Am I too controlling over money?

msb5262

Hi Juliff,
Very glad he's actually on his way out.
You have come a long way but I know from experience that you'll feel really awful now - empty inside, and as if you've pushed it all too far.
I know that in your position I felt terribly, overwhelmingly guilty even though that didn't reflect the true situation.
Hold on and you'll feel better - make sure you make some arrangements which are to give YOU enjoyment, relaxation, quiet...whatever you need.
Also make sure you see your friends or talk to them by phone as much as possible.
This is the strange and difficult part which nobody ever tells you about but fear not, things will improve.
Best wishes and hang on in there
MsB x

MrsAnnie

Hi Julliff, You have done so well to get this far. And even though your posts are not full of smilies (yet!!), they certainly come across as so much more optimistic and hopefull. You have started to look towards the future instead of trying to drag yourself from one day to the next.


Wish you all the best in your fresh start x

julliff

msb5262 wrote: »

You have come a long way but I know from experience that you'll feel really awful now - empty inside, and as if you've pushed it all too far.
I know that in your position I felt terribly, overwhelmingly guilty even though that didn't reflect the true situation.

Gosh, that is EXACTLY how I feel. I do feel like I have caused all the unhappiness for my kids, and forced stbX out of the house, and into a small flat (albeit a brand new flat). I keep asking myself if I have been unduly harsh, and maybe stbX did not deserve it. It helps to know that others feel like this too.

It is going to be a long struggle with bothe kids and stbX, and again, I feel in a very lonely spot with regards to moving on.

DD2 did some baking yesterday, and inevitably wanted to take some cookies round to her Dad. She texted him, and he said he would be back at 7. So we all went up there. It was too late to leave them there (DD2 did helpfully say "we wont stay"), so we all stayed for an hour (I didn;t get offered even a cup of tea). Whilst they were talking the sky planner came into the conversation again. DD2 asked about saving something, and he said "No, but is that War programme on there? Could you keep it as I haven't seen it" So, he is colluding with the kids in that he thinks he can come down here and watch the telly! I need to get him on his own (difficult), so we can manage expectations! I can't ring him, as he has not got a landline yet, and his mobile has no signal in his flat!

He is coming over tonight to pick up telly, so maybe I will try to get him then. That said, he wont be alone then, as he will need someone to drive telly over to his place! He is so good at getting others to do things for him. Wonder if they ever get fed up.

The other issue, is that there is a very large cupboard in the dining room, the frame of which is
built in. The shelving unit inside I have agreed that stbX can take. However, stbX built the frame and doors around it, and says he may have to cut the frame, or take it down, to get the shelving out. If he does this, then there
will be a part of the floor (currently inside the cupboard), which will be an eyesore. The floor of the room is solid wood with a stained border. It finishes at the cupboard. Can he do this? As the cupboard is fitted, does it count as a fixture, and therefore belong to the house? As I said, I dont mind him taking the shelving, but not if it is going to cause damage to the frame or doors. I have emailed solicitor about this, but have no yet received a reply.

thanks for all of your lovely replies.:A

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

The other issue, is that there is a very large cupboard in the dining room, the frame of which is
built in. The shelving unit inside I have agreed that stbX can take. However, stbX built the frame and doors around it, and says he may have to cut the frame, or take it down, to get the shelving out. If he does this, then there
will be a part of the floor (currently inside the cupboard), which will be an eyesore. The floor of the room is solid wood with a stained border. It finishes at the cupboard. Can he do this? As the cupboard is fitted, does it count as a fixture, and therefore belong to the house? As I said, I dont mind him taking the shelving, but not if it is going to cause damage to the frame or doors. I have emailed solicitor about this, but have no yet received a reply.

thanks for all of your lovely replies.:A

Remember this is your house now.

No he can not just dismantle any built in structures, unless this was agreed to previously before the conveyancing (sp?) had been finalised.

Just tell him, through your solicitor, that he can not have the shelves Because they have essentially been built in. If the shelves can not be removed without cutting the built in frame then they should be left in place.

Primrose

The shelves are part of an integral fixture & fitting, i.e. the cupboard and can't be removed. Don't risk putting up with such an eyesor if the cupboard is left damaged afterwards as it will be yet another major hassle for you to have to sort out and a lingering eyesore. If agreement wasn't sorted out in writing about this beforehand with the solicitor, it's a big NO NO.

Tell him to buy some wood for some new shelves. After all, he's already taken all the tools to fix his new shelves , hasn't he? Start putting your foot down Julliff, and define the boundaries now, otherwise you'll for ever be having him coming back wanting this and that.

Zazen999

Juliff; you need to start being less soft!!!

It's not his house. You are not recording any programmes as he won't be there to watch them. You are not allowing him to remove fixtures and fittings. And to be honest, you should not be visiting him at his new home, if you don't want him at yours. You need to start stamping on this like 'dad won't be watching at ours, so there's not point in recording them, is there dear'..if you keep letting comments such as this pass then he may as well move straight back in.

Money_maker

Exactly^^^

Tell him he has 48 hours to collect his remaining bits - then goodbye.

I know its not that easy but your guilt is turning it into a farce.

Dinah93

He vacated the premises on Friday. Thats it, he has no right to come back for anything he's left, or to take shelves that'll knacker the dining room floor.

Primrose

Julliff - I suspect all these "left over" issues are going to be hard for you to deal with. In some ways this separation is worse than a bereavement. When somebody dies, you know they're not going to be there any more and perhaps in a way, psychologically this makes it easier to move on as it's such a black and white issue. In your case, he's gone but he hasn't really departed and still has the potential to make issues continue to niggle.

It might be a good idea to tell him that now he's physically moved out it would be a good idea if you both had a period of non contact for a month or some other designated period, apart from issues specifically concerning the children, so that you can both get used to creating new spaces for yourself and getting accustomed to operating independently.

You can't undo all the years of marriage overnight but both of you having some personal space might help.

GSXRCarlos

i heart julliff, that being said - stop being so soft ;o)

you're far too nice