Am I too controlling over money?

GSXRCarlos

Hey Julliff

Glad to hear things seem to be going ok

I suggest you let the dust settle for a couple of week, the girls will ask if they want to see their dad and he'll ask if he wants to see them.

After this couple of weeks though i suggest that you have a sit down with the girls and ask them how often they'd like to see their dad.

If they say every week then maybe you can arrange a night where they see him (say on a tuesday) that'll give you some time to yourself too.

Treat him like you would have done with nanna and grandad ie getting him to 'babysit' just at his house

Good luck

Primrose

It's good that things are settling down julliff. It still probably feels a little new and strange after all your recent upheavals.

I think you were right not to allow your Ex to be present at a baking session in your house. In time, you may even want to develope a new male friendship or relationship and you certainly wouldn't want your Ex having free access to your private space and poking around your private cupboards, etc. in your absence.

I think that over time the girls will now increasingly start to centre their social activities around your house rather than their Dad's and this will punctuate the regularity of their visits to him. It's early days yet and as the dust continues to settle, it's probably best to let them take the initiative here. Your X doesn't sound as if generally he was the driving force in getting things organised. He may soon start to realise that his laisser faire attitude generally is catching up with him as far as his relationship with the girls are concerned.

I've forgotten how old you said your girls were, but probably still just a little too young to be cooking alone? - although perhaps occasionally a little loosening of the supervision when they're in their own home and not doing anything dangerous with gas or electricity might help give them a little more self confidence and independence.

MrsAnnie

:j I am so pleased to hear that home life is becoming normal; that the stress of going home each day is no longer present.


Just wait till your DDs or ex bring up the subject of visitation. You don't want to fall into the habit of being the go-between, and have everybody think its still up to you to keep everything running smoothly. Step back and allow your ex build his own relationship with your DDs. He may not come up to your expections but he needs to find his own place in their lives.

vandanfc

Good to hear from you J. Thanks for the update.

julliff

Hi All,

Thanks for all of your encouraging comments.

X rang DD2 on Thursday evening, but no invitation was forthcoming. On Friday night, DD2 asked about going to her Dads, so I said of course she could, and if she made the arrangements with her Dad, I would drop her off and pick her up. So she rang X and it was arranged that they go over on Sunday at 3, and I would collect them at 8pm.

When we arrived, X was looking a bit ropey. DD1 said “How much did you drink last night” He replied “Probably too much". I also saw that he had an open beer on the worktop. He said he was taking them out for dinner (to a pub!). I have to say I felt a bit concerned. Anyway, I left them there.

I then got a text from DD2 asking if I could pick them up, at 7.10pm. When I got there, DD2 was at the front door, and told me they wanted to come home as X was asleep!

What a shame that he cannot step up to the mark, and make his kids feel like they are more important than beer.

Or am I being unreasonable in thinking that?

Barny1979

Not unreasonable at all, he will ultimately push them away and they will be glad that they stayed with Mum and you will be shown in your true light, not as the wicked Mum who 'forced' her husband out.

InaPickle

It's nice that you are still keeping us updated: maybe it's really 'hitting home' with X now, and this is how he is trying to cope with it. Maybe he will sort himself out after a brief period of drinking, as he'll realise that he has no choice. It's not great for the girls in the interim, though...

Chin up: at least YOU are doing things right!

Primrose

julliff - this is a disappointing start to your X's new life but I suspect this is probably the lack of his self-discipline that you'd been so frustratedly battling with for a long time, Perhaps what you're seeing now is how it really has been without your moderating influence on him.
Like you, I'd be a little concerned about him taking the girls out to lunch at a pub when he could have made the effort to cook them a meal at home, which apart from anything else would have been cheaper in his now unemployed circumstances. He's still not learning economy on that front, is he?

Maybe you need to have a word with him that it's unacceptable for him to be in sole charge of minors when he's under the influence of alcohol. It's dangerous. How would he cope if an accident happened to one of them. Ask the girls how they feel about that and if they're worried or unhappy about it tell them they have the right to refuse to stay there in those circumstances.
Thank goodness that he's now out of your home and at least there you can maintain and calm and stable environment for the girls.

bertiebots

Hi Jullif , hope you are ok. The way your x is behaving doesnt really come as a suprise tbh ...never really stepped up to the mark did he?.
You have nothing what-so-ever to feel unreasonable about. He is the one being unreasonable and being drunk when supposed to be taking care of your dd's is something he needs to accept is not on!.
Gather your strength and talk to him regarding these sorts of arrangments. You've got this far and the conversation needs to be had...just my opinion of course but caring for the girls welfare (as you obviously do) needs to be a priority and he needs to be told.

dktreesea

Hi Julliff,

Sorry to hear your X is drinking a lot. He sounds depressed. Give him time. It's hard to go from living with three other people to living alone.