Am I too controlling over money?

Dinah93

Julliff - put all his remaining stuff into one room, in boxes. Preferably in the garage. Don't give him run of the house anymore to take yoour stuff, and book a locksmith to come on Monday so he can't just let himself in in the future. Over the weekend sit the girls down and explain while you still want them to see lots of their dad, it can't be at your house anymore as you need your space.

Money_maker

If your girls have keys for your locks, you may need to think about how to keep them out of his hands without upsetting them. Wouldn't want them to 'vanish' for a while whilst they were visiting him or him to ask if he could 'borrow' them.

So pleased its nearly over. There may be more bumps for a short while but he's now not your responsibility so concentrate on yourselves.

Good idea about the garage/shed ^^^^^^^

Primrose

At last this phase is almost over Julliff - you've done enormously well to have held your nerve. It's a pity about your records and CD's . Maybe you ask him to return them as they were bought for you, and tell him he doesn't get the rest of his stuff until they are returned. Do whatever is necessary to get that lock changed on Monday, even if it means having to take a couple of hours off work. You need the security of mind that your Ex is no longer going to have free access to the house to remove more possessions that don't belong to him. And if the girls have a key, tell them that they are to keep it in their possession and that their father no longer has legal access to the house and they mustn't loan it to him, even temporarily or let him into the house without your agreement. Next time the girls visit him, perhaps they could be persuaded to ask "Dad, can we please take back the records and CD's you bought as a present for Mum. We're sure you took them by mistake." If that doesn't shame him into returning at least some of them, they'll perhaps begin to see what he's like.

Chin up Girl. You're nearly there. Have a good week-end.

vandanfc

Hi J

So he has finally gone. Typically it was on his terms with extras, but that is now your PAST - after his visit this morning the rest of the day is the start of your very bright FUTURE - in peace without him weighing you down.

I agree with getting the locks changed asap. If you have a yale type lock on the front door, you can just buy a new inner barrel from any good diy store - you will need to measure the depth of the door in order to get the correct fit. But it is dead easy to do.

Make a list of all the extras he took and at least have a record. You know you will not get them back, so best to chalk it down to yet another of his selfish actions.

Take care and take the next couple of days nice and slow.

Hugs

Vanda

Brighton_belle

Hi Julifee -very glad to hear he has gone, but not suprised it wasn't /isn;'t straight forward. But this is a huge step forward in the process.

Please do get the locks changed so if he does cadge a key from ethe girls in the future he can very definitely know he is entering without your permission IYSWIM.
I personally wouldn't envolve the girls in trying to get your stuff back - that's the sort of games he plays and would be embarassing and difficult for them. (and I know you haven't sugested you were going to)
Definitely email the solicitor re him not having cleared the house when he said. Can't believe they took his word for it:eek:
Definitely tell him (and in writing too) that he always has to ask your permission FIRST to come into the house, never the girls first.

There are bound to be a few blurry boundries like this to clarify, given the type of person he is and that your girls don't have the same need and right as you for these boundaries to be clear. You will get there.

You don't need to explain how it makes you feel re taking your stuff -I think many of us can probably kind of understand that, even though you know it is 'only' stuff. These are seizmic changes that will bring up loads of feelings like this.

Well done Juliffe. You have come a long way. I expect you will feel a 1000 different emotions this wekend and possibly vey drained. And if you feel drained, you may feel overwhelmed. If so, allow yourself to feel but try not to think about coping with the future - that will take care of itself.

January20

I agree with the few posts above, but would add that as well as having a chat with him regarding getting the key back, having to speak to you and not the girls to arrange visits, I think you need to sit the girls down and have a proper chat with them. They are old enough to understand that, although he is their father, he now has his own home and must not let himself in without your consent, and that you must ok any visit he makes. I would also make sure that when they go and visit him, they leave their door key at home (if they have one).

Juliffe, the first few days/ weeks will be strange and all new, and you'll have to work everything out as it comes, but this is the start of the rest of your life and I hope you are very happy.

julliff

Hi all

I started to post yesterday, but every time I did, DD2 would show up!

