Could he find me?

Taye

*Maya* wrote: »

Oh for Gawds sake! Stop posting defeated posts like that and take some action. I would be the first to sympathise if I believed you but like BallandChain says your posts don't ring true.
If you believe you are in *real* danger you can protect yourself by taking an injunction out against your ex if you think there is a chance he is going to harm you or your children. If you are genuinely concerned about him harming the children you will do this now. End of. If you are for real get help using a solicitor as posters have said. The solicitor can explain how to go about protecting you and your children legally. If you are trully afraid you will take this route ie if your situation is *real* you can stop him from seeing you and having contact with the children.
Sorry if my post seems hard but your posts don't ring true. First you're divorced then you're not. You have no contact for seven years then he stays over sometimes. I see that even though you say you left your home you were out in your garden this morning pollenating your flowers. :rolleyes: I don't get it.

yes i was pollentating my yellow courgette this morning.. cheers for that im not a compleate moron it's in a POT!! you know those things that move and yes actually i did take it with me.



Now if i'd been weeding my cauliflowers you'd have a point because they are in the ground! yes as stupid as it sounds i did take a whole bunch of plants with me because they are very important to me, so cheer's for that.

Trust me when it comes to this site im well aware of how people go thought every god damn post you ever wrote to dig up anything they can find, im not moron enough to post about pollenating flowers just this morning unless i actually doing it. I didn't realise i had to post a list of everything i took out of the house and everything i left?

Belive me .. don't belive me i really couldn't give a flying **** anymore because it really doens't matter anyway because everything is sorted now.

inamess200

Taye

I think you need to see a solicitor there are even online ones - wikidivorce is a good site. And there is even a site that offers legal advice in a private chat room this would give you a basic understanding of where you stand and how to proceed.(cant remeber the name but can find it if you need it) No one will ever know what has gone on between you and ex and its not for anyone to know or pass judgement ( believe me some of the stuff i put up with and gave him another chance over would make a hollywood movie - including him getting banged up until charges were dropped) but you need to make a new start for you and the boys (who are the most important people in all of this ) and now is the time with or without 'Dave' you know where to find me if you want to talk more

Inamess xxx

sassygirl_2

Hi Taye,
Just wanted to say, ive sat here and read through the whole 5 pages of this thread.
I really feel for you.
To those people saying it deosnt ring true, have you even been in a violent relationship? have you seen the control some of these men have over "their" women as they like to call them.
Yes they do wander in and out of that womans life as and when they please.
and to be honest what good can an injunction do? yes it all looks good, but its no good when the blokes got his woman at knife point. please do tell, what can an injunction do at that very point? nothing!!! Not worth the paper its written on.

Sorry, im juts mad on behalf of Taye here.

I watched my sister go through a violent relationship. even when she plucked up the courage to leave, he still haunted her from a distance.
he battered her kids and her and even with an injunction still beat crap out of her!

Taye, is there any chance you can change your name by deed poll? Therefor if he did try looking for you through electrol roll ect he wouldnt be able to find you due to name change.
also with regards to the kids, make sure the school knows that no one is to pick them up or speak about them unless you have informed them first or set up a telephone password. (i have one for my daughter)

wishing you all the best, and i hope you do find freedom within yourself and happiness xxxx

sanpellegrino

I'm a lurker, but really felt inspired to register to reply to post some support for Taye.

I'd just like to point out that for many abusers, shame is one of the key ways in which they try and control their victims, and stop them coming out and getting help.

A lot of people are scared of being open about their violent partner/parents, even if it is in the past, and this leads to the whole "not being 100% transparent kind of thing".

Getting used to having to lie or cover up constantly is NO FUN and not a lot of people would do it out of choice. Coming from a background where your parents or partner don't beat you up on a whim, this can be quite hard to understand. But it happens.

Good luck Taye - I really hope things work out well for you. And can I just say as well how much I respect your independence and your desire not to take advantage of the legendary Dave

(although a little voice in my mind is still screaming "FOR PITY'S SAKE WOMAN JUST LET HIM HELP!!!" lol)

angelpye

Taye wrote: »

im sure refuge are great.

but i really don't want to get involved with them, i know you will probabally think im being stupid but i sort of feel like if i get them involved it's because i failed to be strong enough to sort it out myself.

I just don't think i want to sit and discuss all my history with a stranger, don't get me wrong im sure they have heard worse, but it's personal to me and i really can't face discussing it over and over with a bunch of strangers.

