Husband too strict

Odette

From another perspective, my dad was very much like this. As soon as I got to an age where I thought I could undermine or outsmart his 'authority' I did, I smoked, I had sex and drank. After I did those things I think I found my dad's strict attitude a more annoying and funny than anything. He would shout himself red in the face and I would still do whatever I was going to do anyway.

Now Im 23 and I have a good relationship with my dad, however I can see similar things happening in my younger siblings. I dont think this is the case for a divorce! I dont think it is good parenting practice however. Discussing things, negotiation and realising right and wrong are important things for kids your age to learn. I remember my dad giving me an article from the times when i was slightly older (19 say) which discussed the merits of living with argumentitive parents; you learn to see other peoples POV and in turn learn to discuss and negotiate.

Have a word with your OH, perhaps pen up a system of punishment, decide what is serious (truancy, bad marks?) and which isnt (probably the PE kit thing - which i would say is lack of discipline rather than 'naughtyness'). Start doing morning checklists? Get your kids into the air cadets? Just thinking aloud. Dont worry about other people slamming you, if everyone raised kids the same the world would be incredibly boring

gizmo111

Odette wrote: »

From another perspective, my dad was very much like this. As soon as I got to an age where I thought I could undermine or outsmart his 'authority' I did, I smoked, I had sex and drank. After I did those things I think I found my dad's strict attitude a more annoying and funny than anything. He would shout himself red in the face and I would still do whatever I was going to do anyway.

Now Im 23 and I have a good relationship with my dad, however I can see similar things happening in my younger siblings. I dont think this is the case for a divorce! I dont think it is good parenting practice however. Discussing things, negotiation and realising right and wrong are important things for kids your age to learn. I remember my dad giving me an article from the times when i was slightly older (19 say) which discussed the merits of living with argumentitive parents; you learn to see other peoples POV and in turn learn to discuss and negotiate.

Have a word with your OH, perhaps pen up a system of punishment, decide what is serious (truancy, bad marks?) and which isnt (probably the PE kit thing - which i would say is lack of discipline rather than 'naughtyness'). Start doing morning checklists? Get your kids into the air cadets? Just thinking aloud. Dont worry about other people slamming you, if everyone raised kids the same the world would be incredibly boring

But was your mum scared of him?

jellyhead

mountainofdebt wrote: »

According to our son (16) his biggest problem is that OH and I are both the good cop / bad cop and he never knows which one is going to be which,lol!

It's like that here sometimes if one of us is in a grumpy mood and is harsher than necessary. Parents are human and can make mistakes or have off days. My son is similar to me, so sometimes he would get told off for losing his PE kit or forgetting to take his lunch to school, but they are things I did all the time at school, and my mum always used to say I'd "forget my head if it wasn't screwed on" so I can understand why my son is so scatterbrained, and I am not as strict as my husband.

There's a very strict teacher who comes down very hard on the children, and she always says she has a dyslexic dyspraxic child herself, but it's no excuse for being sloppy - you have to work out strategies for coping with adult life.

Rather than punishing a child who forgets to bring kit home it might be better to write a checklist of the important things to do or things they need each day, and look at it before school. It might be a bit embarassing to have one in school at that age, but seeing it in the morning might be the memory jogger she needs. Another teacher, the second strictest in school asked my son to write his own organisational plan for the week, it seemed more effective than just giving him more detentions. Part of punishment ought to be a plan for how to stop it happening again.

foreign_correspondent

LonelyLil wrote: »

I actually went in to remind her a few times not to read etc as it would wind her dad up. She came out of her room a couple of times and I sent her back in. She might of thought it, but she wouldnt do it. Like I said I have good kids.

I took her tea up to her and some chocolate too.

oh dear, if her reading a book quietly in her room is enough to wind her dad up, to the extent where you feel the need to remind her not to, several times, she must be scared to breathe when he is in a 'mood' - that really is not normal you know.

She is a teenager - realistically is very likely that in the next few years she will do some things that will give you cause for concern - I just hope that she is not so scared of reactions at home that she cannot talk to you about any mistakes she makes, or risks she takes, which are all normal parts of growing up, if this is the scale of punishment for forgetting her PE kit!

I really think your husband needs some help with his parenting skills - I have no doubt he wants the best for his kids, but this is not generally the way to achieve it.

Odette

gizmo111 wrote: »

But was your mum scared of him?

I must admit I havent seen any evidence that the OP said she was scared of OH but I do skim... But seems the guy just had a shout and send the kid up to her room...hardly assult?

aliasojo

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

oh dear, if her reading a book quietly in her room is enough to wind her dad up, to the extent where you feel the need to remind her not to, several times, she must be scared to breathe when he is in a 'mood' - that really is not normal you know.

That is, if things were exactly as stated and not weighted iyswim?

gizmo111

I must admit I havent seen any evidence that the OP said she was scared of OH but I do skim... But seems the guy just had a shout and send the kid up to her room...hardly assult?

A few posts where she says she is scared/worried about his reactions. and the children are as well. It may not be assualt but it desn't seem this is a one off reaction or punishment. The child wasn't even allowed to read a book.

LonelyLil wrote: »

They seem to be scared of him. That isnt right. I was never scared of my parents and I turned out ok.

LonelyLil wrote: »

I am worried the same will happen tonight. What should I do if it does?

LonelyLil wrote: »

I am scared of his moods and of arguing in front of the kids. He would not do anything physical.

mikey72

The only person who stopped the child reading a book was the OP. All dad did was send her to her rooom, he never checked, and never got wound up as he probably didn't want to know if they were reading.

mummy_Jay

OP - My dad was one that got jealous of attention beining on anyone other than him, when I was a kid it was my mum's attention, now I'm a mum it's my DS. It has always put a huge strain on our relationship, I still can't talk easily to him and if I need to ask him something I still always ask my mum to broach it to him first.

How about sitting down with him and working out some house rules and punishments that suit if broken, so all of you know where it stands. If this whole thing sprung out of you moaning about not being able to wash the PE kit when you wanted to, it simple thing's like this if it's not there when you asked for it DD/DS have to do it themselves, etc. Whilst your at it put aside an even every other week just for you and OH, and an evening where each of you can just go out and do your own thing whilst the other looks after the kids (maybe OH would like to play a round of footy with his mates?). This would give you a chance to reconnect to each other but also have some time to yourselves to let off steam.
I hope this helps

Any

mikey72 wrote: »

The only person who stopped the child reading a book was the OP. All dad did was send her to her rooom, he never checked, and never got wound up as he probably didn't want to know if they were reading.

I completely agree.
Also later on the OP took it all back