care xxx

Yesterday I was given a copy of living with the dominator,and I have been reading it.I have also asked to be put forward for a freedom course.

Cassie**

larmy16 wrote: »

I don't think I will be living in great splendour,but it's an image that seems to help me.

Believe me, after getting out of a relationship such as yours, a bedsit will feel like living in splendour.

My very best wishes to you. Quit wasting your energy on how bad he is and just focus on getting your freedom. Life is so short. Why waste it on being unhappy with someone who wants to hurt you. Get angry and get out! (making your safety of paramount importance of course).

X

Thank you Larmy,I think I am getting in that direction.I had quite a bad day yesterday when I realised financially just how bad things are,but I must be getting tougher because I am telling myself "I can do this.I will do this,I don't know when but soon",but that is also tempered by the incredible fear of more manipulation and control when I walk out.

Yoni,after reading the links and the book I realise he is not angry,he is just a bully,also the section on the Jailer and King of the Castle resonate for me.

belfastgirl23

Yay!! Good for you

yoni_one

Cassie** wrote: »

I am telling myself "I can do this.I will do this,I don't know when but soon",but that is also tempered by the incredible fear of more manipulation and control when I walk out.

Yoni,after reading the links and the book I realise he is not angry,he is just a bully,also the section on the Jailer and King of the Castle resonate for me.

Cassie there is support out there for you while you are in the relationship, at the point of leaving and for as long as you need after you leave. You will not be alone. x

Cassie**

Today,and last few days,really feeling terrible.He picked an argument before I left for work on Saturday,and started it again as soon as I got home.yesterday he told me in an argument,I am depressed and having a breakdown and it was " sad to see" .I am fighting to keep from getting depressed,don't know how i will until i can leave.I told him my stomach problems are caused by stress,of course this made him angry,because I was saying it was " his fault".Today he is nice and " very concerned about me" and ringing me to see what he can get me eg herbal sleeping tablets etc.

belfastgirl23

Cassie** wrote: »

Today,and last few days,really feeling terrible.He picked an argument before I left for work on Saturday,and started it again as soon as I got home.yesterday he told me in an argument,I am depressed and having a breakdown and it was " sad to see" .I am fighting to keep from getting depressed,don't know how i will until i can leave.I told him my stomach problems are caused by stress,of course this made him angry,because I was saying it was " his fault".Today he is nice and " very concerned about me" and ringing me to see what he can get me eg herbal sleeping tablets etc.

Well at least you are able to take a step back and see the pattern for what it is which is a really important thing so well done!!

How are the plans progressing?

belfastgirl23

Just also to say, I just noticed your post again about the fear of what happens after you leave. I don't know if it's helpful to say it but could it really be so much worse than the weekend you've described? At least at the end of the day you would be able to close your own front door

Cassie**

I keep thinking about the two massive boxes of files we have,and it seems,in my head,I have to comb through them to take out documents,and it seems a massive task,I can't seem to face it.

I am going to the cab tommorrow,to look at outcomes I might have.I have been given option to go into a refuge ,assuming there is a place,which there probably is. I have applied for a full time job,my head is spinning with what I have to do..

I have a day off today,and am putting to much pressure on myself,but thats me,I like to sort things out thoroughly,I am not one for half measues,but I am stressing myself out.Made a few calls today now to people who support me.

yoni_one

Cassie** wrote: »

Today,and last few days,really feeling terrible.He picked an argument before I left for work on Saturday,and started it again as soon as I got home.yesterday he told me in an argument,I am depressed and having a breakdown and it was " sad to see" .I am fighting to keep from getting depressed,don't know how i will until i can leave.I told him my stomach problems are caused by stress,of course this made him angry,because I was saying it was " his fault".Today he is nice and " very concerned about me" and ringing me to see what he can get me eg herbal sleeping tablets etc.

Cassie, I'm sorry you are feeling terrible but given the above I fully understand why.

It can be very confusing to be on the receiving end of this form of abuse, to feel stressed and depressed as a result of it and then receive further abuse because you feel stressed and depressed and the abuser feels that you are saying he is in some way contributing to it.

Yes, his behaviour IS contributing to it. He may not like to know that you know it, but it but it is and you do.

The behaviours you have described sound like areas of the The Headworker and the charming / caring side of the The Persuader.