Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Aww,

Thanks for all your comments about the cat.

He was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, and put on tablets at the end of Jan. However, despite him eating like a horse, and upping his dosage, he continued to lose weight. Then very suddenly two weeks ago, he stopped eating, and was disappearing off. Usually, he likes to spend time with us, but he just didn’t want to know.

Anyway, that’s when I took him to the Vets, and his weight had dropped to less than 2 kilos. The put him on a drip, as he was dehydrated, and a special diet. They have domne x-rays, ultrasound, blood work, urine analysis… but they still don’t know what is wrong with him. They now want to do an endoscopy, as they think it is gastrointestinal, but he needs to be stronger to be able to cope with a general (last time, he was so weak that the premed flattened him, and no further anaesthetic was necessary!

So he came home with a plethora of meds, and special food. He is going back tomorrow evening so that they can assess his condition.

If it turns out to be cancer of the lining of the colon, then the vets are advising that we don’t treat him, other than make him comfortable for as long as possible. This is because he has got so many things wrong with him. So sad, he is a lovely little thing, and has been so brave and co-operative. OH is coming round to see him tonight.

That last statement has a lot of irony, as DD1 is ill today, and off school. I rang OH to see if he could have her at his flat, and his reply was “I am going out today”. He didn’t even ask what was wrong with her! I know he doesn’t like speaking to me, but it was about his daughter. He was a rubbish husband, and he is turning into a rubbish father!

My life just seems to go from one crisis to the next! Hope DD1 gets better soon. My Mum is going round this morning, and I said I will go home this pm if she wants me to.

But, I am loads happier generally, I feel much more peaceful (even with all of the above).

vandanfc

Keep going J. Hope DD1 is better soon. I doubt they will get to the bottom of what is wrong with the cat without a lot of investigations that will no doubt be painful for it and your pocket - I think there is a time when no matter how much we love them, we have to know when to let go - especially for their sakes. It is so hard I know - we moved to scotland with 6 cats about 5 and half years ago, we now have just 2.

Hugs Vanda

julliff

[QUOTEIf he is, are you sure you want to risk your daughter going off abroad with him? Do you feel he's really responsible enough to take care of her if he's been drinking and they end up being stranded somewhere in an extended situation of the volcanic ash crisis?][/QUOTE]


I understand where you are coming from, and I would feel exactly the same, if it weren't for the fact that OH is going with a couple of friends, who I know well. The man is really nice, drinks very little, and is very sensible, and the woman is also lovely, and very mumsy (she would not thank mme for saying that, I'm sure).


Whilst I don't trust OH to look after DD2 properly, I do trust this couple, and they will also be a controlling influence on OH.

They are going on Eurostar, so OH (and DD2) is being driven by them.

Primrose

julliff - so sorry about your cat. You could have been describing exactly what happened to our dear little creature. Sadly his problem turned out to be cancer and when I saw how he was fading away I took the heartbreaking decision to let him go, rather than suffer.

Any chance you could work from home, or don't you do that kind of job? It must be a worry getting your girls cared for when they're sick. Your mum sounds a gem. Hopefully the sickness will soon pass. Yes, your ex is now proving his lack of worth as a husband and a father. But his behaviour is proving to you that you've made the right decision.

julliff

Hi all

Thanks for your concern.

I am so angry at the moment. Got a text at 3.45pm saying "dad is here". He will have done that on puropse.

When I got home, he is cosily in the front room watching telly, like he still owns the place. Worse than that, there was a power tool in the hall. I asked DD2 why it was there, and she replied "Dad got it out of the loft - it is Tonys,and he needs to give it back". How dare he just go into MY loft without my permission.

I am so angry, I just want to move house. But, I know this is a knee jerk reaction,and I will have to deal with this somehow. Wish he would go.
Cat seemed pleased to see him anyway.

DD1 seems better now thank you

Brighton_belle

Juliffe - I am very angry on your behalf too. I have no great suggestions on how to handle his but I know others will, as well as you will find a definite way. This is very clever, calculated manipulative behaviour -but you don't need me to tell you that.
A gross invationof your privacy dressed up as wanting to see his children.

