Domestic violence-its not just physical

Cassie**

They were fantastic, the setback wasn't their fault.

claireac

Hi Cassie,

I can sympathise with your situation. I was in an abusive (physical & mental) marriage for 13 years, and ended up pretty much walking away from everything. The mental abuse was the hardest because it doesnt show, and very few people know it's going on.

Refuge and Relate were really good to me. I used to go to Relate on my own, they stopped me from thinking I was totally mad! I also recommend the book "why charming men make dangerous lovers" it's by the chief exec of Refuge. Personally I think every woman should read it!

I just want to say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I've just got married to a wonderful man and am the happiest I've ever been. It's been tough, but it's so worth while.

x

Pee

It is a catch 22 situation - ypu don't feel strong enough to deal with it and the abuse keeps you feeling weak.

Do you love this man and can you see any way in which you can have a relationship together which does not make you feel like a loser?

If not, then the fact you are married means nothing, there is no relationship and you need to think about your options. Speak to a solicitor re what would happen on divorce and see what benefits you would be entitled to. Speak to refuge as to whether he could be the one to leave the house.

There are ways forward and you need to be aware that you do have alternatives.

It is your choice, in your hands. When you realise that, you will feel a lot stronger.

As for the job, that can be stage two. If you don't like it, look for something else. At the moment most of us are feeling lucky to have a job...

Cassie**

Today, I told him about our Relate appointment.His psychiatrist had advised it.
When I showed him the appointment,amongst other things he said "We are not going there to slag each other off". I said "What do you mean?" He said "We are not going there to reel off a list of each others faults" "Or bring up stuff from the past".

I said " You can't make rules about what can and can not be said.We have to be able to be honest" he said "I am not having them tell me I am !!!!" (!!!!!!)

I guess I am starting to realise it will not work.He is even trying to control me by telling me what can and can't be said.-as I guess I knew he would.

Slowly,slowly it is starting to sink in.Still I feel scared, and I don't think he is good mentally.

Cassie**

When I used the term "loser" in my first post,I just meant I was embarrased to admit I have these problems.It's hard to explain my feelings,maybe afraid of admitting I am weak at times,like everyone is sometimes.

Blackpool_Saver

Hi cassie, still here for you.
It's a hard and scary time, my abuser tried to control what went on at relate too, to the point he sat outside and I went in alone.
When he finally did go in they wouldn't counsel us because there had been physical abuse so he won again, no counselling.
My advice is forget counselling and make plans to leave as soon as is safe and practical.

Cassie**

Thank you.It means a lot.x I am just hitting the stage where I can't pretend any more. I can't pretend that my life is good,I didn't think I could get to the point where I could contemplate leaving,but the time is coming,maybe it really has come now.It has taken a while.

The thing is too,it is him who has been saying he wanted to go to Relate,he also said "we are not going to bring up stuff from the past".The fact is,he knows that they will see how he is treating me,very very badly,and they will challenge his behaviour,he will not be able to handle that.The thing is, now,I believe it too,whereas before I believed what he told me,that it was my fault.

Every time before I wanted him to talk about issues he would just say " move on " ,so there is a lot of stuff from the past.


He also said he is afraid they will say there is no hope for our marriage,he doesn't want to put himself in a position to hear this, and he would like to be able control it-make it so it doesn't get said. I realise now,he only cares about himself,not me ,he has little respect for my wishes and feelings,he is very unkind.He even told me once "our wedding was a joke",there was no reason to say that,other than temper,to hurt,he looses control.

Blackpool_Saver

I am glad you are seeing how convenient it is to say move on, don't make a fuss etc etc as a means of getting away with atrocious behaviour. It's clever how they make it look like it's us causing a fuss. Glad you can see it now. He wont want it to end as he is sucking all the life out of you and he needs that fix.
Keep posting and planning (HUGS)

Pee

He knows how badly he is behaving, because he does not want you to tell the truth... I think at the end of any relationship though things are said which are not said because they are true, but because the two parties know the best way to hurt one another - and "our wedding was a joke" is one of those. That's just normal destructiveness, because you both know this is ending.

Take care.

Cassie**

Strangely,when he said it,I wasn't hurt,just amazed at how low he could get, it was almost pathetic,to me,we weren't arguing,we weren't even discussing marriage issues,he just blows,he can't control it.