Am I too controlling over money?

Arthurian

Happy birthday, Juliff! Every year is going to seem better now.

SazM030306

Happy Birthday Juliff! Another silent onlooker here You've come so very far, well done you
xxx

msb5262

Rather late in the day but I've just made it before midnight -
HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND CONGRATULATIONS!
Well done for all you've achieved, Juliff.
I hope you feel proud of yourself.
Everyone who has followed your journey feels proud and happy to see how far you've come.
You are a great role model to your daughters - you tried with every ounce to make the marriage work, and in the process of separating and moving towards divorce, you have been calm, patient and more than generous.
Now you are making your own decisions and supporting your daughters independently, without their having to see you crushed by their father's deeply unreasonable behaviour. They will honestly benefit from the fact that you are now living separately.
Here's to the next year - good luck to you all.
with love
MsB x

vandanfc

Belated Happy Birthday J. Hope you had a lovely day with your family.

Thanks for the update. Roll on the absolute. Stay strong, you are doing brilliantly.

Vanda x

julliff

aww,thanks guys - how lovely are you lot?

This evening has been a bit rubbish really.

DD1 came into me crying becuse she had fallen out with her best friend. I think it is small potaotoes and will blow over quickly (they have been best friends for about 10 years).

However, DD1 announced that she wanted to go to her Dads. I happened to know thathe is out tonight, but suggested she rang him. Which she did. Afterwards she kept saying how she was so unhappy because she missed her Dad. I told her she should try to get up to see him more - it is not a problem for me. I have to admit to being a bit confused, as she does not express a wish to see him that often. One day, I even offered to drop the kids off at his while went shopping, but they both said no.

Anyway, DD1 arranged to go and stay at his place a week Saturday.

I must admit to feeling a bit bitter, mainly because I also found out today that when he said he was going out when DD1 was off school ill, it was to go to a snooker club, with his drinking buddy.

Anyway, coversation went on, and DD1 asked me what I would do if I won £1 million. I said I would pay off mortgage as number one. She asked me how much it is, so I told her. She was shocked. She then asked me how much it was at the start, so I told her that as well. Of course she then wanted to know why it is so much more, so I said, that I had to pay her Dad 50% of what the house is worth now, as well as 50% of the savings. I could cut my tongue out now!! I also said, "That is why I have to work so hard".

DD2 is off to France with X tomorrow. She is not going to school. She told me that X is coming over to our house at 12.30, and his friends would be at ours at 1! What a cheek! Luckily, I have asked my Mum if she will be here in the morning to see DD2 off (I will be at work). Once again, not so much as a "Is it OK" to me from him.

Sorry to rant. I know that I have to accept that these things are going to happen, and not to let them get under my skin.

On the plus side, DD1 was sweet with me, and we talked about her Dad without her becoming hostile.

msb5262

Hello again Juliff,
Stop it already with the self-criticism!
I don't see why you shouldn't tell your DD the truth about what has happened - she should know.
You don't need to protect your ex by lying to the children; that is neither fair nor appropriate.
Glad you had an honest and calm conversation with her.
Keep on keeping on...
love from MsB x

January20

Juliff I just want to give you my opinion regarding how to deal with kids asking questions about finances because I have experience in this with my own dd, and I agree with msb5262. If you dd1 asks questions, answer them. She is old enough to understand and she should be able to make her mind up about things with the correct information. Now, if your X claims poverty, at least she will know that you gave him his share.

It helps kids understand why their parent(s) act the way they do. The icing on the cake for me was when my dd looked at my CSA statement and said: "is that all he gives you?" I've always been open with her, because her dad has lots of money... or rather spends like he has lots I didn't want her to think I was stingy!

Primrose

julliff - I absolutely agree with msb that you shouldn't feel you should have to bite your tongue out when explaining your finances to your daughter. You have told her nothing less than the truth and it is right that she should understand what the situation is. She has to make her own mind up about her father and his behaviour to his family. It's probably natural that she's missing him - maybe it more that she's missing the reassurance from him that she still matters in his life, and only he can provide that by the way he behaves towards her. It's a sadness as reality is slowly dawning on her that she's not the major priority in his life that children automatically assume their parents provide. She hasn't been exposed to to his years of boorish behaviour in the same way that you have, so it's probably taking her longer to get used to the new environment she's living in. These moods will come and go and slowly she will adjust and start to get on with her own life.

Brighton_belle

Juliffe - what is great is that you and DD1 talked about her dad without her becoming hostile this is a great result. I also agree with the others - she asked questions. You answered truthfully and I think that was absolutley the right thing to do. At some point when he pleads povety due to you, she'll already know the truth. You didn't run him down, you just answered a factual question with facts.

And as others have said - it is only natural that her sadness will come out sometimes; and because you are a great mum, you are making it ok for her to express that sadness. She isn't having to protect you.

julliff

Hi all

I just wanted to say that I had my Absolute this week.

No champagne corks, no fireworks - just a feeling of relief and also sadness that my marriage came to be so unbearable. Nobody gets married imagining such an end.

Very strange to think that I am actually single again. Still onwards and upwards. I am thinking about starting a MFW diary - I want to get my bigger and longer mortgage paid off as soon as I can.

I also have to admit that I find the forums so theraputic - I don't feel so alone and overburdened with responsibility when I come here.

Thank you all