Wife and spending - doing me head in

Floss

The only problem with all the very sensible suggestions (some from names I recall from DFW a couple of years ago ) is that if the OP's wife has not yet had her LBM (light bulb moment - that sudden flash of realisation that she owes X, Y & Z a total of £xx,xxx) then she is unlikely to stop her current spending habits.

And as some of us will know, an LBM cannot be forced or had by someone's partner on their behalf!

This would be my plan of action to help that LBM on its natural way to shine:

1. Change your bank account to one in your name, have your salary paid into it and transfer all the bills (mortgage, council tax, fuel, water, etc) to that account.
2. Draw out a certain amount of cash each week for your food shopping (get over to the Old Style board for help with this budget) and give it to her to manage.
3. Draw up a spreadsheet of your monthly bills, working out how much you "should" have after all those regular (plus any odd ones like road tax or MOT ) are covered, taking into account housekeeping and a small amount of "spends" each week (I allocate £30 a week + a bit extra on payday for me but when I was paying off my debts it was £15 a week)
4. Cut up the cards and start to pay them off, highest interest first.

If your wife complains about any of this, then get out all the credit card bills, add it all up and ask what she is going to do about it.

And I am sorry to be blunt, but "she says its too much for her to work and look after him (even though hes in school)" is a load of carp. I and lots of other people on these boards have HAD to work whilst raising a family, quite a few of us on our own without the luxury of another income. I am not slating those who are stay-at-home-parents and both my ex-OH and I have done a bit of it when our family situation allowed, but when finances are a bit iffy like this, such excuses to avoid helping to sort it out are pathetic.


BTW, the Debt Free Wannabe board folks are really nice and friendly, why not go & see if they can help with this?

belfastgirl23

Just to say that all of the suggestions of cutting up cards, setting up a single bank account etc are sensible ways to try to begin tackling the debt. But they don't tackle your feeling of being stuck with managing all this with no support. I think by taking over and cutting her off you'll create a really bad feeling in your relationship. To me, what you need to do is let her know how much this is upsetting you and that it is beginning to have an effect on your relationship. If you are to take over control it should be by negotiation rather than by grabbing the reins. If you treat her like a child, most likely she'll act like one. I know when DH and I had a similar situation (although thankfully about spending rather than debt) in the end he asked me to take over the reins and I agreed. That worked far better for us. If I'd tried to bully him into it I would never have won.

Think about what's right in your situation though, I think the answers here are a list of options. We don't know your wife and you do, which is why in the end you'll know what will work for her.

robbiecaratiger

[quote=[Deleted User];22751915]Yeah. I've tried the nice approach. trouble is she leaves ALL the money to me. I've tried telling her how skint we are but her answers in either:-

1. Everyones in debt.
2. Could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I dont want to be controlling and tell her what to spend but I think I have certain rights being the one who looks after it all. To be fair, she pretty much gets what she wants and it taking liberties now.

I know that if I speak to here about her spending tonight her first answer will be I'll take back the stuff I bought today. But that makes me feel guilty. I'm not her Dad and shes not a teenager. I just want her to be a bit more responsible...[/QUOTE]

You sure we're not married to the same woman !!!

I know exactly where you're coming from.

angelicmary85

'her first answer will be I'll take back the stuff I bought today. But that makes me feel guilty'

She knows it makes you feel bad and you'll give in and let her keep the stuff...maybe you should try saying yes..take the stuff back! The shock of having you finally putting your foot down may help her see sense!

[Deleted User]

Sat her down last night for a chat. I explained all of our debts, our income, our outgoings every month. I showed her how much we owed on each card, how much interest was, and how much we were paying each month.

I also showed her that if we stuck to our budget we should still have £400 a month left over after minimum payments. Then showed her how much had been spent on clothes in the last 6 weeks (about £400).

She appeared to be really sorry. I think she meant it.

She lost a lot of weight over the last year or so, but has put a bit back on (she has been ill to be fair and unable to go to the gym). So, some of her clothes dont fit and buying new stuff has made her feel better.

She understand now (I hope) that this cant go on and has promised me to change. Shes promised we'll stick to the budget from now on. Also, some of the stuff bought yesterday is going back to the shop.

Our spending of the £20K has been on things like home improvements, cars, holidays etc, and, of course, over spending on things like clothes.

In terms of our CC bills etc, luckily 95% is on low interest rate balance transfer (some 3.9%, some 6.9%) so interest isnt THAT bad. However, there is one with about £500 on at normal interest rates...

belfastgirl23

Well done!

londoner1998

Fantastic! You are on the right track- if you can now may be sit together once a week or a fortnight to keep track of expenditure, you are on to a winner!

Well done you!:T

squirrelchops

I really empathise with everyone who posts on these boards withpartners who are unable to cope responsibly with finances. I can only imagine how stressful this is.

Fortunately OH is very good with his money...in fact rarely buys anything for himself as our moeny has gone on doing up the house which budgeted for very precisely.

OH and I have, when we were younger got into a bit of debt...nothing too bad but the ususal car loan, credit card etc. However, I have paid all mine off now and he is getting there. The relief it feels each month wehn you look at your bank statment to see you are not paying off these things is absolutely fabulous!!!

As others have said your OH needs a LBM. I have friends who I am witnessing going through this now...they are on an IVA YET have just gone to Sapin on holiday and she has joined a gym....so I wonder when they will finally learn!!!!!!

Caroline73_2

[quote=[Deleted User];22751831]She works part-time because we've got a 5 year old son. And she says its too much for her to work and look after him (even though hes in school).
[/QUOTE]

This is your bargaining tool!!!

I'm pleased your chat went well and it sounds like a great start. Once you have paid off your debt maybe she could up work? That would be great incentive for many people :rotfl:

SandC

I think you should point out to her that not everyone is in debt outside of mortgage.

I take home less than £1200 per month and I don't even possess a credit card, let alone have a £20k debt (and yes I have a mortgage and all the other outgoings that people have).