Friday night got very little sleep. Woke up at 2.30am and couldn't get back to sleep. So got up at 3.30am!!

stbX turned up at 11.00am. No van! I asked him. and he said "Mate with van is turning up at about 1". Then he spent hours emptying out the shed (as with all other areas of he life), he has LOADS of tools etc. At one point I said "well, leave me some basic tools - a couple of screwdrivers, pliers, wallpaper scraper etc". He then said "What wallpaper are you stripping" - The way he said it - not in a conversational way, but as if I had no right! I just said - "I dont know, but if I ever want to strip some wallpaper, I will need a scraper" - it is none of his flippin' business!

Anyway 1pm passed, and no van, so I asked hin, and he said he was behind so he had phoned mate and said make it later. Not so much as a "do you mind" to me.
He ended up leaving at 5pm. So much for my first day of freedom!

I did get keys back, but afterwards DD2 said "Why does Dad have to give his keys back" So I explained that it was not Dads house anymore, and that he had his place, to which I will not have a key. And then she said "But we (his kids) live here" . I think is is going to be difficult for a while. In the evening, we watched a programme from the SKY + planner,and just as it finished, the phone went and it was stbX. DD2 promptly asked him if he wanted her to save the programme for him to watch!

The girls and I then went food shopping after van went, and on the way back, we stopped by his flat so the kids could see his flat. He has got so much stuff, I really don't know where he is going to put it all. I felt sorry for him. But I am sure he will make it nice, he is quite good at that when he wants to be.

He told the girls he is turning the second bedroom into a dining room. They said "Where are we going to sleep when we come round?" He replied that they could have his room, and he would stay in the living room. I dont think that is a very good start. It would have been better to have let them have their own space, so they would have felt more "at home" there.

Today should be a bit calmer, as stbX is off on a 200 mile round trip to pick up a suite.

January20

DD2 is still young and there will be things that she takes longer to understand - like the fact her Dad can't come round to yours to watch programmes you have recorded! But you'll get there.

When I separated from my ex, the hardest thing was to realise that there would be a part of my daughter's life that I would have no say into any longer. Like the day he and his wife decided to replace "her" bed for a sofa. It wasn't even a sofa bed. I felt like he was saying she was no longer welcome there, or she was just an occasional guest, but I could say nothing. As a mother it's difficult, but you can only watch what happens and be there to pick up the pieces. Adapt your life at home with the girls so that they feel your house is really their home, and perhaps it won't matter so much to them? And they will soon realise who the stable, reliable, selfless parent is!

Primrose

Julliff - relieved for you that D day has come and gone, even if it didn't go as smoothly as you'd hoped. Hardly surprising you weren't able to sleep well after all that tension but hopefully now you have the house to yourself your anxiety levels will gradully reduce. It's perhaps not a bad thing that your girls got the message about there not being a permanent bedroom for them at your ex's flat. Of all the things he could have done to convince his children that they have a serious priority in his life this will perhaps be the most defining message he could have given them, i.e. that his needs/desires feature more importantly than their own. They will soon realise where their "permanent" home is, and that will include the fact that their father no longer has the right to come and watch recorded Sky programmes in your house. It will take them time to adjust but I suspect that what will gradually happen is that they could slowly start to feel less "wanted" at the flat as your Ex gets on with his own life. After all, it's been apparent that you have always been the one who has made the effort to consider the childrens' interests. Your ex's lack in this area will have been largely masked by your continuing presence. Now that they will start seeing him in isolation, without your "overseeing support", they will possibly start to see him in a different light, as he really is and will feel less inclined to want to spend a lot of time there.

Well done on your long journey. No doubt the coming week will feel a little strange for you all as you start to adjust but you've made it!

Don't fret too much about the loss of some basic tools. The outdoor car boot fair season will soon be upon us again and it's amazing what cheap finds you can collect there. When you've got a moment, make a list of the basic tools you'll need and have a fun day out foraging for them. Also check to see if there's a Freebie disposal/recycling group operating in your area (can't remember it's name) but people elsewhere on this site are always claiming what good results they've get from them.

vandanfc

Hi J

Thanks for updating us. Hopefully things will start to settle down soon. Hope the girls don't get let down too soon by their father, although it looks very likely.

I would still be tempted to change the locks though, it will give you a little extra piece of mind.

Take each day as it comes and slowly you will find yourself a way down the path to your new lives.