Wife and spending - doing me head in

neas

sounds a difficult conundrum. She has to learn the value of money and how to control spending.

Give her 20 quid each week to spend on clothes... and you manage rest of money. Get her to cancel her credit cards etc

blue_ashleigh

You could get the cash out each week for shopping and stick the cards to a wall (or hide )
If you only have the cash and no other money then you blooming well keep within budget or it's embarrassing! Seems to work with OH as long as his cards are removed from his wallet! (obviously sit down with her and explain why this is important to you first!)

Intergalactic_Floozie

It's a bad habit, that's all!

I was exactly the same and then BAM! Out of the blue my hubby got made redundant and that was the short, sharp shock needed to force me to curtail this bad habit.

He's thankfully got another job, but it's on 50% of what he was getting, and I had to loan money from my parents to pay off our credit cards, and now I can see that all those "bargains" and "must haves" weren't really necessary and was just an addiction, the buzz of spending money.

Now even when I set money aside to allow me to buy myself nice things, I feel guilty spending the money. I've spent about £6 on clothes since 21st April, which is the date he got laid off.

I don't want to tempt fate, but could you not tell her a little lie, and that your job 'could' be at risk, and so you need to reign in the spending?

I wish my hubby had the firm hand you had when it comes to the household finances!

Lilith1980

Hi Paulfoel

I have had the same sort of problem with my DH. I tend to be the one looking out for the finances and i am very careful with money but he isn't so careful.

We sat down the other night and to his credit he actually realised how he can't go on being so careless. I asked if I could cut up and cancel his credit card and he said yes. I think you need to sit down with your wife and talk this out with her and don't feel guilty if she says she'll take things back - it might be what she needs to do to get the message across.

I know you bring in a total of £3,100 but the spending on clothes is obviously an issue so I think you need to suggest she cuts down - does she really need new clothes every month?? I know we all need treats now and again but I settle for a bar of chocolate rather than a new wardrobe.

Sometimes it's tough love but I think most of the time everyone needs their own "lightbulb" moment.

euronorris

Have you sat down with her and shown her each and every debt that you have. Totalled it up, and shown her how much just meeting the minimum repayments costs, and how long it would take to clear if you ONLY did that, never mind anymore additions to them.

I think, together with this, you should also work through the full budget planner with her so that she can see where the money is going. You could ask her to put in a figure for how much she thinks she spends on clothes, shopping etc and then show her the previous month's bank statement that will more than likely show a much higher figure.

If you do all this and explain that currently, each month, you are overspending by XXX amount, and at that rate your debt will have increased to XXXXX by this time next year, then she should start to see the bigger picture.

If she's still in denial about it at this point, simply ask 'Well, how long do you think we can continue to overspend like this before we run out of credit and can no longer afford to pay our bills?'. That should at least make her think and she can't really argue back to it!

I think that, whilst she obviously should not have access to the food/ essentials budget anymore, she does need to be involved in preparing the budget with you. She needs to be involved, to see the reality and take some responsibilty, otherwise she will never learn.

I also think you need to be very firm with her from now on. No more excuses. If she threatens to take the shopping back just respond with 'That's a great start darling, we'd be knocking XXX amount of our debt already' and be positive (not too much though! Just enough to let her know that you aren't going to take the excuses this time.).

Good luck, I hope it all goes well. Let us know how you got on or ever just need to get it all off your chest.

The Debt Free Wannabe is a great place and I've seen nothing but support and helpful suggestions from the people on there, so make sure to check in with them too

lynzpower

I know you bring in a total of £3,100 but the spending on clothes is obviously an issue so I think you need to suggest she cuts down - does she really need new clothes every month?? I know we all need treats now and again but I settle for a bar of chocolate rather than a new wardrobe.

I too used to buy a lot of clothes, back when my spending habits were a problem. I really found the recipe and catalyst for really saving money, was by making money-to pay the cards off with.

Its certainly sobering to realise that 20 quid top you bought and never wore is lucky to fetch 50p at a car boot sale. On the plus side though some things do go for good money on ebay. Even in my frugal ways now when i have less to sell - i sold 8 items of clothing for over 120.00 on ebay last week.

You can definately surmount this problem, there are so so many people on his forum who struggle like lillith and you, and so many people change their behaviour from the support and advice from this site.

You really must digest everything you can from here to work off how to pay your debts off asap, to have a better life in the long run. I speak from bitter experience that "manageable debt" can become "unmanageable debt" within days. I went from coping to not coping when I became unwell and had to take reduced pay. Dealing with the problem now will give you great strength for when challenges like this come your way. I really wish Id had the foresight to see my debts as a problem before they became a catastrophe.

Good relationships can come out a lot stronger when you both work towards the same goal, and achieve financial stability. Being stable and open about money problems has been th emaking of our relationship, by overcoming the problems I had with money, has meant that we both have an infinately better life, and we are beholden to no one for money. :beer:

Work at it, its worth it

angelicmary85

It's a difficult situation but I suggest showing her your debts on the snowball calculator. I don't know where the link is but will try to find it for you!

EDIT - Here it is! http://www.whatsthecost.co.uk/snowball.aspx

You could post you statement of affairs (income/expenditure) on the Debt-Free Wannabe board. I'm a DFW and the guys over on that board are really supportive and will be able to give you loads of advice on how to save some dosh!

pinkshoes

I would go for giving her a weekly cash amount for shopping, so that way she can't over spend, and she'll be forced to look at all the prices and add them up as she goes along, so that she can't overspend.

First, sit her down and point out the £20k credit card bill needs to be paid off ASAP, and explain what % of her wage is being wasted on interest. Try and make it sound like taking a set amount of cash out each week is a good idea, so you can control the budget.

mountainlioness

I agree with euronorris - lay out the full facts and figures...

if you just give her a budget and don't let her near anything else (e.g. bills), she's taking less responsibility not more - how can she be expected to appreciate where you are and what needs to happen if she's kept away from the scale of the problem?

It is easy for one person to take total charge of the finances - I do - but I try to remember to take DH through the spreadsheets on a regular basis so he can see where we are and what we have to play with/need to save for. It's about being equal adults. I don't think it matters who earns what - you're in this thing together and the responsibility has to be shared (in terms of paying off debt, that sharing should help as it's a hard slog on your own - you can support and encourage each other along the way)

BTW, just an afterthought - how does she feel about being the lower earner? I wonder if that somehow contributes to her less responsible attitude? Just hearing about other posters where one party isn't earning and it becomes a real obstacle to taking an equal role. Sometimes if you're put in a 'dependent' or 'subservient' role you can end up acting like it too... not saying that's the case for you but it might be a factor for her, even subconsciously?

celyn90

mountainlioness wrote: »

I BTW, just an afterthought - how does she feel about being the lower earner? I wonder if that somehow contributes to her less responsible attitude? Just hearing about other posters where one party isn't earning and it becomes a real obstacle to taking an equal role. Sometimes if you're put in a 'dependent' or 'subservient' role you can end up acting like it too... not saying that's the case for you but it might be a factor for her, even subconsciously?

I agree it can be really hard when you have a high difference in income between partners. From the OP's post though it looks like she wants a lifestyle without having to work for it. If it was truly a case of differences in earnings, she maybe would go back to work full time to keep some level of independance. I wonder if it's more to do with losing the full-time mother role now the LO is at school and a feeling of displacement - shopping would fill the void. Just a thought, I could be wrong.