Am I too controlling over money?

BitterAndTwisted

If your husband is at root a decent person and loves his girls there's no reason on God's earth why your two should go off the rails. None whatsoever.

Things are about to change, for the better in my opinion, but the prospect of change and uncertainty can be scary. If you weren't even a tiny bit anxious about the future you really wouldn't be normal.

I'm convinced that you have made the right decision for yourself, your daughters and perhaps in the long-term your husband as well. If you're not persuaded just go back to your very first post on this thread and recollect the feelings you had when you made it.

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS JULIFF!

Primrose

Julliff - there is no reason why your husband and the girls shouldn't remain in close and regular contact - but your husband is the adult here and he needs to understand that the motivation and the drive to make this happen must remain with him. Your OH's habit of spending money and not looking for work to support his family could eventually have driven you into bankcuptcy and this, at least, the girls need to understand, so they know that at least one parent is looking after their financial stability and well-being. The divorce and the transfer of property is to enable you to continue doing that very thing, without it being put at further risk. If, in your childrens' minds, you can get them to separate the issue of their financial stability from the issue of their relationship with their father, they will hopefully understand why the break had to happen. It's to protect them, and their futures. There's no reason why they can't continue their relationship with their father. They just need to understand the realities of why you have needed to protect the financial stability of their home. As they start to grow older and understand more about the realities of economic life, especially if their dad refuses to motivate himself to get a job, they will see for themselves why this had to happen. It's natural for you to feel scared. It's a new situation for you but I'm sure that as you gradually get to grips with a new way of life, it will hopefully become less stressful as you get used to coping, without all the current bad atmosphere in your home.

MrsAnnie

Don't keep taking on the responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage!!!! You have done your best to prevent this from happening. But there needs to be effort from both sides. NOTHING your ex has done shows that he wants to save this marriage or keep the family together. Your DDs will ALWAYS have a mother and a father, absolutely nothing you are doing will take that away from them. His relationship with them is not your responsibility; you are not standing in his way are you or dragging you girls off to another country? It is time your Ex made an effort and started being a father that those girls deserve, but it is not up to you to make that happen.

Yes, some kids go off the rails, but how many of them have a wonderful, caring and supportive mum like you that would be willing to walk the earth for them, like you would?

scubaangel

Juliff, words from my mum who is with me at the moment.

Although you feel awful, scared and worried about the future you have to make the decisions for you and your girls which are right NOW, not put up in the hope that things will be right 'one day'. I did, I allowed my family to be moved all over the country with my husbands job with increasing feelings of unhappiness and resentment when all along I should have allowed him to move on without me. When I finally left I felt the same way you do, but although it was rocky at first now I realise other than times spent soley with my daughters when they were younger I cannot remember a time when I was happier with my life. I am immensely proud of the women my children grew in to and like you when I split with my husband my greatest fear (other than him being unbelieveably obstructive) was for my girls, what of their futures? But at the end of the day you make your choices and assist them in theirs until they decide to stop listening, after that you can only support them and hope they make good ones and the best example you can set them is you making things right and safe for all of you not forcing yourselves in to a family mould which simply doesnt fit any longer. Good Luck.

julliff

Hi all

Thank you for your lovely messages. Scubaangel (& Mum) - I rally hope that I will be able to look back and feel like you do.

I think it will be better when the kids know. At least we can start to deal with whatever - at the moment I am imagining all sorts, and worrying. Once OH has moved out, we can work out what our lives will be.

I am also concerned over money - I earn a good wage, but the prospect of over doubling my mortgage in both size and length is a bit nerve wracking. So, I have decided to get myself over to the Mortgage free wannabe forum, to see what I can do. I am going to be on a 2 year fixed rate, but I am allowed to make 10%regular overpayments. I have also taken out a regularsaver with my bank which ays a healthy 8%. The idea being that I put aside some money, and at the end of the two years, I can pay off a chunk. It has the bonus that if I fnd myself out of contract, or in financial need, I can still get my hands on the money. Doing practical things like that makes it a bit less scarey.

Off to see my Mum tonight - she is back from Devon. I feel sad for my Mum, because she left when I was 17, My Dad was horrible, and with 4 kids, she could not take us with her. It is only now that I fully appreciate what she went through.

julliff

Forgot to say - got in from work and OH was making bacon baguettes. He even made me one!

Emmzi

juliffe,

don't stress too much about the mortgage. Inflation will do its thing and while it looks scary now in 5 or 6 yeasrs it will seem easier. Maybe a little money on holidays and outings as you bed in your new family would be a good investment.

Not that I'm saying budgeting is bad. Just, you have a lot on your plate for the next year, plus saving for uni/ college for the kids! So be kind to yourself.

julliff

Just had a note from my solicitor, transfer is due to take place on 29th January. He has to vacate.


I feel sick, thinking about how the girls will react.

JoW123

Hi Juliff. You have been so brave and strong. You must keep going now. I remember how awful it was last Sept when I was going through similar and when he finally moved out. My ex would do nice things occasionally for me and make me doubt my reasons but ultimately it does not make up for all the bad behaviour and manipulation. No-one is all bad, but ultimately this man has made your life awful for a good while. My ex has continued to take little responsibility. He sees the children each Sunday but I always have to take and collect them. He constantly tells them he has no money, and to top it all appears to have started a new relationship (it must be lovely to be able to move on and not be left in the emotional mess he has left me in!!). Your husband will not change. As for telling your daughters....they need to know practically what is happening i.e.when he will move out, when they will see him etc etc. Yes, it will be hard, emotional, but despite all this in your heart you will never question whether you have done the right thing, because deep down you know you have. You can then concentrate on buiding a better, but different life with your girls, and your ex can do the same, but that is up to him.
Deep breath and keep going..

InaPickle

Juliff, you are doing brilliantly. Don't worry too much about the mortgage as it seems that you are doing all the right things about bringing it down. The girls will probably react fairly badly intially, but equally, in their heart of hearts, they will know that this was coming, even if they aren't facing up to the idea. Given a little time they will probably think the new arrangement works better, but they probably won't say it directly, although you will probably grasp their opinion from some little thing they drop into conversation and when they do you will be on here telling us about it, very happy! You are nearly there - the darkest hour is indeed before dawn.

And on a completely cheeky note: your regular saver account interest rate sounds great. Could you tell me what it's called and where it's at, please, so I can get one, too? Thanks! x