JoW123

Hi Juliff,

I went through this with my partner. I was very uncomfortable with him being in my house even though I was around after we had seperated especially as he would wander upstairs to talk to me and sit on the bed:eek:.

It slowly became less and less though and the last time he came here in January for DD birthday he was obviously uncomfortable and hasn't been since. I found out it was because he had met someone else!

I think you may have to put up with it for a while as your DD want to see him, as I'm sure it will get less frequent, and they are also still adjusting. I would however set a date for everything that he thinks he owns or belongs to friends to be removed from your house otherwise you will class it as your property and make it clear to him that he will not be able to take it. My ex constantly pushed boundaries because he was used to manipulating me. After 7 months I find it much easier to be strong and say NO when he is being unreasonable.

noapron

I sort of agree with Irr but I do see that if you just gave him responsibility, made him remember his pin etc. he would probably still want to mess about on eBay and ruin any hope you have about keeping your head above water. Assuming he isn't ill - is he depressed - I mean has he been to the doctor if he feels so hopeless about getting a job?

The thing is although unemployment is not a problem in our household, if don't do the accounts, well dh probably wouldn't. However, I do pin him down on a regular basis, tell him what we are living on that month, what extra expenses we might have (e.g. school trip to pay for), what savings I'm putting away i.e. I give him all the info about the account. I tell him for example, if there is say a large bill going out near the end of the month so to please not treat the cashpoint like some magic money provider at that time. He's not childish about money, but I find it useful to give him a full picture. Frankly he quite often does not have time to do his work expenses regularly, so to be fair I doubt he'd bother that much with household ones. I also make a point of getting him to go to the supermarket because as we all know, food has to be provided and it's best to avoid total rubbish!
Perhaps if you sat your husband down with a list of how your money is spent, and then gave him say the job of budgeting for food for that week with a set figure. something for him to think about instead of buying stuff on eBay, the penny might drop. He might realise even a small job might earn enough to feed you both or pay the rates or something. I've no doubt it'll be hard work for you though. And answer to the question in your title, no your not controlling, you're trying to exercise common sense.

MrsBartolozzi

noapron wrote: »

I sort of agree with Irr but I do see that if you just gave him responsibility, made him remember his pin etc. he would probably still want to mess about on eBay and ruin any hope you have about keeping your head above water. Assuming he isn't ill - is he depressed - I mean has he been to the doctor if he feels so hopeless about getting a job?

The thing is although unemployment is not a problem in our household, if don't do the accounts, well dh probably wouldn't. However, I do pin him down on a regular basis, tell him what we are living on that month, what extra expenses we might have (e.g. school trip to pay for), what savings I'm putting away i.e. I give him all the info about the account. I tell him for example, if there is say a large bill going out near the end of the month so to please not treat the cashpoint like some magic money provider at that time. He's not childish about money, but I find it useful to give him a full picture. Frankly he quite often does not have time to do his work expenses regularly, so to be fair I doubt he'd bother that much with household ones. I also make a point of getting him to go to the supermarket because as we all know, food has to be provided and it's best to avoid total rubbish!
Perhaps if you sat your husband down with a list of how your money is spent, and then gave him say the job of budgeting for food for that week with a set figure. something for him to think about instead of buying stuff on eBay, the penny might drop. He might realise even a small job might earn enough to feed you both or pay the rates or something. I've no doubt it'll be hard work for you though. And answer to the question in your title, no your not controlling, you're trying to exercise common sense.

I think you've not read all the thread, since you mention lrr who only posted once in this thread, last June. The OP and her OH have now split up so things are different now.

Emmzi

"I am glad when your dad wants to see you, as long as you want it too.

But me and your dad don't love each other any more.

For me, it's like inviting a stranger into our house. I will support him where I can because he's your dad and you care about him, but I am not at all comfortable with him being in our house - my home - when I am not here.

If this happens again, please tell him that I - not you - do not want him there when I am not home. You can be very clear that this is my decision. I have also told him this is my decision, and how I feel.

I know it is difficult for you, but it is difficult for me too. You are old enough to unerstand that this is my home, my safe place; and I need to be able to choose who comes into it."