Domestic violence-its not just physical

BitterAndTwisted

I know you don't want to hear this but there really are worse things than managing on your own on a very low wage. Like staying in this relationship, for instance. You've already acknowledged that the effect of the long, constant drip, drip, drip of having to endure your husband's behaviour and his problems has had on you. While you are feeling this way you are unlikely to be able to see and think straight and look at the issues dispassionately. I would strongly recommend that you contact your nearest women's refuge and have chat with them. There is a possibility of having a happy, fulfilled life but I really do think you need someone to help you see the way.

RAS

Welcome. MSE meets a lot of people dealing with or recovering from domestic violence and you will find the stickie on economic violence at the top of the page.

You are NOT going to sort this in one go, but you can sort it.

The starting points are:

1. Talk to a domestic violence charity. They can help you with local practicalities and maybe help develop exit strategies.

2. You do not have to up sticks tomorrow. You need an emergency, realistic and optimal escape strategy.

Tomorrow open a basic bank account with £1 and keep all records at work. No paper records posted to your home. Or a building society account.

Snaffle small amounts of money and pay it in (even if it is bogoffs on dog biscuits).

Get together your essential paperwork and either photocopy it or move it to a safe location.

Make a list of all financial records that you share (joint accounts) and get that saved in safe place away from home. If you leave suddenly, you need to stop further expenditure on all these accounts.

Talk to your doctor.

Wherever you come from, contact some of your old friends and colleagues. You do not need to tell them what is going off but you might get wind of a job, find some support, identify someone wo needs a house-sitter, I just do not know until it happens.

So make very careful alternative plans, put out feelers and get help.

It may take a little time but you could have alternative work, a deposit and the chance to start agin by this time next year.

In the mean-time, we can support you.

dizzyg_2

Hey Cassie

Everything seems so overwhelming right now. Take things one step at a time and never be afraid to ask for help.

Sometimes we put up a front with our friends and loved ones and they just think we are strong and don't need their help. I realised this last week when things got too much for me and I broke down in front of a friend. I accused her of never being there for me and she was genuinely shocked and said 'I didn't realise you needed me to be, you were always the strong one.'

Having someone chipping away at your confidence and self esteem on a daily basis is bound to have you feeling the way you do. I wish I had an easy way to make everything better but the truth is making the decision to make the change is probably the hardest part. It is all new and so scary to break away from the life you are in but it is possible.

Take care there are plenty of people on here who are always willing to listen and offer what advice they can xx

belfastgirl23

I just want to say something a bit different from other posters, although I do think they are all correct too

Your future is in your hands. Yes you have had a very tough time but it is in your power to change things. It is really easy when you're in a situation like this to get so focused on how powerless you feel that you can't see the wood for the trees. No one is keeping you there except you. You CAN decide to leave. There are charities that can help - I have worked with some of them and they are fantastic people who will support you 100%. The money is unimportant. Which I know is easy to say from outside but it definitely doesn't buy happiness and I think you've discovered this.

I just want you to realise that you have the ability to deal with your problems and to get yourself out of this situation. The fact that you posted here means you know it's time for change. Yes you're scared of it, and that's totally natural. But how much worse can life get????

Keep posting here, we're all here for you.

diable

How old is your partner?

Blackpool_Saver

let me tell you, I DO UNDERSTAND I have been there, i too thought there was no escape, trust me there is, you have to get away. Contact Womens aid, keep posting ((HUGS))

dmg24

Hi Cassie,

You are right, domestic violence is not just physical. The worst thing with mental abuse is that it is even more difficult to identify yourself, and then to get others to realise that it is happening.

I was in what I thought was a strong relationship last year. Albeit much shorter than yours, it felt like a lifetime. Even when we were arguing, I didn't want to leave, I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone. He did used to say cruel things to me, but I excused it as me provoking him. He never used to do it to my face, he never raised his voice to me, he would hide behind texts to say the horrid stuff. I suppose the final straw came when he sent me messages saying that nobody would ever love me because I was unbearable and 'Please kill yourself'. Even after that I kept excusing him, but I kept the messages and the more I read them, the more I realised that I deserved better.

Eventually I got out of the relationship, and although life is not great now, I have realised that anything has to be better than that. I do still miss him at times, but as time goes on the missing gets less, and the missing times do get easier.

Do you have a good relationship with your GP? That would be a good starting point to getting you some help and support. Alternatively, you can call the Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000247, they are open 24 hours.

Take care and keep talking to us, we'll do what we can to help.

Older_but_not_wiser_2

Alarm bells are ringing for a troll alert here.

I don't know anyone with the power to arrest people who are paid £6.50 an hour, and I've been in the criminal justice system for 16 years.

IF this is not a troll, then my advice is to tell your hubby to leave, if he loves the dog more than he cares for you then it's time to get rid.

dmg24

Older_but_not_wiser wrote: »

Alarm bells are ringing for a troll alert here.

I don't know anyone with the power to arrest people who are paid £6.50 an hour, and I've been in the criminal justice system for 16 years.

IF this is not a troll, then my advice is to tell your hubby to leave, if he loves the dog more than he cares for you then it's time to get rid.

I have spoken to the OP under their usual username, and I can confirm they are not a troll. They have posted on MSE for quite some time, and I have looked through some of their old posts, which support what they have said in this thread.

As someone that has worked in the criminal justice system for sixteen years, you should be aware that not everything is black and white. Perhaps we could focus on supporting the OP, and not reading things into their posts that are not there?

Older_but_not_wiser_2

As an open forum, with rules to be adhered to, that is exactly what I was doing. Everyone has an opinion an I was expressing my one.

I did in fact qualify my thoughts on the possibility of this not being a troll by offering some advice at the end of my post.

Thanks for clearing up the confusion though.