Ex wants to take my child to Miami, I am lost!!

galvanizersbaby

Glamazon wrote: »

I think that she needs to be aware of what is going on and shouldn't just be told 'You are moving to the US for 2 years and that's final'

My sister is 9 but when she was 7 her Mum told her she had to see my Dad on days x and y after school. She was always really down about it, so when I was home I asked her what was up. Turned out she wanted to see Dad but on the specified days he was sometimes tired as he worked shifts or it clashed with things her friends were doing.
I talked to Dad and Step-Mum and they agreed to be more flexible - now my sister and dad sort it out, i.e. is Monday OK? Quick check with Mum, Yes. OK, I'll pick you up from school.

Has worked for the last 2 years but I agree that it depends on the type of child.

It's just such a huge decision that I think her opinions should be heard even if it was through a third party.
i.e. Mum and Dad sit her down and tell her the plans - plans, no decisions. A third party speaks with her alone in an informal way and just asks her how she feels about it. The third party could then inform the parents allowing them to make a decision with her feelings being taken into consideration.

OP - could you do this?

Perhaps my 7 year old is particularly unusual - I just think this wouldn't be fair on a child so young.
There are lots of decisions that parents have to make (whether together or apart) that effect their children and the future - I do not think children of this age should have to/be able to deal with this.

Glamazon

Tinuel wrote: »

Hi Glamazon,
I also agree that we should tell her and not just break the news at the last minute. I do not want her to side with any of us and we will make that clear. The third party option is a brilliant idea, she could "open" her feelings without the pressure of "upsetting" mum or dad....

Exactly! The 3rd party shouldn't be swayed either way - you don't want any putting ideas in her head that she later regrets.

There is nothing worse than being made to choose between Mum and Dad - I've been there when my parents divorced 20 years ago and I just said I didn't want to choose in front of them. But if someone had taken me to one side and just informally asked me what my views were I could have expressed them and things might have been different. Instead I ended up being sent to live with Dad from 5 to 7, then Mum decided she wanted me from 7 til 11, then Mum decided I was a devil child (OK I was :rolleyes:) so got shipped back to Dad again from 11 til I left home.

I'm a strong person and I think part of that situation did shape who I am today because I have learnt not to attach myself to things for too long and to see change and life very differently to my OH whose parents are still together 30 years on.
As a kid, I was never in a place long enough to call home and feel really settled. I stopped eating at one point and the GP said it was probably because this was the only thing I could control in my life

pinkshoes

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

You can't be serious?! - this isn't really dealing with the situation as a responsible parent

As opposed to have the mother take the child, and potentially never come back??? What if she gets into a relationship in the 2 years she's there, and stays?? It's a high possibility.

A "mis-laid" passport would at least prevent a potential "kidnapping" situation...

loftus

Errata wrote: »

Who would object the most and the longest ? You, or your daughter ? Children are remarkably resilient, and she would have your visits to look forward to.

Exactly the same could be said about the mother and taking the child to Miami.

galvanizersbaby

Glamazon wrote: »

Exactly! The 3rd party shouldn't be swayed either way - you don't want any putting ideas in her head that she later regrets.

There is nothing worse than being made to choose between Mum and Dad - I've been there when my parents divorced 20 years ago and I just said I didn't want to choose in front of them. But if someone had taken me to one side and just informally asked me what my views were I could have expressed them and things might have been different. Instead I ended up being sent to live with Dad from 5 to 7, then Mum decided she wanted me from 7 til 11, then Mum decided I was a devil child (OK I was :rolleyes:) so got shipped back to Dad again from 11 til I left home.

I'm a strong person and I think part of that situation did shape who I am today because I have learnt not to attach myself to things for too long and to see change and life very differently to my OH whose parents are still together 30 years on.
As a kid, I was never in a place long enough to call home and feel really settled. I stopped eating at one point and the GP said it was probably because this was the only thing I could control in my life

I am really sorry about what happened to you Glamazon but I am not sure what you think would have been different if a third party had been involved in your case and you had been able to choose who you lived with at the grand of age of 5 :eek:

It does sound as though you have come through it a strong person but imo what your parents did in asking you to choose was very wrong and as a parent reading your post your situation is a prime example of what I wouldn't want for my own children.

