Wife and spending - doing me head in

[Deleted User]

I've always done the financial stuff in our house. At the moment, although we're not dead skint, we do have credit card debts of over £20K.

I've tried to be nice about to the wife, and tell her we need to stick to a budget every month for food/clothes. Since she does most of this shopping we've agreed she can look after this 'budget'. If its within limit and we've got food and clothes I dont care what she spends it on.

Trouble is in probably 4 years, its been within budget less than 5 times.....

Like I said, we can pay our credit card bills, but its starting to go up and up and getting out of hand.

This weekend, we spent £90 on clothes etc on all of us for holidays. Today she said she was going out with her friend shopping. I reminded her of the 'budget' but didnt want to be nasty and said she could buy something if she saw a bargain.

Trouble is she spent almost £50 on bargains. Now I know she tries, and doesnt spend on expensive stuff but the quantity is getting beyond. The number of pairs of shoes shes got is unbelievable....

What do I do? I dont want to come over as controlling but someones got to get this in hand. I try to be nice about it and get her to do it as well (since its her money as well) but feels shes taking advantage now.

So far in the last two weeks, its been over £150 on clothes etc. Last month was near £200.

londoner1998

Hello Paulfoel
I'm new on these forums, although I have been reading for months.
First of all, well done for keeping tabs on expenditure and also for trying to be nice to your wife. It seems to me she is not taking the issue serioulsy enough. I think you need to sit down with her and explain what you just said here, but making very clearly this is something for you both to be dealing with. Then you need to discuss what the real money available for 'bargains' is. Are these 'bargains' essential (ie, food, water, gas, council tax, kids school, etc…)? If not, and unless you know you will use these things consistently in the future, she shouldn’t buy them. Coould she do something else with her friend- ie, go for a coffee/swim/dance class…? These could certainly cost much less than a trip to the shops. I am not in debt (although my now non-existan overdraft was threatening to become a permament fixture), but I do know that spending can be an activity used to fill up boring hours…You need to be honest with her and make her realise you have debts to pay before you can afford these amounts and this is making you upset as it is getting out of hand. How about setting an account for everyday needs (rent/mortgage, food, bills) and another for whatever is left for extras an treats?? This has worked a treat for me and is helping my non-financially aware husband. When money seems not a problem it is easy to think it is ok to go and spend. My OH just realised overdrafts are not free and endless and I couldn’t lend him money as I am paying for expensive counselling and we moved to a much more expensive flat!!! He is now on the way to slowly realise he needs to manage it himself, but I made the mistake of not telling him off at the beginning because, like you, I didn’t want to appear controlling), Soending is a habit, and like all habits can be broken. Perhaps saving what she would spend on these shopping escapades for a short holiday together or something she might enjoy (spa session/massage)? I haven't shopped in months, only when I really needed clothes for work meetings and radically cut down cosmetic expenditure. I go for a coffee, not a full meal with friends and also invite them around for coffee at my sawnky (and rent-expensive!) flat. I am much happier and have a sense of control I didn’t have before. You need to make sure she does not have access to any more money than she should spend. Discuss it with her and see how it goes. Present her wih alternatives to do things that doen't cost so much money. Good luck, and again well done for being realistic and honest with yourself.

Pee

Lovely suggestion one of the other posts on here reminded me about is freezing your credit card, literally into a big block of ice. You then need to take it out maybe 24 hours beforehand, so still there when you need it, but not for shopping bargains.

I think it's a matter of sitting down and talking about it and coming up with a budget you can stick to, and I appeciate that you have done this already.

Is it an option for her to bring in more money?

whitewing

Could you get her ebaying or selling some of the old stuff?

If dealing with it becomes a hassle, it may put her off buying it in the first place.

We decided to write down all our cash spends, and it was such a pain to do that we hardly ever spend cash now!

[Deleted User]

Pee wrote: »

Lovely suggestion one of the other posts on here reminded me about is freezing your credit card, literally into a big block of ice. You then need to take it out maybe 24 hours beforehand, so still there when you need it, but not for shopping bargains.

I think it's a matter of sitting down and talking about it and coming up with a budget you can stick to, and I appeciate that you have done this already.

