Could he find me?

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

Thansk for the post guys, im out of the house right now..

My Oh did his usual knight in shinig armour routine decided i WAS leaving the house at the weekend, almost everything of a personal nature has gone, my SIL is aware that i have moved out and has informed me that he brother will be told though despite expecting some kind of text etc i havn't had anything off him yet, so if that means she hasn't gotten around to it yet or what i have no idea.

my current bf is happy for me to stay with him, tbh he was bugging me to move in before the bomb shell this just gave him the excuse he needed to make it happen, hes alittle over eager at the best of times. Not sure if it's a perminant move just yet it's abit early for it really but im just taking some time to make some decisions and he knows it's something i need to think about.

I understand what people are saying about the refuge and i really am listening to what people say but i've basically been in this relationship for my entire adult live and i've never spoken to anyone about it and although i've been though counciling for the domestic abuse years ago. first when i was still in the relationship full time and was being treated for post natal depression, then later when it broke up and my sil was trying to get the kids taken away from me on the grounds of being an unfit mother, ill be honest i pretty much lied my way though the sessions.

Right now Im just not ready/willing to face talking or dealing with this right now, maybe when it's over i will seek help but right now i can't and i don't want you to think im being stubborn but the last thing i want is to sit talking to solicitors, police etc etc about whats been going on.

I really can't go though the talking and explinations required to get this sorted out from a legal perspective.

Perhaps read this thread:
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=570247&highlight=bartgirl&page=14
so you have an idea of what options you could explore when the time's right....

RAS

Taye

If the current BF turns out fine, I will be really happy for you both.

But please read the links so you know your options if things go pear-shaped sometime when.

Also, please be aware that at the moment you are fully liable for all the joint debts from your old relationship( and any in your single name). If the house is repossessed it is really important that you know how to do this so that you do not become fully liable for the short-fall on the secured debt. It is possible to do this but you do need advice and MSE is free. The BR forum are your best source of judgement-free advice (other forums will provide it but expect to be flamed).

In the mean-time you have all my hopes and wishes.

RAS

RAS

Taye

Purely practical here, since you are leaving everything behind.

1. Get all the mail re-directed, to your new blokes of you want or a PO box number.

2. Did you take last meter readings on the gas and electric (and water if metered). let them and the phone company - if you have a land-line - know the meter readings and sort out final bills then your responsibility for all of them ends. Follow up in writing.

3. Did you turn off the electricity and gas?Also turn off the water and drain it; open the kitchen tap and leave it to drain. Ditto any central heating system. it may be Ok now but if the house is unoccupied in winter, it will prevent burst pipes.

4. Contact the Council re Council Tax and any benefits so you are no longer liable for CT at the old address. OH needs to let them know if he was claiming single persons rebate.

5. let the WTC and CTC people know what happened and end those claims. You or OH need to open new claims as a couple.

6. Cancel all the DDs for utilties and mortgage on your current bank account. If you owe money to your current bank for any reason other than an OD, then open a new account for the future (a basic one requires no credit check).

7. You have spoken to the domestic violence people but the flag is on your old address. Go speak to them again and let them know where you are currently living and the threat via SIL. Then if you do need to phone if anything kicks off, they know it is urgent.

best of luck.

Taye

I don't especially want to claim BR because i working in banking and i think it would effect my job / ability to get a new job in banking in the future.

Im abit confused but as far as i can tell the only "debt" causing a problem per say is the morgage. Im assuming my ex will have no-interest in the other debts therefore as long as i continue to make payment they should disappear when the balance is paid back in full? correct? ok i know it's not right that i pay them but it's not worth the hassle to try and make him liable for his share.

Essentially this leaves me with 2 outstanding problems (we have no joint accounts etc as my ex has never paid any of the bills, he did have a credit card in my name but i cancelled that yesterday) the 2 problem's being the divorce and the house.

If i seek divorce on grounds of seperation i shouldn't have to go into to many details, but will i have to prove it? and how can i do that? his name is still on bill's for the house even though i pay them?

