Am I too controlling over money?

mazinmouse

Hello, I've only been following this post for a week but have read from start to latest post - just wanted to add that it has been heartening to see how your 'voice' has changed since the first posts, and to read just how strong and decisive you sound in your last post. I think you have been more than reasonable, too!! Roll on Feb 5th!!!

PS Can I ask, do you think that, as you've got stronger over the past few months, that has also translated into having additional confidence in the workplace?

Primrose

julliff - your OH really seems to be lacking a sense of how the real world works, doesn't he? Still, at least you have a deadline now, and if his other place isn't ready for occupancy on that date, tell him to make arrangements to book into a hotel or bed & breakfast until it is, otherwise he'll have to start paying rent because you have extra mortgage payments to meet. Tell him that the delays have gone on long enough and all of you now need a date for closure so you can start rebuilding your lives. I think part of him is still in denial about how much he has relied on you, and taken you for granted, to finance and structure his life in the past. Living solo will be a huge shock to him when all that support is taken away. Perhaps he hasn't realised yet how much admin there is in running a home, ensuring that TV licences are applied for, bills paid, contents insurance taken out, etc. He will either wake up and smell the coffee or slide further down the Responsibility scale into chaos, especially if he's drinking more . On his current behaviour it seems as if it will be the latter - in which case you're going to have to decide now not to allow yourself to be manipulated into a guilt trip when all his money has been recklessly spent and the bayliffs are knocking on his door. At this point he might start using the children as pawns to try and make you feel guilty. Bringing them up to speed on his financial settlement, and helping them to learn and understand how to become financially resonsible with their own modest finances will help ensure that any such strategy on his part backfires.

ninky_2

hang in there gal!

i'm sure your OH is going to be thinking that somehow it's all your fault that his life is so difficult, because when someone is so lacking in taking responsibility for their lives you can be sure there is always one person they never truly blame - themselves.

i hope your girls don't get sucked into his way of thinking. i'm sure even if they do temporarily as the grow older they will come to see what a fantastic and strong woman they have for a mother.

julliff

:AThanks!

Oh yes, I have no doubt that he thinks all his problems are my fault. They always are someone elses fault.

The trouble is, I think I have low self esteem, and I struggle with self doubt. I constantly question myself. Should I let him stay until he is ready to go? After all, I am the one divorcing him. Should I have tried harder?

In my heart, I know that I did try, so hard, for a very long time. But in the end, I just made things worse. He probably saw me trying, and saw it as a sign that I would put up with anything.

I am really tired today, which makes me feel emotionally brittle. I felt really miffed when I saw him eating my chicken. It is so trivial really, but I get so cross that he thinks that it is his right to keep taking and taking without asking, and not even trying to give anything back. Once his has gone, I can hopefully move on, as it will not be so "in my face".

DD1 has a couple of friends over, so I had to give the house a really good clean. It was good motivation, but I am exhausted after a particularly hard week at work, and all the other chores.

Oh, and to answer the question about my job - I feel more confident, in that I can really concentrate on doing a good job, whereas before I was always worrying about home life - his mood swings were ruling my life! I just feel more like "me" at work now, if that makes any sense.

Thank you all for helping me through this - I dont think I would have done it without the support I have got here.:A

Primrose

julliff - would it work if you asked your husband to buy and cook his own food and to eat it at a different time to the rest of the family? Tell him he should be brushing up his cooking skills now that he's about to start living on his own.

BitterAndTwisted

I also think that your girls should be encouraged to help with some of the household chores, especially if things need to be tidied up before their own guests come round.

Nearly there, Juliff. Very nearly there

julliff

Hi

thanks tou you both.

stbX does buy himself food, but then he also eats mine sometimes. It doesn't help that DD2 (bless her) offers him some. (Traditionally, we have a TV dinner on a Saturday, where we have a bung in the oven type dinner, and the kids take it in turns to cook it).
I have toyed with the idea of hiding my teabags (I like PG tips or Yorkshire) , and then filling the caddy with Value brand! He he.

I met up with an old friend on Friday, and told him about the Court costs issue. He said "If I were you, I would just pay it. Accept that he is abeing a prat, and it stops the moment he leaves". Then move on. So, I suppose I should just apply that principle to the food etc situation. It is just so, so annoying.

Primrose - it is so true about him being detached from real life. It is breathtaking really.

I also agree with the kids helping - and they did. I made it a condition that if DD1s friends wanted to come over, she would have to do some cleaning up. She did go well beyond the call of duty with claning the bathroom - she cleared and sorted out the cupboards under the bath - something I have been meaning to do for months - yay. DD1 is also going to do the ironing this pm - this is a job that she is always willing to do,as she can have the TV on, and as long as it gets done,that is fine by me.

InaPickle

julliff wrote: »

Hi

thanks tou you both.

stbX does buy himself food, but then he also eats mine sometimes. It doesn't help that DD2 (bless her) offers him some. (Traditionally, we have a TV dinner on a Saturday, where we have a bung in the oven type dinner, and the kids take it in turns to cook it).
I have toyed with the idea of hiding my teabags (I like PG tips or Yorkshire) , and then filling the caddy with Value brand! He he.

I met up with an old friend on Friday, and told him about the Court costs issue. He said "If I were you, I would just pay it. Accept that he is abeing a prat, and it stops the moment he leaves". Then move on. So, I suppose I should just apply that principle to the food etc situation. It is just so, so annoying.

Primrose - it is so true about him being detached from real life. It is breathtaking really.

I also agree with the kids helping - and they did. I made it a condition that if DD1s friends wanted to come over, she would have to do some cleaning up. She did go well beyond the call of duty with claning the bathroom - she cleared and sorted out the cupboards under the bath - something I have been meaning to do for months - yay. DD1 is also going to do the ironing this pm - this is a job that she is always willing to do,as she can have the TV on, and as long as it gets done,that is fine by me.

It's nice to see that you DDs are helping - perhaps this is the start of a routine establishing itself? And I KNOW it's annoying, but I'm inclined to agree about paying the court costs: you shouldn't have to pay them all, but then if your (Currently)OH were reasonable, you wouldn't be divorcing him in the first place, would you? A few hundred pounds for your peace of mind and the start of your new life seems a pretty good trade off to me. Think L'Oreal: you're not doing it because he deserves to get off with it, you're doing it because yo're worth it!

Brighton_belle

Hi Juliffe
I agree with the others - all frustrating and outrageous, but just bear with it a wee while longer and he''ll be gone and it's over. Yes, you shouldn't have to pay those court costs, but I think better to to get it done and dusted.
Really lovely to hear your DD's mucking it - that bodes well for the future.

Not suprised you are tired - this situation is totally draining let alone working full time as well.

It is good to know he now understand, and you know that he does, that no money till he moves out. (I can quite imagine if he gets the money before completion he'll spend £20K in 2 days and then not have any money to complete and he is still in your house:eek:.

Rest as much as you can today xx

Primrose

It sounds as if your girls are really developing a sense of responsibility about helping around the house and I suspect that once your OH has moved out and they feel they can have their friends round without that poisoned atmosphere, you will see them start to blossom. If you feel you can afford to meet the court case fees and psychologically feel it's a price worth paying to write the line in the sand, then perhaps it's better to do so, although when you're working so hard to earn that money I can understand why it niggles. Still, not long now. Don't accept any further delays though, after February 5th. Tell him he's out on that date - whether it's into his new flat, or a bed and breakfast.