Wife and spending - doing me head in

Any

barnaby-bear wrote: »

Which sounds bad but it sounds even worse if you calculate your disposable income each year - if you had say £200 left over a month and paid NO INTEREST that's the best part of 10years to just get to square one - if no more overspending..... add in the interest..... Most people boggle at the idea of how long saving 20k would take but paying it back seems to worry them less....

I know what you mean... I had this with my OH as well and precisely this, what you said, scares the hell out of me.

It doesn't seem to scare him though, so I had to go for tough love.

I basically said I want to have children one day, but not with £20k debt as I will have to stay at home for little while and then pay nursery and won't even be able to afford to go to hairdressers because of his "good life" now - so either he stops or I want a divorce...

With me out of work and then my disposable income going to pay for nursery fees and his for card repayment we would be poor...

I said I cannot see single reason why to waste 10 yrs when I can have a children with a man who is so selfish as to put his spending before his family - now just me, but one day with a child.

So far it worked.. Fingers crossed.

jke

Thanks for all your replies. The kids are 10,3 and 2. I think a bit of life on a realistic budget is the answer with the planner you mentioned. I will have to put in place the consequences that Barnaby mentioned. Not a punishment but makeing her reponsible. She has obviously got away with this and I haven't really helped by allowing this tyo continue. It it is unreasonable and the money could be put to so much better use. Thanks for all your replies

jke

Sorry I missed this one. The 600 is for the shopping and kids clothes etc. I pay the childcare holidays going out etc. I thinks this is pretty generous and she can have the money she earns for herself. But it doesn't work.

Any

Can you see what does she spend the money on?
what is the thing that gets her over budget?

jke

I think it's just always buying top price organic stuff and premium brands at Waitrose and using a posh shops for the kids clothes and shoes. Really I don't know it doesn't add up. I have made the point that you have to really try hard to spend that much on shopping.

Errata

jke wrote: »

I think it's just always buying top price organic stuff and premium brands at Waitrose and using a posh shops for the kids clothes and shoes. Really I don't know it doesn't add up. I have made the point that you have to really try hard to spend that much on shopping.

Presumably you were happy to eat the top price oganic stuff and premium brands ?

jke

No. I don't think they are any better than the regular stuff but my partner thinks that anything less than "the best" is not good enough or is bad for us. Unless I do the shopping myself we end up with all this overpriced stuff. The kids drink gallons of organic orange juice becuse she won't have cordial . This alone cost abput 50 a month.

Even when I do some shopping she turns her nose up at own brands and value goods. There are some good sites about this but I can't convince her. It's really getting me down. Im' thinking if I give her 600 then if she over spends, it comes out of her own money but the scale of the waste is too much to ignore. It comes from our household regardless of whose money it is and there are better things we can do with it. I know I've let this run for too long although I have taken issue with it since we got together 5 years ago. She promised to try to economise when we had the kids and we went to one and a bit incomes but it didn't work. The money we have already wasted doesn't bear thinking aobut and it goes on.

Pollycat

jke wrote: »

I have found this thread v interesting. I am in a similar situation to Paul. However our income is about 4000. My OH gets 550 from her 2 afternoon a week job, all the family allowance . she also does some private tutoring which gets her qbout 120 a week in the season. She chose to stop work to look after our 2 children and on paper we should be ok.

I pay all of the bills, fill the car and I give her 600 a month. The problem is she regularly runs out of money and asks for more. There is no doubt that she works hard and I would like to think that she could run the household on the 600 + FA and have her own money to herself but she can't. It seems to be pure finanacial incompetence, a supermarket overspend and complete lack of responsibility or accountability. She doesn't seem to spend a huge amount on herself but can't account for it all. I put her on a tight budget but she got a credit card and ran up 5000 on it before she 'fessed up. I am still paying off her last card.

