Could he find me?

Taye

barnaby-bear wrote: »

There's also the join house asset involved though.

It's not got much equity in it unfortunatly, i little but not much.

RAS

taye

Do i gather you are not living at the house at the moment?

Go over to SIL and tell her to put back everything or you call the police.

Just been reading some of your other posts re finances etc.

Some thoughts.

After 7 years of no DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTABLE CONTACT, (sorry about caps) , you can have OH declared dead. As you have no evidence that he is still alive apart from untraceable messages, talk to a solicitor. it might flush out OH.

Then you can serve divorce papers on him, although legally you do not need him to turn up.

if you really really want shot of the house and are prepared to permanently trash your credit record, then consider bankruptcy and repossession. A pretty drastic action considering how small your unsecured credit is, but after repro the secured debt would become unsecured and would be added in. then the credit companies will chase OH.

However, you do need to be renting not living with BF to show you have enough expenditure, otherwise you will get a IPO and have to cough that amount up each month. if things with BF changed, you would be able to rent somewhere in your own name later but you might struggle both to find a landlord because of the BR and to find the deposit.

Taye

sorry having a dumb moment but what does "DIRECTLY ATTRIBUTABLE CONTACT" mean?? im not sure how i can get him declared dead, i know he's alive, i know his mother and sister both have contact with him??

RAS

Hi

I am being Cheeky here, but his mum and sister tell you they have contact with him. Do you have any direct evidence of this, other than what they say?

Any texts come from an anonymous source, so they could come from anyone. He could be dead as far as you know, given you have not seen him that long. have you actually spoken to him at all?

You may not believe he is dead but one solicitor's letter suggesting he get in touch in person with the lawyer as you are contemplating legal action to resolve outstanding financial issues might bring him out of the wood work.

Then your solicitor can serve him divorce papers.

carefullycautious

Hello Taye, just wanted to say that this ex of yours is nothing but a controlling bully. What disarms you is your fear of him. You do not have to live your life within the constrains of his behaviour.

YOur first port of call is to arm yourself with as much information as y need. So take advise from the above posters and talk to people who can help. Then take it a step at a time. Bullies need to be stood up to but not if it puts you in danger.

I would get the divorce first, like everyone says after 7 years you can declare someone dead. Dont be intimidated by that fool of a Sister in law. Taye you have come a long way it is time you removed the shackels that bind you to this man.

Taye

I know he's not dead because i have had limited physical contact over the years........... Im not sure what else to say, i normal pretend he doens't exist it's easier to think about him that way, but the truth is he has alot more involvment in my life that i admit to.

He hospitalised me last time i tried to get him out of my life. im not sure what he'll do now he knows theres a new man in my life.

I had to have a very big converstation with my current bf at the weekend, because of the whole situation.. i always told him my ex was totally out of it it's always been hard lying but the truth was even harder, he took it well concidering but it's forced me to make some decision's.

I hate the way people look at you when they know the disbelief that a person would put up with such crap.

I know im weak and pathetic..

I don't want to fight him, i don't want to spend hours and hour's talking to people about it. Right now i have only one priority "i do not want him not to find me".

rach29

Taye, you are not weak or pathetic! You've been through some terrible stuff & made a life for yourself, you are a strong capable woman.

(Repeat to yourself when necessary)

Please have a look at the Refuge thread at the top of the forum & contact them for advice. I'm no expert but I think maybe you should consider moving out of your house & renting somewhere your SIL & MIL know nothing about & then starting divorce proceedings once you have moved.

Keep posting there's some great advice on here.

myrnahaz

Taye, you're neither weak nor pathetic. You've been badly bullied and are probably at the end of your tether - you sound completely worn down. Anyone who makes you feel you're weak and pathetic has never experienced the abuse you've had over the years.

I don't mean to add to your misery, but I think it's unlikely that you'll be able to hide from him, so you either fight him or you accept your new OH's offer and let him look after you. If things don't work out with your new OH (and he seems willing to take that risk) then just move on again - it'll give you some breathing space if nothing else.
And you definitely need to seek legal advice.

Izzy.

Taye wrote: »

I know he's not dead because i have had limited physical contact over the years........... Im not sure what else to say, i normal pretend he doens't exist it's easier to think about him that way, but the truth is he has alot more involvment in my life that i admit to.

Taye wrote: »

Im paying my Ex's debt because they where joint debt from when we were married (all bar 2 credit cards which are mine since he left somethings credit was the only way to feed us) he has quite litterally disappeared off the face of the planet... to the point that we couldn't even find him to serve divorce papers.

Unfortunatly creditors don't care as long as SOMEONE pays them, my name is on them as well as his.. they can't find him so they pester me. I've thought about trying to get him declared missing presumed dead, but i think the responsiblity for paying them would still end up on my doorstep as his "wife at the time", im sure he's somewhere chuckling away to himself about the whole world of debt he left me in... *sigh*

Taye have you actually seen him in the last seven years? You said last week that you thought about getting him declared missing presumed dead. If he has not been in contact before now it sounds as tho he is not interested. His mother and sister could be making the whole thing up too mess with your head. You should stay away from them and report any theft of your belongings to the Police to keep a record of everything that happens to you.

sarymclary

Taye,

contact refuge. You need to get away from the house, you need to get away from the sis in law & her prying eyes. If that means going into a safe house that's found by Refuge, then so be it. Once you are away from there, how could they realistically find you?

Get your post diverted via the Post Office, and I suggest you get it diverted to someone else's address, someone you can trust. Or, as I said before, look into getting a PO Box. I know things with Dave are very early days, but if he is offering you the chance to get your financial issues sorted, then accept an offer of a loan, that you insist you repay. I know you already have debt, but if you are looking to offload the rest of your debts along the way, then think of it as a form of Legal Aid (which is only a loan anyway, it's not free legal advice).

My ex tried to avoid the courts, he purposefully didn't work, he took all our cash assets and I never saw them again. Only so much is traceable, but he couldn't avoid the might of the legalities, and was threatened with imprisonment if he didn't submit his financial paperwork. It didn't come cheap for me, but I was prepared to take any £ out of the house in order to get everything sorted out.

What is abundantly clear from what you've said is that you need professional help, and support to resolve this problem. Your ex cannot hold on to you forever, despite his threats. It may be worthwhile considering removing some of your possessions slowly from the house, store them with a friend, or ask Dave if you can put some boxes in his garage for a few weeks, and then when you have to go, you can do it overnight, with the minimal of fuss. You can leave behind what you have to, and not have to go back to the house again (you can get the rest of your furniture removed by a removals firm).

I know you don't want Dave to be a charity, but if you see this as a business arrangement, just see him in part, as an 'agent' who is going to enable you to make the move away.

If you were hospitalised before, then you know your ex can mean business. You are obviously frightened of what he may do, and I hear that, and accept that. What you have to consider most of all is, that if he is antagonised by you not making a decisive decision, swiftly, he has time to plan, and if he were to do something unthinkable to you, what position does that place your sons in? They need you to protect them, as well as yourself.

Dave sounded like a good man, who albeit very eager, seemed to have his heart in the right place. If you're hoping to move on, with him, or not, then you have to be able to turn your back on your ex, move away physically, and emotionally, and stop the control he, and his family have on you. It sounds as though the SiL has cottoned onto the fact you can be bullied, and is doing so in her own way, in the knowledge that you won't report her theft to the police, because she might get your ex to come back.

You can get away, many women (and men) have done it before you, and that is why Refuge exists. Call them. They will understand. They will advise. They will support. They will offer you a way out.