Is it an option for her to bring in more money?

She works part-time because we've got a 5 year old son. And she says its too much for her to work and look after him (even though hes in school).

You'd be surprised that between us we bring home over £3100 a month in pay.

[Deleted User]

londoner1998 wrote: »

Hello Paulfoel
I'm new on these forums, although I have been reading for months.
First of all, well done for keeping tabs on expenditure and also for trying to be nice to your wife. It seems to me she is not taking the issue serioulsy enough. I think you need to sit down with her and explain what you just said here, but making very clearly this is something for you both to be dealing with. Then you need to discuss what the real money available for 'bargains' is. Are these 'bargains' essential (ie, food, water, gas, council tax, kids school, etc…)? If not, and unless you know you will use these things consistently in the future, she shouldn’t buy them. Coould she do something else with her friend- ie, go for a coffee/swim/dance class…? These could certainly cost much less than a trip to the shops. I am not in debt (although my now non-existan overdraft was threatening to become a permament fixture), but I do know that spending can be an activity used to fill up boring hours…You need to be honest with her and make her realise you have debts to pay before you can afford these amounts and this is making you upset as it is getting out of hand. How about setting an account for everyday needs (rent/mortgage, food, bills) and another for whatever is left for extras an treats?? This has worked a treat for me and is helping my non-financially aware husband. When money seems not a problem it is easy to think it is ok to go and spend. My OH just realised overdrafts are not free and endless and I couldn’t lend him money as I am paying for expensive counselling and we moved to a much more expensive flat!!! He is now on the way to slowly realise he needs to manage it himself, but I made the mistake of not telling him off at the beginning because, like you, I didn’t want to appear controlling), Soending is a habit, and like all habits can be broken. Perhaps saving what she would spend on these shopping escapades for a short holiday together or something she might enjoy (spa session/massage)? I haven't shopped in months, only when I really needed clothes for work meetings and radically cut down cosmetic expenditure. I go for a coffee, not a full meal with friends and also invite them around for coffee at my sawnky (and rent-expensive!) flat. I am much happier and have a sense of control I didn’t have before. You need to make sure she does not have access to any more money than she should spend. Discuss it with her and see how it goes. Present her wih alternatives to do things that doen't cost so much money. Good luck, and again well done for being realistic and honest with yourself.

Yeah. I've tried the nice approach. trouble is she leaves ALL the money to me. I've tried telling her how skint we are but her answers in either:-

1. Everyones in debt.
2. Could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I dont want to be controlling and tell her what to spend but I think I have certain rights being the one who looks after it all. To be fair, she pretty much gets what she wants and it taking liberties now.

I know that if I speak to here about her spending tonight her first answer will be I'll take back the stuff I bought today. But that makes me feel guilty. I'm not her Dad and shes not a teenager. I just want her to be a bit more responsible...

whitewing

I always think, if you're going to get hit by a bus tomorrow, you won't actually be needing the stuff anyway.

I know what you mean about not wanting to be 'Dad' (or in my case, I was always the 'bad guy'). I didn't have the same problem in that DH didn't spend loads and loads, but he always seemed to have a list of 'wants' that I always had to make the decision on as I was 'volunteered' to be the financial controller.

In the end, I had to get quite annoyed with him, told him he made me feel terrible, and tell him that like it or lump it, he WAS going to take some financial responsibility. This would be more responsibility that he would want to take, but less than I wanted him to take.

It has taken literally months but we're a much better team now.

belfastgirl23

I think you need to have a proper calm talk with her, not now when it can easily become about one shopping trip, but a bit later on when you can make it a discussion about principles.

I think you should tell her that the level of debt you both have in the current economic climate is starting to really worry you. Don't be derailed by her 'knocked down by a bus' thing. What are the odds of the entire family being knocked down by a bus? Tell her it's possible you'll be knocked down by a bus and then she'll have a 20k debt to pay alone.

Is there stuff you can get her to focus on? Does she want your child to have options later in life to go to university or whatever? Can you point out to her that the lifestyle you're leading now will in the end damage him? Think about her and think about how to 'sell' her on the idea of spending less.