BTW - I am sure you were never a devil child

Zazen999

Having been in a similar situation, coming here from the other side of the pond; believe me it is a huge upheaval - i was aged 6 - it was a huge culture shock for me. And then there was the bullying because I had a different accent........nice.

I'd love to go back to live, but my OH's DD lives here - I wouldn't dream of asking him to make that decision.......but if people will put career ahead of family then what do you expect?

dinkytwostep

mummy_Jay wrote: »

Have you asked your ex what her intentions are towards schooling and your daughters education. The Americans sart later than us and teach a different curicculum or has she found a school that teaches a british a curriculum? QUOTE]

Hi Tinuel

Would you be in a position to look after you DD for a few weeks to enable your ex to sort out accommodation/school for your DD? Could you then travel over with her to the US - but make sure your DD knows when she will see you again. 2 years is a long time but would you be able to save your holidays and go to see her during that time?
It means your Ex won't have the hassle of dragging a young one around houses/appartments and will give you quality time with your child. The panic is then off.

Glamazon

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

I am really sorry about what happened to you Glamazon but I am not sure what you think would have been different if a third party had been involved in your case and you had been able to choose who you lived with at the grand of age of 5 :eek:

It does sound as though you have come through it a strong person but imo what your parents did in asking you to choose was very wrong and as a parent reading your post you are a prime example of what I wouldn't want for my own children.

BTW - I am sure you were never a devil child

You're probably right especially at age 5 but growing up I always resented the fact that I was never even informed of what was happening or asked what I wanted to do - even at the ages where I maybe was old enough to have an opinion. I was shunted from pillar to post and just left to get on with it. Making new friends, new schools etc and my parents lived in completely different areas! Mum was at home all the time, lived in an urban area lots of opportunty to do things whereas Dad worked all the hours he could and lived in the middle of nowhere! I got cautioned for shoplifting shortly after moving to my Dads at 11 - which was just attention seeking but probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been in this situation.

However, saying all that I think I am very successful - I have a good job, great OH, a mortgage, a newish car, money in the bank and a baby on the way. And I wouldn't want it any other way - I am however going to ensure that my child NEVER has to go through what I did as I'm sure not all kids would have turned out like me!

I was a bit of a devil when I was younger but think it was the rebel in me trying to get attention!

Anyway, enough about me

galvanizersbaby

Glamazon wrote: »

You're probably right especially at age 5 but growing up I always resented the fact that I was never even informed of what was happening or asked what I wanted to do - even at the ages where I maybe was old enough to have an opinion. I was shunted from pillar to post and just left to get on with it. Making new friends, new schools etc and my parents lived in completely different areas! Mum was at home all the time, lived in an urban area lots of opportunty to do things whereas Dad worked all the hours he could and lived in the middle of nowhere! I got cautioned for shoplifting shortly after moving to my Dads at 11 - which was just attention seeking but probably wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been in this situation.

However, saying all that I think I am very successful - I have a good job, great OH, a mortgage, a newish car, money in the bank and a baby on the way. And I wouldn't want it any other way - I am however going to ensure that my child NEVER has to go through what I did as I'm sure not all kids would have turned out like me!

I was a bit of a devil when I was younger but think it was the rebel in me trying to get attention!

Anyway, enough about me

BTW Glam - I have just re read my post aghast and realised when I said 'you are a prime example of what I wouldn't want for my own children' I actually mean't the situ your parents put you in not you personally!
I am sorry - have edited my post!

Good luck with your new baby x

Tinuel

dinkytwostep wrote: »

mummy_Jay wrote: »

Have you asked your ex what her intentions are towards schooling and your daughters education. The Americans sart later than us and teach a different curicculum or has she found a school that teaches a british a curriculum? QUOTE]

Hi Tinuel

Would you be in a position to look after you DD for a few weeks to enable your ex to sort out accommodation/school for your DD? Could you then travel over with her to the US - but make sure your DD knows when she will see you again. 2 years is a long time but would you be able to save your holidays and go to see her during that time?
It means your Ex won't have the hassle of dragging a young one around houses/appartments and will give you quality time with your child. The panic is then off.

Hi,
Yes, that is a very realistic possibility. The first few weeks will be very stressful for the ex with the move.