The question I had was " am I being resonable" but re-reading it I think I am. I care deeply about this woman but this financial irresponsibiliuty is causing big problems. I don't think she has ever budgeted or anything and when I met her was heading towards serious problems. She is aware of this and asked me to help. However she won't budget, keep reciepts or anything. Having been seriosly skiint at various points in my life, I do all these things am reluctant to take over as this would be v demeaning. This is v distressing for me. We could save a significant amount of money for holiday/treats/future but we don't. We have had the usual rows, assurances and new leaves but it never works. What is reasonable to give her? I think under the circumstances 600 is far too much and a bit of reluctant tough love may work but could damage our relationship. (nevertheless it's where I'm headed) Any thoughts or advice please?

JKE
Are you saying that your wife has the £600 you give her plus the family allowance plus the £550 she earns and she spends it all (and more) - on food and clothes for the kids?

It sounds to me like she's in the mindset of 'we earn good money so why shouldn't we spend it on expensive clothers and premium brand foods'.

That's fine if it's YOUR viewpoint too, but it obviously isn't - otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

Your kids don't have to drink cordial instead of organic orange juice - what's wrong with own brand orange juice?
Your kids don't need to be clothed in stuff from designer kids stores - what's wrong with clothes from M&S (or even Primark)?
Do you think that kids aged 10, 3 & 2 really need expensive clothes?

Why does your wife turn her nose up at own brands and value goods?
Can she really tell the difference?
There's some things I won't economise on (toilet paper, for one :rolleyes:) but if you're cooking, say, bolognaise sauce does a 60p tin of tomatoes really make it taste that much better than a 35p tin?

In your last post, you're thinking about the money that's already been wasted - if you don't put your foot down now, it'll just go on and on.
Do you have savings?
The money she'd squandering now could be invested for your children's future education or your own retirement.

What if either of your lost your jobs?

She's already gone behind your back and run up credit card debts of £5K (and left YOU to pay it off), what did she spend this money on?

It sounds like your wife has absolutely no concept of the value of money, and you don't seem to be taking a firm enough line with her.

barnaby-bear

jke wrote: »

No. I don't think they are any better than the regular stuff but my partner thinks that anything less than "the best" is not good enough or is bad for us. Unless I do the shopping myself we end up with all this overpriced stuff. The kids drink gallons of organic orange juice becuse she won't have cordial . This alone cost abput 50 a month.

Even when I do some shopping she turns her nose up at own brands and value goods. There are some good sites about this but I can't convince her. It's really getting me down. Im' thinking if I give her 600 then if she over spends, it comes out of her own money but the scale of the waste is too much to ignore. It comes from our household regardless of whose money it is and there are better things we can do with it. I know I've let this run for too long although I have taken issue with it since we got together 5 years ago. She promised to try to economise when we had the kids and we went to one and a bit incomes but it didn't work. The money we have already wasted doesn't bear thinking aobut and it goes on.

I think people here are genuinely shocked at how much you spend on food and clothing but that's something to do with the distribution of incomes and mindset here. Random internet sites might not seem relevent, it's what people see as the normal for them and their peers. Recently I've noticed even our flashiest of friends have gone credit-crunch-gastro-economy-eco-wasteless-cool, because it's become an "in" mindset.... your income's good by the average but £40k a year (then the tax) with 3 kids to support (future university support?) isn't really prime Waitrose budget. Does your wife hang around with lots of people on better incomes or inherited wealth? Is she bored and shopping for "the best" is her way of justifying her addiction, her way of doing the best for the family.

liney

If she's so keen on organic vegetables then have you considered setting up plot at home to grow your own next year? The children could get involved too. The next month or so is the ideal time to put in fruit bushes or trees to get started.

Is she spending alot on entertaining the children, ie are they bored stuck at home so are out every day paying to enter somewhere? There are lots of free activities about.

I always buy Clarkes shoes for DS as much as it makes me wince, however, childrens clothes from supermarkets last. I would only buy the winter coat from Mothercare/Marks/Adams, because i'm not happy with the quality of the cheaper ones and my son complains he's cold at break time.

I think you need to look at the items which you can compromise on; ie kids play clothes are from TESCO, but the shoes are Clarks. Meat is from the butcher, but veg/fruit is from the local market etc.