Getting in contact with an advice agency like refuge or womens aid doesn't mean he has defeated you it just means you are arming yourself with the best advice available. Where I work we have specialist solicitors involved and work to block all possible tracing methods. Yes the data protection act is there to protect you but it depends on his contacts. You say he is extremely violent and dangerous, you can't ignore your instincts and have to protect yourself, your children and your new partner and do it safely. The advisors should do a thorough risk and safety plan with you and assess your level of risk. If it's really high then they should refer you to a MARAC (multi agency risk assessing conference) which means anything that agencies hold on you and your ex with regards to safety can be shared - data protection is overridden by the human rights act as your right to live free from torture and inhumane treatment overrides rights to privacy. Earlier you said you were worried that you were/were almost painted as an unfit mother - by doing all you can (through the correct channels) to protect your children from someone who is dangerous ie Police, Solicitor, safety planning you will be demonstrating great protective parenting capacity.
Believe in yourself, it takes alot of strength to survive abuse so you are stronger than you think. Recognising when you need it and seeking help is a strong thing to do.

It's important for us all to know and remember that research shows a woman may leave her abusive partner on average 7 times and return to the relationship, this can be because she can't cope, she misses him, he forces her, she is scared etc. Also that when a woman leaves her abuser looses the hold and control he had over her and therefore her risks increase as he may increase his behaviours in order to have control back, a woman usually instinctivly knows this and will often stay in order to protect herself and her children in the short term.
Being judgemental to someone who probably has lived with alot of shame and guilt over a situation that wasn't her fault is wrong. Shame on you that judge, especially if you have never experienced the dynamics of abuse and fear in your own home.

Good luck x

SharonW_2

Taye

I ama reallurker on here and don't really post much. I have followed this thread and also your when to start dating again thread. I feel compelled to post

I have been really hoping things would work out or you.

I unerstand why you can tell people on here the truth, because you can hide behind teh computer.

It's much more daunting in real life laying out your business in such a manner.

You do need to get proper advice though. Much as everyone on here is great, they can't provide properlegal advice.

Most solicitors will give you a free half hour consultation. I know how hard it will be to give the details but you don't need to go right into the abuse side of things; the solicitor will be more interested in the facts than trying to give you therapy!

Find out where you stand. Go to a solicitor an hours drive if it makes you feel more comfortable. If you decide not to go with what the solicitor suggests you're no worse off.

Please be aware there are always mechanisms in place to deal with such situations as yours; your case wont be unique and teh solicitor will be able to tell you what is likely to happen,what rights you have,what rights he has. They may also allow you to get an injunction (England & Wales) or interdict (Scotland) to stop him being ableto approach you oryour kids. Therefore even if he finds you,he can't come near without being arrested.

If you get everything sorted,you could move away and change your name if you want to go that far to get him out of your life?

I hope it all works out for you and I will be watching for your updates

RAS

Taye

I can see that you have not posted for a couple of days and that you had a rough ride when you were last on. There is some very good advice in the recent posts.

Please keep coming back.

A few very basic things.

1. Talk to school and make sure they know that there are issues. Ask them not to let the kids out of school except with you.

2. If OH does not already have them, install smoke detectors and a security alarm, preferably one you can set so that down stairs is covered after you all go to bed. Check the locks but my guess is the weakest point is the doorframes? ask the police to have a look at them.

3. Legally, you can use any name you like, you do not have to do deed-poll, but it is difficult to get accounts as you know.

4. Going BR does not prevent you working in banking. Several people on the BR forum work in banks and some went BR with their employer's help. You have a union rep/ Ask them to enquire anonymously for you.

5. If you find face to face hard, then consider whether you could lift sections of these posts and construct a "letter" to the legal advisor at the refuge. If you are happier that way, I suspect they could work with you by e-mail instead of face to face. I certainly deal with my legal advisor by e-mail and phone as they are several hours away.

Regarding the "truth", one thing I learned from the chaos of my own family's lives is that we all tell versions of our own realities and they may not tally when compared. I only discovered that my mother had massively edited major details in her life when she was in her sixties. I understood her better in consequence.

We all operate as competent adult and confused nutter at least some of the time, me included. Anyone who does not suffer from imposter syndrome has done a lot of work already and is probably telling porkies.

Taye

RAS wrote: »

Taye

I can see that you have not posted for a couple of days and that you had a rough ride when you were last on. There is some very good advice in the recent posts.

Please keep coming back.

Thanks Ras

there's really not much to keep coming back for, everything has been sorted out now, thanks for the advice something to bare in mind for the future.