Ex wants to take my child to Miami, I am lost!!

newcook

I would say to let them go to miami - as another poster has said, its an opportunity that may never come their way again!

you say that your ex will resent you in later life if you ask her to stay - its possible that your daughter may resent you for that choice as well.

its only for a couple of years and you can visit, write letters, email, etc.

pinkshoes

At 7 years old, it's hard enough changing school, let alone changing country.

As she's only going for 2 years, it would make a LOT more sense for her to stay with you, stay at her school, and keep her friends. I changed school aged 8 and HATED it. My parents wished they'd left me where I was.

I would even go as far as taking the girl's passport and hiding it, just to make sure she doesn't just take her at the last minute...

What does your little girl want to do?

Pee

I hope it all works out.

If your ex met someone in Miami, the two years could become more...

I think your daughter should be involved in the decision and I do think it's good that you are discussing this - I have seen mothers move with the children and tell the fathers as an afterthought, not to America but miles away in the UK.

Try to keep those lines of communication with your ex open, as that will be important in the long run.

Would it be an option for your daughter to stay with you for three months whilst she settled in and you could then take your daughter over, go over to see her again at Xmas maybe and then again three months later and then have her for next summer holidays?

It does seem a great opportunity for your ex and also for your daughter, but only if your ex handles it well.

Yes, people do think that a mother is more important in a child's life than a father. I think they are equally important in different ways.

galvanizersbaby

MrsTine wrote: »

*mens jingly bits*! I lived with my dad for many years just him and me - mum lived a plane ride away so not something that lent itself to weekly visits (especially 25 years ago!) and I only moved to my grandparents when dad was going through divorcing my 1st step mum - it wasn't for another nearly 3 years after that that I moved in with my mum and stepdad and I'd say living with my dad certainly didn't do me any harm! Well... maybe apart from growing up without an unhealthy belief that everything shoudl be pink and that girls should play with dolls... And I think mum disapproved when dad taught me to shoot clay pidgeons before I was 10...

Is this what daughters learn from their mothers then? - I really must try harder

Tinuel

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

Does the OP have weaker reasons to object to the move if his daughter is not currently living with him - I'm not sure

Hi galvanizersbaby,
No weak reasons as such, despite all the problems between us two, I recognise that she is a great mother and my child would be in the safest of hands if she goes with mum. Nothing to point as a mother.

It is just a new situation to us both, separation (two months ago), and now move to a different country. To me, the biggest objection is the daughter and dad not having a daily contact....

galvanizersbaby

pinkshoes wrote: »

At 7 years old, it's hard enough changing school, let alone changing country.

As she's only going for 2 years, it would make a LOT more sense for her to stay with you, stay at her school, and keep her friends. I changed school aged 8 and HATED it. My parents wished they'd left me where I was.

I would even go as far as taking the girl's passport and hiding it, just to make sure she doesn't just take her at the last minute...

What does your little girl want to do?

You can't be serious?! - this isn't really dealing with the situation as a responsible parent

Errata

Tinuel wrote: »

To me, the biggest objection is the daughter and dad not having a daily contact....

Who would object the most and the longest ? You, or your daughter ? Children are remarkably resilient, and she would have your visits to look forward to.

Glamazon

I think that she needs to be aware of what is going on and shouldn't just be told 'You are moving to the US for 2 years and that's final'

My sister is 9 but when she was 7 her Mum told her she had to see my Dad on days x and y after school. She was always really down about it, so when I was home I asked her what was up. Turned out she wanted to see Dad but on the specified days he was sometimes tired as he worked shifts or it clashed with things her friends were doing.
I talked to Dad and Step-Mum and they agreed to be more flexible - now my sister and dad sort it out, i.e. is Monday OK? Quick check with Mum, Yes. OK, I'll pick you up from school.

Has worked for the last 2 years but I agree that it depends on the type of child.

It's just such a huge decision that I think her opinions should be heard even if it was through a third party.
i.e. Mum and Dad sit her down and tell her the plans - plans, no decisions. A third party speaks with her alone in an informal way and just asks her how she feels about it. The third party could then inform the parents allowing them to make a decision with her feelings being taken into consideration.

OP - could you do this?

galvanizersbaby

Tinuel wrote: »

Hi galvanizersbaby,
No weak reasons as such, despite all the problems between us two, I recognise that she is a great mother and my child would be in the safest of hands if she goes with mum. Nothing to point as a mother.

It is just a new situation to us both, separation (two months ago), and now move to a different country. To me, the biggest objection is the daughter and dad not having a daily contact....

Hi Tinuel

I keep trying to get a response together and then get distracted by others posts!
I meant in my post that I don't think you do have weaker reasons to object to the move due to the fact your daughter is not living with you currently (the poster I think was suggesting that if the shoe was on the other foot so to speak the mother would have weaker reasons to object apparently)
I do feel for you (it is very hard and certainly difficult enough at the beginning of a separation)

I think you need to sit down and have a long chat again with your ex and see if you can't come to some agreement re your daughter.
I do think at 7 years old she should be left out of the decision making process (yes it is 2 years out of her life) but I have a 7 year old myself and just don't think he would be equipped to cope with making a decsion like this but I guess you know your daughter best.

I hope whatever you both decide everyone is able to keep in touch regularly (be it you or mum your daughter lives with) as I feel this is the most important thing for her - to know that you both love her and are thinking about her wherever you may be temporarily located.

Good luck

Tinuel

Glamazon wrote: »

I think that she needs to be aware of what is going on and shouldn't just be told 'You are moving to the US for 2 years and that's final'

My sister is 9 but when she was 7 her Mum told her she had to see my Dad on days x and y after school. She was always really down about it, so when I was home I asked her what was up. Turned out she wanted to see Dad but on the specified days he was sometimes tired as he worked shifts or it clashed with things her friends were doing.
I talked to Dad and Step-Mum and they agreed to be more flexible - now my sister and dad sort it out, i.e. is Monday OK? Quick check with Mum, Yes. OK, I'll pick you up from school.

Has worked for the last 2 years but I agree that it depends on the type of child.

It's just such a huge decision that I think her opinions should be heard even if it was through a third party.
i.e. Mum and Dad sit her down and tell her the plans - plans, no decisions. A third party speaks with her alone in an informal way and just asks her how she feels about it. The third party could then inform the parents allowing them to make a decision with her feelings being taken into consideration.

OP - could you do this?

Hi Glamazon,
I also agree that we should tell her and not just break the news at the last minute. I do not want her to side with any of us and we will make that clear. The third party option is a brilliant idea, she could "open" her feelings without the pressure of "upsetting" mum or dad....