Secondly the house, my inital thought is that im convinced he'll try and get access to me via the kids but that will mean he has to come out of hiding, If/when he appears can i somehow force sale of the house during the divorce proceedings? i can just continue to pay the morgage till then? (also the debts can they be split at the same time, if it is harder it's np but if it can be done easily then i might as well try)

Had some long talks with the new BF last night, he's willing to help me pay to get some of this sorted on my insistance that i pay him back at some point. Understandably he just wants things over with asap so we can start getting to know each other without the complications and im lucky in that he has the money to help.

Realistically though how much money am i looking at needing to get this mess sorted out with a solicitor?

Taye

RAS wrote: »

Taye

Purely practical here, since you are leaving everything behind.

1. Get all the mail re-directed, to your new blokes of you want or a PO box number. will do that today tar

2. Did you take last meter readings on the gas and electric (and water if metered). let them and the phone company - if you have a land-line - know the meter readings and sort out final bills then your responsibility for all of them ends. Follow up in writing. Can i just get these cut off? Im assuming bills in my name i can, but what about bills in joint name?

3. Did you turn off the electricity and gas?Also turn off the water and drain it; open the kitchen tap and leave it to drain. Ditto any central heating system. it may be Ok now but if the house is unoccupied in winter, it will prevent burst pipes. Tar will do

4. Contact the Council re Council Tax and any benefits so you are no longer liable for CT at the old address. OH needs to let them know if he was claiming single persons rebate.will do

5. let the WTC and CTC people know what happened and end those claims. You or OH need to open new claims as a couple. we won't get anything as a couple im pretty sure OH earn's more than the wage cap, but i will ring up to cancel mine today

6. Cancel all the DDs for utilties and mortgage on your current bank account. If you owe money to your current bank for any reason other than an OD, then open a new account for the future (a basic one requires no credit check). I don't have a joint account with my EX just one joint CC which i have paid off in full and closed, do i need to move still banks? if so why?

7. You have spoken to the domestic violence people but the flag is on your old address. Go speak to them again and let them know where you are currently living and the threat via SIL. Then if you do need to phone if anything kicks off, they know it is urgent. ok will do thanks

best of luck.

Ok i get all that, my only concern is joint bills and bills in my Ex's name i assume i can't cancel these?? also if i leave bills in his name but don't pay them can that affect me in any way? effect my credit rating etc? or have the company's chase me for money??

barnaby-bear

Taye wrote: »

I don't especially want to claim BR because i working in banking and i think it would effect my job / ability to get a new job in banking in the future.

Im abit confused but as far as i can tell the only "debt" causing a problem per say is the morgage. Im assuming my ex will have no-interest in the other debts therefore as long as i continue to make payment they should disappear when the balance is paid back in full? correct? ok i know it's not right that i pay them but it's not worth the hassle to try and make him liable for his share.

Essentially this leaves me with 2 outstanding problems (we have no joint accounts etc as my ex has never paid any of the bills, he did have a credit card in my name but i cancelled that yesterday) the 2 problem's being the divorce and the house.

If i seek divorce on grounds of seperation i shouldn't have to go into to many details, but will i have to prove it? and how can i do that? his name is still on bill's for the house even though i pay them?

Secondly the house, my inital thought is that im convinced he'll try and get access to me via the kids but that will mean he has to come out of hiding, If/when he appears can i somehow force sale of the house during the divorce proceedings? i can just continue to pay the morgage till then? (also the debts can they be split at the same time, if it is harder it's np but if it can be done easily then i might as well try)

Had some long talks with the new BF last night, he's willing to help me pay to get some of this sorted on my insistance that i pay him back at some point. Understandably he just wants things over with asap so we can start getting to know each other without the complications and im lucky in that he has the money to help.

Realistically though how much money am i looking at needing to get this mess sorted out with a solicitor?

