Could he find me?

Taye

Izzy. wrote: »

Taye have you actually seen him in the last seven years? You said last week that you thought about getting him declared missing presumed dead. If he has not been in contact before now it sounds as tho he is not interested. His mother and sister could be making the whole thing up too mess with your head. You should stay away from them and report any theft of your belongings to the Police to keep a record of everything that happens to you.

Yes i've seen him...

The missing pressumed dead comment more more of a snip at the fact the legally no-one can seem to find him to make him responsible for his financial situation. Yet i know he is still very much alive and laughing at me.

I'm pretty ashamed that i've let it carry on for so long, everyone in the "real world" is told, by me that ....

1) im married he's very busy, works away everything is super!
or
2) im a single mum, don't know where he is, don't care.

Mostly I don't to try and explain the real situation to people, because i just can't face trying to explain the fact that i have an ex who comes in and out as he see's fit and im stupid enough just to let it happen.

People just wouldn't understand, everyone has good sound advice.. seek help, get out... unless you've been there you just can't know.. Thats why for the most part even on the fourm's till now i just pretended like he was totally gone. My experience is that people get bogged down with trying to help sometimes, the point of the post's tended to get lost with good advice from people who didn't quite understand that getting out isn't always that easy.

Stupid things like asking for advice on how to get "X Y and Z" done in a day.. would turn into converstations about why i could ask my partner to do it, or why was my partner being such a !!!, maybe i should sit down and explain to my partner that there simply weren't enough hours in the day. When really what i needed to know was exactly HOW to get X Y and Z done so i didn't get the living crap beaten out of me...to me the other stuff was totally irrelevent. People can tell you till they are blue in the face to get out but untill YOU decide to make that move none of it matters.

I've been reasonably lucky in that most of the time he is totally gone, he can be gone for months or even years at a time, when he shows up it's mostly just for a day or two.. sometimes a few weeks, i don't know where he comes from or where he lives when he's not with me mostly im just glad he's away.

littlemissmoney

Why on earth does SIL have a key to your house?? Change the locks TODAY!

RAS

Taye

Wish I could thank you many times for that very brave post.

I may not totally understand the situation but I fully understand how impossible it is for you to refuse to let him the the house and for him to get away with abusing you like that. There is a point when resistance becomes too risky, I have seen what happened to friends and I know OPs here have/have had similar issues.

In fact, in law there is nothing you can do to prevent him coming in the house whilst he owns it jointly, unless there is a court order restraining him.

So you have to get out. There is no financial gain in you staying.

Please ring the women's refuge help-line and please start slowly removing things of real importance from the house ; documents regarding the children, any sentimental items if you have time before you leave. I suggest you let SIL know that the new man is a disaster before you leave. Then keep things quiet for a while before you get together again.

You have talked to the police, have you told them the whole of it or just part?

Once you get to the refuge, then divorce him, take advice on bankruptcy, and allowing the house to be re-possessed. Then he become liable for the whole debt.

You will not get consumer credit in the future but you will be able to re-mortgage eventually.

Will post some links in a mo. Start here.

For free, confidential legal advice on:

• Domestic violence and abuse
• Harassment
• Divorce
• Children, contact and residence

Contact our women lawyers on: 020 7251 6577 (telephone) or 020 7490 2562 (textphone) on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, 2-4pm and 7-9pm and Fridays, 12noon-2pm.

Also ring the Refuge Help-line here 0808 2000 247 and look at http://www.refuge.org.uk/page_l1-2_l2-28_.htm

And please go and have a chat on the BR forum, people like fermi and Richard S can guide you through BR and repossession if that is what you decide to do.

bunty109

Taye, I have no experience of what you're going through, but I think RAS has posted good advice: you having to lose and everything to gain by going bankrupt. If your ex knows about Dave then there is a chance he could turn up to spoil things soon so maybe this is the time to act. I'm not saying do this for you and Dave, I'm saying do this for you...you deserve to be rid of this lowlife and there are people out there who can help you if you seek them out.

Good luck. I've got everything crossed for you xx

RAS

littlemissmoney wrote: »

Why on earth does SIL have a key to your house?? Change the locks TODAY!

Because Taye is being abused by the whole family in one way or another.

And because legally she cannot change the locks unless she lets OH have a key, and he can give one to SIL if he wants to. Nothing she can do to prevent it.

vuittondreamer

Taye wrote: »

tbh i don't want of care about the money, really all i care about now is his ability to find me.

The house is in neg equity and we are in alot of joint debt so the chances of him coming out of the woodwork to take on his share legally are less than none. I have tried the CSA route but he's not in the loop i belive he's working cash in hand type jobs to avoid the radar.

I have limited contact with him, in that occasionally he sends a letter via his sister, or a text via a anonomus texted web service just to let me know who i belong too. I am scared though he might not appear legally he might appear physically to re-claim what he belives is his and right now i'm only concerned that he'll find me or my kids hurt us to make me pay for trying to move on.

