Am I too controlling over money?

vandanfc

Hope you got to get the bath - hope it took forever and that you felt refreshed for it. Hope the conversation with sols goes okay today and you get the confirmation you want.

Primrose

Julliff - I suspect that your DD1's reaction and atititude to her father's behaviour at the week-end is undergoing a gradual sea change. She's growing up a little and slowly the scales are starting to fall from her eyes. Most young kids idolise their fathers and regard them as all-powerful, so the recognition that they are capable falling off their pedestals is a difficult one for them to come to terms with. But as children grow older, they start to become more experienced at interpreting adult behaviour and I think this is what is happening now. It's painful for her to see because it reflects the fact that the adult world into which she's entering is not perfect. As a child she has been protected from many of these kinds of emotions and behaviours. Now she's starting to understand that there are experiences at work that she doesn't yet have the emotional equipment to deal with. This obviously creates a feeling of uncertainty and vulnerability for her as the foundations start to rock a little.

I think the atmosphere will be hugely improved once your OH has moved out and she isn't exposed to this on a daily basis.

savingmummy

I have read this thread from start to finish and am amazed how strong you are.
I suppose it don`t feel like it at times but you certainly are a very strong women and totally cooperative having your ex staying.
Your girls will be so proud when they are older and know what you`ve been through. You went through all this to keep them safe and happy which is an amazing thing to do when your gong through hell everyday.

Good luck to the future, you are an inspiration to many women stuck in a rut so to speak x

Zazen999

julliff wrote: »

Talking of that, my Mum popped down in the day, and she asked OH about his new flat. He said he was signing the docs on Friday (29th), and would be moving out the following week! ...when he won £100 on a scratchcard, he thought he would treat himself! what a liberty! And living here rent free too! He didnt tell her about the other hundreds of pounds of stuff he has bought in the last few weeks.

I don't know how on earth you can hold your tongue when he says these things. Have you ever thought of becoming a trainer on 'stress management' and 'how to not say what you want to say'?

GSXRCarlos

Hi Julliff,

nearly there, just a little longer.

I feel this unresiding urge to offer my help and support. If i was a friend of yours (or his) then i'd want to get involved, he's created this mess and he's caused you all to feel like this.

You have not 'caused' any of this.

I'm counting the days til the 29th for you hun ;o)

julliff

· Yes, I did have a lovely long soak last night. It consisted of “Alamos Viognier 2008 Mendoza”, Michael Buble, Pure Moisture bubble Bath, and some amber candles.

While I was soaking I started to think about how I will feel when the girls go to stay at their Dads. Then I started to mentally list some of the things I haven’t been able to do, because I was always too busy. Like getting an aromatherapy massage, going out with a friend for a cream tea, painting my toenails etc, etc. Didn’t seem so bad then.

I haven’t heard back from solicitor yet.

There are also little signs that things are going to be just fine – this morning DD2 said “not, now, because it would be too awkward, but when Dad moves out, can I have a sleepover?” Quite matter of factly.



She did, however, ask me if I was still angry with her Dad for the other night. I said, I was not best pleased. I think she is just like me, in a way, and does not like a difficult atmosphere.



The reason I can keep it all in (although it is hard, and that is one of the reasons I like to post, it is a sort of release mechanism), is because for years I knew that if I ever raised objections, OH would up the ante, twist things round, until I was convinced everything was my fault, or I was in the wrong. Whilst I don’t think like that anymore, the ability to not say anything stays with me.

Sometimes I feel like screaming!



I know I am sort of weak by not standing up to him, but the end is coming. I feel bad about letting him treat the kids so badly in the past. For example, if we were all sat down to dinner, he would say to the kids – are you going to eat that? If they said yes, and then didn’t eat it, he would get REALLY angry because it was too late (for example, he wanted their curry, and by the time the kids decided he did not want it, he had finished his rice & naan bread, so it was no good). . That is not normal is it? While I was sorting out some papers, I found a little letter that one of the girls had written a few years back, apologising to OH and asking for his forgiveness for such an episode. I cried when I saw it - I feel so ashamed that I let that happen.



Funny, this thread is still called “Am I too controlling over money?” If I was, it was about the only control I did have!



Still counting the days…….

Dinah93

That is such a strong post Julliff, I went back and read your first post today. I am so pleased and proud of you for coming so far.

MrsAnnie

Dinah93 wrote: »

That is such a strong post Julliff, I went back and read your first post today. I am so pleased and proud of you for coming so far.

Dinah93 is right! The first post on this thread is from June 09, I can't believe it has been thet long :eek:. You have come so far and your exOH still has yet to even muster up the energy to find employment, and continues to indulge in Ebay purchases!



P.S. Your bath included Michael Buble!!!! :beer::j:eek:

ninky_2

i just wanted to say what an amazing thread it is. really inspirational. i know you probably have a way to go yet but have you thought about doing a book? i mean this seriously. the journey you have gone on is one many face and you have dealt with it with such integrity. all the best.

Primrose

Yes, Julliff, the end is coming and the fact that your daughter asked about having a friend to sleep over is evidence that the light is already starting to shine at the end of the tunnel for her. She has probably been wanting this for ages but never dared to ask because of the tense home atmosphere. Simple things like this will surely help to put her dad's moving out into a better perspective.

You say that you have always tried to keep your emotions to yourself. Perhaps when your OH has gone, it's time to start letting go a little and also to start encouraging the girls to talk more openly about their feelings too. It sounds as if they also have been keeping a lot of thoughts locked away. When you've finally got the house to yourselves, perhaps a nice celebratory meal at home for the three of you, where you can all start to talk openly and honestly, perhaps for the first time, would be a good way of setting the scene for all going forward. Not long now.....