People move in and out of rented all the time; I've lived in shared houses where we've changed the name on the bills every few months. Just phone up and say - ex doesn't live here I pay the bills, as long as someone owning up to responsibility they don't care. I've changed bills into my name without knowing who lived in places previously..... just phone them up and tell them he's gone you're taking on the bills.

zzzLazyDaisy

Anyway, does it matter? If the bills are in his name, they are his responsibility. Let them chase him.

Re the divorce - if you file for divorce on the grounds of 5 years separation, you don't need to prove it. You just need to state when he moved out, if there have been any temporary periods of reconcilliation, when they were and how long they lasted - this does not start the five years running again, it just means that the periods when he wqas absent must add up to more than five years.

You will need to swear an affidavit (a statement sworn under oath). It is not unusual to not know where an absent ex is in a divorce after 5 years separation, and your solicitor will know how to get round this.

In theory he could contest the divorce but it is extremely unlikely unless he is VERY wealthy. There is no legal aid to contest a divorce, and it costs thousands of pounds. On a more practical note, in order to contest the divorce he would have to give the court and your solicitor personal details such as an address for service etc, which leaves him open to a CSA claim, and so on.

Also the court has the power to transfer the house into your sole name, without his agreement or signature, if that is what you want.

Please do go and see a solicitor and just talk over your options.

xxx

Izzy.

taye my advise is to speak to a solictor to find out were you stand pronto, start divorce procedings and get on to refuge. If what you are saying is true you need to put this marriage behind you and move forward with your kids to a new life.

You have done lots of posts tellling us about your life in minute detail. Now it turns out you were for whatever reason being erm economical with the truth. You are telling us a totally diferent story now. Is it the truth this time cos if its not there is no point in the good people who posted in your threads trying to help you again.

Taye

Izzy. wrote: »

taye my advise is to speak to a solictor to find out were you stand pronto, start divorce procedings and get on to refuge. If what you are saying is true you need to put this marriage behind you and move forward with your kids to a new life.

You have done lots of posts tellling us about your life in minute detail. Now it turns out you were for whatever reason being erm economical with the truth. You are telling us a totally diferent story now. Is it the truth this time cos if its not there is no point in the good people who posted in your threads trying to help you again.

You right, something that has struck me in the past few days is that if i were to die tommorrow there is no-one who really know's who or what i am. i lie on such a daily basis to hide various element of everything i do and what i am that it's normal, im not even sure i know any more. Im sure my funeral would be a very odd affair, everyone with a different picture of who they are saying goodbye too yet not one single person saying good bye to the real me.

I've never hidden things for fun at least i don't think so, sometimes a lie is easier to face than the truth sometimes if you say a lie often enough you belive it yourself if only for a little while. I really want my life to start again i want to be real me without the shame to be able to lift my head and know i am i good person... but i don't know who i am .. i dont know where to start.

Izzy.

Taye wrote: »

You right, something that has struck me in the past few days is that if i were to die tommorrow there is no-one who really know's who or what i am. i lie on such a daily basis to hide various element of everything i do and what i am that it's normal, im not even sure i know any more. Im sure my funeral would be a very odd affair, everyone with a different picture of who they are saying goodbye too yet not one single person saying good bye to the real me.

I've never hidden things for fun at least i don't think so, sometimes a lie is easier to face than the truth sometimes if you say a lie often enough you belive it yourself if only for a little while. I really want my life to start again i want to be real me without the shame to be able to lift my head and know i am i good person... but i don't know who i am .. i dont know where to start.

taye hun, thanks for youre honesty. Start by being honest with yourself, you know deep down that lieing is not the way to go and you end up tied up in nots. Youre other log in got flamed for lieing cos it didnt add up and they said you had mental probs. Dont let that happen again. If youre honest on here you will get help from all sorts and good advise too. Start by telling Dave everything warts n all. Then go and get profesional help from a solicitor and refuge to get rid of your husband once an for all so you and your kids can start living a normal life like everyone else. Then you wont have to lie anymore.