The other thing to do though is to show her that you're making efforts. I think it might be worth posting on the debt free wannabe board with your SOA and seeing if they suggest cutbacks. There might be some changes you could make. If you offer to give up your car or cut back on something that she knows matters to you, she might take you more seriously. The DFW folks also have really good tips. Like operating in cash for spending areas that you know you're vulnerable to overspending on.

Finally I think you need to tell her that the stress of this is making you unhappy and making you feel very unsupported. You need to say this really clearly to her to make sure it doesn't just turn into your usual discussion. Try to keep the conversation focused on how you feel rather than on her actions. It's very hard for her to come back on you about feeling upset or whatever.

good luck and let us know how it goes!

celyn90

Sounds like a silly question, but why is she shopping so much? Has she always been like this or is it a recent thing.

I must admit I would see this a failure to take responsibilty and fit into the role she is in now. I would be harsher to be honest and remove the means for her to do this, but I think you do have to sit her down and have a long chat about it first - and stick to it rather than let her get away with blowing the budget each time.

ailuro2

[quote=[Deleted User];discussion/1774023]I've always done the financial stuff in our house. At the moment, although we're not dead skint, we do have credit card debts of over £20K.

[/QUOTE]

Actually, you are really skint...

what would happen if the credit card provider called in the debt tomorrow??

How would you live?

How would you provide for your son.

With £3100 coming into the home at the moment, there shouldn't be any need for your wife to up her working hours.

However, she needs to take some responsibility (as do you - you have let it get out of hand, you were the one who was meant to be holding the financial reins, but you let the horse bolt, as it were.;))

First, cut up the credit cards. You can't afford them. Around £150 a month in i nterest means you're probably working an hour every day to pay just the interest on them....

Each month, let her keep an amount of money out of her wages to spend on clothing, make up, entertainment, take away food. Tell her she is responsible for this. She is in charge of the 'luxuries' moneypot.

You are in charge of the 'necessities' money pot and will pay all the mortgage, council tax, fuel bills,credit cards etc.Order a weekly shop from Tesco or Asda - this will keep her away from the 'bargains' there too. Set up direct debits for everything else.

Then follow Martin's golden rule and pay the most amount off of the highest interest card first till it is gone, followed by the next card and then the next.

Say you manage to pay off £1,000 a month for the next couple of years - it might seem far off, but both of you can no doubt picture how many holidays you have when suddenly you have £12000 to spend each year that you didn't used to have.;) You see, you'll be used to living on a lesser budget so end up being able to live within your means.

Get real, get both your heads out of the sand, and get over to the debt-free wannabe board.

IMHO it's not just your dear lady who doesn't think there's too much of a problem.

Not everyone is in debt, not everyone takes home £3100 a month in wages even with both partners working full time. Yet they have money to overpay mortgages, have money to go on far flung holidays, and have money to buy new cars - this isn't done through credit or loans, it's done by spending money wisely.

Best of Luck, :Dsorry to sound harsh, but it does sound like your wife is expected tot ake all the blame here, when it's probably not ALL her to blame.;)

lynzpower

Be honest, what has the 20k on credit cards been spent on?

Do you know if she has other CCs that she pays the bills alone on

What about her salary where does it go?

Personally i think you are being too nice, its this spending that YOU dont like, im guessing YOU bring in the lions share of the 3100 yet you are still in debt. I take it some of this debt you dont want is it your name? What APRs have you got- have you put them in the snowball calculator- how long are you going to be paying these cards off for? Are the cards still in use? How would you pay these if you lost your job? Would you have to look at bankrupcy? Do you have savings- if so how much?

I would say that you yhave given her the budget adn for years she has not stuckto it, Id say shes proven she cant manage that budget. Therefore you shall have to do it. And she will have to learn from you how to manage money in order to kep the family secure. You can do grocery shopping online and most supermarkets will save your regualr items so it can be quicker each time.

I say this as a fully reformed moneywaster- now a certified moneysaver! I can still go a bit mad with money from time to tim. Ive paid off all my debts with the help of this site, and i am now over 500 pcm better off through this, and can waste it on shoes if I choose ( I dont)

I think you need to stand up for yourself a bit it seems that she just does what she wants even though you dont like it