Am I too controlling over money?

Caroline73_2

He can't have that cupboard anymore than he can come and take out the bath or the kitchen units.

Well done Juliff - you have done the hardest part. If Stbx (do we need to change that again now?) does have programmes onthe hard drive, record them onto a DVD/video and send them to him via the girls, then delete everything on the hard drive - it will be a therapeutic cleanse!

Money_maker

Sorry I sounded harsh, Juliff. DD was dismantling house as I typed!

joflo_2

Sky programs can be wiped? or can they be written to a CD, if so then perhaps if your DD's want to they can record them to be see at his flat. They do still have a relationship with him, it just needs redefining. You still have a way to go before things settle, and boundaries need to be set now before new habits start, like popping over for things he forgot or to see the children.

Perhaps discuss a schedule for them to visit him now to start the ball rolling, whilst having your keys back would help, I do hope you got them now.

Best Wishes

InaPickle

Juliff, it's a bit much that he is coming back for this and that etc. Now it's totally up to you what you do, but the fact that he wants to come back for X, Y, and Z after taking far too much stuff with him in the first place sounds a bit much. Why don't you ask him for that stuff he took in the first place that he ought not to have taken? Why is he still getting his own way, even though that was supposed to have stopped on Friday?

Best of luck.

vandanfc

J STOP THE GUILT.

It is the behaviour of your ex that has led to him moving out, NOT anything you have done. Remember all the attempts at keeping the peace you had made over the years, what did he do ? The only things I recall him doing are spending your money on rubbish, ebay, going out with his mates (again spending your money) lounging around watching tv all day and *** all else. Do you really feel guilty for getting rid of such a selfish person, who always put himself first even before his own children ??

GSXRCarlos

Julliff,

I really wish i knew you personally, this guys has caused you so many problems over the years, and he's still able to do it even now.

The girls will see through him eventually, you just have to be there to provide the stable home for them and they will eventually see what you see in him - it's a shame, i know, but this will be his doing not yours.

As for small tools and your stuff etc - write them off. You really shouldn't have to, but you need to do it for you.

You can buy cheap tools from argos etc, you can borrow them from friends, you can always get new cds, or start downloading a whole new set of music from the internet (use this as personal time for you, and enjoy it with some wine when the kids are out or at your mums)

Sky +, you can offer that the girls record it to tape or dvd for him (if you have the facility) but you need to politely suggest to them that he'll have his own tv and sky + (or other readily avaiable equivilant - lol) soon, so can watch what he wants when he wants

And keys, you need to very politely, but very firmly let the girls know that this is no longer his home, you need them to be safe, and wouldn't want him, or anyone else walking in at any hour - explain to them what might happen if he came in in the middle of the night etc, and that you won't have keys to his house.

Above all else, just keep doing what you're doing, you've been an inspiration to a lot of people, and it's certainly something i'm going to think about in my future relationships - so thank you for that too

windowwindow

I’m another lurker that has been following you for months. I am so relieved for you that he is gone. I also know that the road ahead will not be easy, but you have shown you have the strength to deal with it, and that you are a great parent to your two daughters.

I’d really like you to stop and take stock of your life right now. You have been living with an oppressive bully for many years, who has controlled what you did, and even what you thought with his behaviour.

I don’t think you have even yet felt the relief that will come from having him out of your house. Its now your home, where you can relax, do whatever you want. I hope every day that it becomes more of a place to look forward to going home to – because you haven’t felt like that for a long time have you?

And if you don’t have the energy or money to do the DIY at the moment – so what! Sit on your backside, watch trashy TV and relax. Your only concern is your daughters.

You are all going through a huge change. Your daughters will be finding this very hard as you know, and hey they are teenagers so life will seem tough anyway. They will use your seperation against you when they are angry and just when they feel like it – that’s what kids do. You have already shown you are being a great parent to them.

My advice you you is:
· Try and appreciate now the positive changes that are happening in your life – your life is slowly getting MUCH better, despite the feelings you are having. A more relaxed mindset about your living situation will help you get through the further challenges you will face over the next few months
· Focus on being a good role model for your daughters and supporting them through this (I know you are already – just keep going). Try and remember that any anger they are showing at you is not about you – its about the situation, and sometimes not even that!
· Try and build a curteous relationship with your ex. He will still try and use you, emotionally blackmail you and make you feel guilty but try and stay out of that. Try and talk to him and agree (or tell him!) some rules for bringing up your daughters together. Your daughters will thank you in the future for trying to be civil to him even if I fear he isn’t going to meet you halfway on this.

I bet there are lots of support networks (in addition to us) that will have advice on how to try and build a constructive relationship with your loser ex. I know you will try and do this for your kids sake. It doesn't have to be a great friendly relationship, but you need to communicate because of your daughters, and so the better the relationship the better.

(PS despite the fact I think my comments are evenhanded I’m glad I don’t know where you live cause I’d like to box your ex…)

PPS I find yoga is great for stress – you should give it a go…

Just keep going Juliff, you can do it. Think of how much better things will be by this time next year...

WW.

julliff

Thanks to you all. I agree, it was becoming farcical!

So, I had decided that I was not going to post again until I had something positive to say.

WindowWindow, I agree wholeheartedly.

Last night I did indeed veg out in front of the TV with DD1, we watched 3 episodes of supernatural back to back!

Anyway, things do seem to be a lot calmer now.

Yesterday morning DD1 woke up feeling ill, so I rang X and asked if he could have her, and he said yes. I dropped her over, and she was happy to spend the day there. He is slowly getting his flat sorted out. When I got in from work I asked DD2 if she wanted to spend some time at her Dads, in which case I would drop her off, and return later. She said, “Well, not if I have to have my dinner there”. (He tends not to give them any healthy food, and she is health conscious). So we went up to get DD1. X offered me a coffee, and I accepted, so that DD2 could see her Dad for a little bit. Then we left and came home, and I made them dinner. (X got me to drop him off at the shops which were on the way – old habits, but as you say, we need to be courteous, and it was on the way).

Everyone seemed happy.

I am enjoying the peace at home.

I also took the opportunity to speak to DD2 about the house, and explained to her that she will see her Dad at her Dads, and me at home. Maybe, sometime in the future, I may invite X over for Sunday dinner, but that is a way off yet (didn’t mention this to DD2). So hopefully, things will be clearer on that level.

I also think DD1 is actually happier, although she would not admit that. She has been lovely.

I know there will be rough patches along the way, but we seem to be going in the right direction generally. Fingers crossed.

Primrose

Glad things seem to be gradually slipping into an equilibium. I think if you can keep up this courteous professional attitude with X it will have a settling effect on your girls they will feel far less likely to want to throw the split up as an issue when you have to remonstrate with them on other problems. If they can see you both getting on with your lives and looking and feelier happier they may in time come to realise that the split was the right thing to do for everybody.

GSXRCarlos

Nice one Julliff - keep it up, you're doing great