Ex wants to take my child to Miami, I am lost!!

Tinuel

Hi all,
To cut a long story short, I have recently separated from my partner and our divorce is underway. She in the meantime received a good job offer from a university in Miami plus the sponshorship to do a masters degree at the same instituition. She is leaving in 2 months time and wants to take our 7 year old daughter with her. I have asked her to reconsider, as just by thinking of being away from my daughter causes great pain. She said that the choice is mine, she prefers our daughter to go with her but if I feel so strongly about it then she stays with me but I know she does not mean it and will hold it against me at some point. Mothers always seem to think that they are the superior parent and we have no feelings.... She asked for an answer today and I am still unsure what to do.

1- I do not want to stop her from a very good job offer, it would not be fair...
2- I do not want to be so far away from my daughter, we are very close
3- But she will also suffer by being away from her mother, she is a very good mother
4- My ex said if our little one stays with me, she will go in "anger" and "pain".

This has been keeping me awake for most nights, only have a few hours till talking time and still do not know what to do....

whitewing

I would state that I do not want my child to go. I would actually take legal action to prevent the child going. Your wife's future is not your concern (being harsh).

But I think you would have to accept that she and the child will probably go anyway.

You are in a no win situation anyway. The only thing you can do is what your heart tells you. I don't think logic comes into this at all.

jayII

I feel for you, it's an awful situation!

In the end it has to come down to what would be best for your daughter. Have a careful look at all the options--how often you could see her, where you would stay if you visited, and so on.

What a shame that you and her mum are no longer together, because in many ways this is a fantastic opportunity for your daughter.

celyn90

((hug)) for you.

I think she is being selfish. I'm sorry but I do. Regardless of the fact you are separted now, she sees her career as more important than having both parents in the childs life. If she does as she says and is willing to leave her child, then she isn't a good mother. Her anger and pain is false - she has decided what she wants and everyone else can be damned, if it hurts that much then she would put the needs of the LO above her own.

Sorry to be blunt, but I cannot see why anyone would put their own needs over those of their child.

Best of luck with getting it sorted out, I don't think there is a hard and fast answer for you, just do as your heart tells you - but for the child and only the child, not for your ex as she is not your concern now.

My only worry would be that fighting would cause long term friction and you may find a fight now is a long one that goes on for years. You could perhaps ask her what she is planning to do long term - maybe if she is going for a year or two and will return then you can work round it.

loftus

Whatever happens your daughter is going to be seperated from one of you. At least your ex2b has given the option of her staying with you, even if she has qualified that by talking of her anger and pain if she does - I guess you would counter that you would have the same emotions if she goes.
If your daughter stays with you does this mean she stays at the same school, has her friends around etc?
Have either of you asked her what she wants to do? I know she is only 7 but this is a major decision about her future.
Going to Miami could be a great opportunity for her but it isn't necessarily so. She may hate it there!

Tinuel

Thanks guys, like you said it's a no-win situation. She will be there for 2 years before returning to the UK.
Plus, I confess that my ex thinks I am not good enough to raise her on my own, not that there was ever any problem, but she thinks that a mother is lot more capable when it comes to young girls.
That in itself creates a lot of pressure on my shoulders...

DKLS

I would let her and your daughter go with your blessing, it is a fantastic opportunity for both of them.
Technology such as Skype and cheap flights will help keep the relationship alive.

charlottecarter

What would be best for your daughter? Only you and your ex know the answer to that but that is the question that is most important... My stepson lives with us as his Mum wanted to move away and pursue her career but we all felt that he would be better to stay where his school, friends, wider family are. One of our close friend's son's lives in America with his mother - they felt that the opportunity to live there for 3 years would be good for him, and they are great at making sure they keep in touch and see each other in all the school holidays.
It's a tough one but PLEASE make the decision based on what is best for your daughter and not on how you, or your ex feel - that is your responsibility as a parent. I hope it works out for all of you. Your daughter is so lucky to have such a loving Dad!

loftus

It may be a fantastic opportunity for the daughter, it isn't guaranteed though.
Where are the rest of the family, both on your's and your wifes side? Will she have any support network in Miami?

Tinuel

Thanks all for your suggestions
Loftus,
Our family both hers and mine are split between the UK and Portugal ( I am Portuguese by birth, Londoner for 12 years now). In the US, her network are mostly former colleagues, friends, including the one who made the job offer.

When mentioning the possibility of staying in the UK to ex and decline the job, she said that I have no right to ask such thing and if she did, she could coul regret it and would blame me for the rest of her life....

purplegirluk1

Hi, this is a diffucult situation but as you have stated it is for 2 years, not indefinatly. Look at the opportunity your daughter has too, she will get to see life in a different place and have experiances she would not have here. She will get to meet new people and go to a different school, it will be good for her I am sure. Plus your ex will be furthering her career which can only be of benefit to your daughters quality of life and your daughter will be seeing her mother being a very positive role model.

I would say that two years is not that long, you can make the most of the time you will spend apart from her. You could develop a letter writing relationship, this would be something she can treasure forever, I know I have letters that mum my sent me whilst she was away on courses and I love reading them now and i am 27. You could perhaps start some kind of project that will last the two years she is away, sending here pictures and updates and have it finished for when she returns, perhaps a dolls house, tree house, write her a book and illustrate it, just something you can tell her about and then share when she returns. There are ways of getting through it that will stengthen your relationship and show her that you support her mother still and want the best for them both. Good luck, I am sure you will make the best decision for your little girl.