Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hey all

thanks for all of the support over that last year!! (Sometimes I go back and read what was happening on this day a year ago, makes me realise that I made the right choices. I can remember all the emotions with which I wrote).

Anyway,new chapter, I am keeping a MFW diary.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/33712049#Comment_33712049

Oh yes, and thanks for the belated birthday greetings Carlos!

Take care y'all!

JoKay_2

Hi Julliff - just wanted to pop by to say I've followed your thread from Day One and am so pleased that you've sorted your situation out, and are clearly a much stronger person today than the one we first met a year ago!

I'm going to unsubscribe from here, and watch your MFW journey with interest - every best wish to you!! :beer:

January20

julliff wrote: »

Hey all

thanks for all of the support over that last year!! (Sometimes I go back and read what was happening on this day a year ago, makes me realise that I made the right choices. I can remember all the emotions with which I wrote).

Anyway,new chapter, I am keeping a MFW diary.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/33712049#Comment_33712049

Oh yes, and thanks for the belated birthday greetings Carlos!

Take care y'all!

A whole year! This is amazing! When I posted on 9/06/09, I really didn't expect that, a year on, I would have subscribed to your thread and would be waiting eagerly for your posts to see how you are getting on with your new life.

You have done so well! :T:T

Off to check out your MFW diary

InaPickle

Crikey...a whole twelve months! :eek:

It's amazing to see what can happen in just one year, and I'm glad that you are in a better position this year than you were this time last year.

Here's to your new diary...I've subscribed and look forward to seeing you bust your mortgage debt!

Best of luck for a happy mortgage-free future, Juliff. x

chevalier

I can only echo what others have said wow! I have read the whole thread over the last few days, and I was praying at the beginning that you divorced him in the end. What a journey you have been on in a year.

No you weren't controlling with money, if you had left him to it, you would probably have been bankrupt....

I am sure that he will continue to make dramas in your life if you let him. But that is the key don't let him....

As for your DD's. They have to achieve their own balance as well as you. It may take some time, but they will get there in the end
chev

ps now off to read the mfw thread. Good luck with that

julliff

Hello chevalier

thank you for your kind words. I have not been on this site for a while, as I became paranoid that my daughters would find it!

yes,my ex continues to throw money around - getting taxis, spending thousands (literally) on ebay. As far as I know the only work he has done is a few "casual" days helping with removals.

Spends money on the kids when he sees them. On the one hand, I think he should,as he conrtibutes nothig to their upkeep, but on the other hand, it makes me silently seethe when the girls go on about how generous their Dad is! As they say, discreation is the better part of valour, so I just say nothing.

Back from our hols yesterday, and I did enjoy myself, but part of me was sad that I had no adult to share it with. BUT, I know that my ex was never going to fulfil my fantasy of a loving, respectful partnership, so I was just sad that I wasted my life on him, and ended up alone!
(not withstanding my girls, but they are fast making their own lives, which is how it should be).

I have been reading some of the other threads on this forum, and feel so sad for those who are suffereing relationship breakdown, whatever the circumstances. It is never an easy time, I'm sure.

Dinah93

You haven't ended up alone hon, your prince is out there you just had to kiss a frog first.

January20

julliff wrote: »

Hello chevalier

thank you for your kind words. I have not been on this site for a while, as I became paranoid that my daughters would find it!

yes,my ex continues to throw money around - getting taxis, spending thousands (literally) on ebay. As far as I know the only work he has done is a few "casual" days helping with removals.

Spends money on the kids when he sees them. On the one hand, I think he should,as he conrtibutes nothig to their upkeep, but on the other hand, it makes me silently seethe when the girls go on about how generous their Dad is! As they say, discreation is the better part of valour, so I just say nothing.

Back from our hols yesterday, and I did enjoy myself, but part of me was sad that I had no adult to share it with. BUT, I know that my ex was never going to fulfil my fantasy of a loving, respectful partnership, so I was just sad that I wasted my life on him, and ended up alone!
(not withstanding my girls, but they are fast making their own lives, which is how it should be).

I have been reading some of the other threads on this forum, and feel so sad for those who are suffereing relationship breakdown, whatever the circumstances. It is never an easy time, I'm sure.

It's hard at first. I remember I couldn't go into the town centre on a Saturday to do some shopping because I felt everybody was in a couple and I was the only one of my own. I felt everybody was looking at me and pitying me!! How ridiculous that was???

Remember, it is still early days, your feelings are still quite raw and you have what seems to be a particularly manipulative ex. What will happen when his money runs out? which it will. We'll see how generous he appears then!

You haven't wasted your life on him. You have perhaps wasted a number of years but that was only because you didn't want to give up too easily, because you tried for his sake and for your daughters's sakes too.

I promise you it will get better because you are a strong, independant and intelligent woman, and in time your daughters will realise that and admire you for it (even if they never say it )

ETA: have you got friends (apart from us on here ? My friends saved me and I have such a great social life now. Get a babysitter and go out for a little while with a friend. It will do you the world of good

Primrose

julliff - well, you may be without an adult partner at the moment, but perhaps in some ways for a while that is no bad thing as it is giving you the mental space to re-evaluate your life and build up a mental picture of the kind of person and the characteristics you might be looking for if and when you're ready to move on. You, meanwhile, are continuing to set your financial life in order while your Ex runs steadily downhill to the point where he will almost certainly eventually end up with nothing.
It must make you clench your teeth that your Ex makes a big show of spending money on the children, but when you feel your children are old enough to understand the elements of finance, showing them exactly how must it is costing you to feed & clothe them and keep a roof over their heads (without any financial support from your Ex) might help to balance the moral books a little.

julliff

hello all,

thanks for all of the messages.

I spent a lot of time on holiday looking back at my life, and came to the realisation that my personality is flawed.

I have been married twice. My first X used to make me wear t-shirts under all my blouses, and told me that I should destroy all photos of myself from age 18 onwards. His view of women was there were: Mother, virgins and wh*res. Since I was not in the first two categories, I must be in the third. Stupidly, I complied, and felt so unworthy. Then after 18 months of marriage, he cheated on me in a most vile way.

When I met X no 2 he seemed so different. But over the years he became more and more of a controlling bully.

So, my conclusion is that I am an enabler. When I am alone I am fine - independent etc. When I am with someone I lose all sense of self. This is probably why I find DD1's teenage behaviour so difficult, I suppose I am afraid of rejection by someone I love.

My Dad was also a bully.

I should probably stay on my own, as I may be the toxic party here. Sigh!