Im not sure just "how" important i am to him right now... i'd like to think he has better things to be occupid with. I do know he's a dangerous man with a horrible temper and i honestly wouldn't put anything past him, he just doens't think like normal people.

My new boyfriend wants me to move the kids schools, quit work basically disappear with him. Although an appealing option i've not really been in my current relationship for long, i don't want to become dependent on him or take advantage of him in case things don't work out i certainly can't have him paying solicitor fee's im already uncomfortable with the speed in which things are moving.

Right now i need to be more objective about the current relationship, i want it to work for the right reasons not because im beholden to him and feel guilty for his kindness.

You need to take legal advice, i think you may have a few options.
Ask the Mortgage company about taking Your Name off the Mortgage? If there's Neg equity in the house and it's repossessed they'll go after him? it worth asking what the procedures are to remove you alone? You can then walk away if the house is repossessed. worth asking.

You can divorce him immediately, you have been separated for more than 5 years, but if you kept letters, texts etc you can divorce him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour no quibble.

I am sure you have a lot more options than you think. you must talk to refuge, they are brilliant and will tell you the best way to get rid of this evil scum bag, Tall your SIL a pack of lies, keep everything to yourself, she doesn't need to know a thing.

JCS1

Taye,

I've read your posts over the past few weeks and you come across as a caring, loving mother and a very genuine person. You have also dealt with many horrors in the past and still have the cloud of your ex over you. You probably know deep down that you need to resolve the situation with your ex and your SIL. Only you will know when you are strong enough and ready to do that.

But after that, BR would be an option for you and would include any shortfall from the house assuming it is repossessed. Whilst people have varying views of BR, it is there to give you a fresh start - and from reading your posts there is no one more deserving of having that chance. Have a browse at the BR forum and see what you think. There are occasional trolls who appear, so please ignore those, but the regulars are a friendly bunch.

If you did decide on BR, you could ask the judge to withold your current address from being published (you ex's behaviour would be more than sufficient grounds), so please do not worry about that aspect.

RAS

taye

Do you have any joint bank accounts with your ex?

if so, can you open a new basic account (will not show up on your credit check) so that you have an escape account.

Taye

Thansk for the post guys, im out of the house right now..

My Oh did his usual knight in shinig armour routine decided i WAS leaving the house at the weekend, almost everything of a personal nature has gone, my SIL is aware that i have moved out and has informed me that he brother will be told though despite expecting some kind of text etc i havn't had anything off him yet, so if that means she hasn't gotten around to it yet or what i have no idea.

my current bf is happy for me to stay with him, tbh he was bugging me to move in before the bomb shell this just gave him the excuse he needed to make it happen, hes alittle over eager at the best of times. Not sure if it's a perminant move just yet it's abit early for it really but im just taking some time to make some decisions and he knows it's something i need to think about.

I understand what people are saying about the refuge and i really am listening to what people say but i've basically been in this relationship for my entire adult live and i've never spoken to anyone about it and although i've been though counciling for the domestic abuse years ago. first when i was still in the relationship full time and was being treated for post natal depression, then later when it broke up and my sil was trying to get the kids taken away from me on the grounds of being an unfit mother, ill be honest i pretty much lied my way though the sessions.

Right now Im just not ready/willing to face talking or dealing with this right now, maybe when it's over i will seek help but right now i can't and i don't want you to think im being stubborn but the last thing i want is to sit talking to solicitors, police etc etc about whats been going on.

I really can't go though the talking and explinations required to get this sorted out from a legal perspective.

sarymclary

Then do it in your own time, when you feel strong enough. You're right about needing to feel strong enough, and capable of going through this.

If Dave is going to feature in your future, then this is where you need to start accepting his help, and support. He doesn't need to be your knight in shining armour, necessarily, but we all need a bloody good friend once in a while, and he sounds like a friend to me, from what you've said. I wish I lived closer to you, because it sounds like you could do with a reliable, supportive, unprejudiced friend to be there for you, go along with you to meetings if you need them, without judging you, and wanting only the best for you.

If I hadn't had my BF to support me through the past few years I don't think I'd have remained even partially sane. Just knowing he's there to listen, even if he can't make it all better, and knowing I have his unconditional support was a revelation. He didn't necessarily understand the what/why/hows of what had gone on in my marriage, and the fallout from that was fairly catastrophic to me and my children. I've never felt he judged me though, despite feeling it was someone completely different who experienced it all, to the woman he sees me as now.

However, when you feel strong enough, do contact the agencies suggested, because this is going to be new territory for you and Dave, and they will be able to support you both along the way. Until then, enjoy your new surroundings, and be grateful to have had the opportunity to get away. Things happen for a reason, and I tend to believe that when things get really bad, often a way out or opportunity will come along soon enough; you just have to recognise when it's come along.

Take care.