Am I too controlling over money?

msb5262

Hi Juliff,
Don't worry, you are doing all the right things. We're all cheering you on so don't lose your nerve! It was my DS2's birthday too yesterday and he's just said to me that his dad didn't get him any small presents to open, only contributed to half of a big present from both of us. It's hard when the children are disappointed in their dads but our job is to be good mums - sounds as if you're doing a cracking job. Keep your chin up, wish I could buy you some flowers to celebrate your progress.
MsB x

ClaireN75

Hi Juliff,

I've been lurking and have just read the last few weeks of this thread in one go. The change in your writing "emotion" is just amazing - you can "read" your confidence coming back week by week, bit by bit. I can't imagine what you're going through but I certainly wish you and you DDs well for the future. It sounds like you're getting there, but I do hope you will stop trying to spare his feelings. Your ex is really quite contemptible. You deserve so much better and we all want to see you get it! Good luck!

Claire
x

PS Great choice of song, a real belter

plimsoll

you def do sound so much better & stronger, hope he does move out soon!! {hugs}

sp1987

I have just read this whole thread and my gosh, what a selfish little man!

The only real input I have is as someone whos parents divorced (after a long period of separated cohabitation) at 16. From what I can see, OH seems to cause his own dramas with the children and you deal well with them, by not slagging their father off to them. DD2 seems to have picked up very well that dad can be a selfish !!!!!! and cannot understand why he behaves like it...meanwhile DD1 sees him as a bit of a victim. I'm sure DD1 will see the fact her father is not being a 'real man' soon enough though and in time will realise the difficulties she put you through. I was an utter pain when I was younger and I remember refusing to eat/sleep and getting very distressed with needing some control of the situation (hence reluctance to eat, I think). If she continues to have any such problem (you have not mentioned it for a while?) offer to take her to the doctors for an informal chat. She may feel that you caring enough to see something ''wrong'' is enough and not want to go. Little cries for help can get serious with some young people or can manifest themselves later on.

My parents divorce was very messy and long winded (I remember the first memories I have of them mentioning divorce I was 7....9 years it took, lol). I was used as a pawn through a lot of it, ''your mum is this'' ''your dad is this'' and it was very hurtful. But, with that said, I am unaffected by it in adult life and have no bad memories that were caused by the separation; any negatives were caused by the fact they did not sort it out sooner and seemed to stay together far too long for my sake.

What I am trying to say is that whilst it may seem that DD1 is going to be a particular problem long term, she probably isn't. She is probably playing dad off too (hence ringing you in tears to moan about him, running off in tears from him, etc). The best way to handle that (if she is anything like I was) is not to rise to it, answer questions and do not tell her she is too young to understand (even though she is, nobody at 14 wants to be patronised when they ''know it all'' lol) or imply such.

You seem like an excellent mother and a very intelligent person so do yourself some justice and accept that your children will love you for exactly who you are

Glitzkiss

Hi Juliff,

Another long-time lurker here coming out of the closet to add some support. Please keep posting whenever you need to even if it is only to vent your frustration at your selfish and manipulative OH. It has been lovely to watch your confidence grow and I'll be cheering when your ex leaves and you no longer have to support him and do everything else for the family.

Here's to a more relaxed and peaceful life for you and your girls

vandanfc

Hi J

What a case your OH is !!!! Glad DD2 finally got to enjoy her birthday. Are you still going to see your solicitor next week about an advance on his monies so he can go rent somewhere ? I think he needs to take his self destructing self away from your daughters and you asap.

julliff

Hi All,

Thanks for all of your responses.

I have been feeling very stressed and anxious the last few days – I don’t’ really know why. I struggle to eat and sleep, and feel on edge constantly.

I completely understand what the solicitor and all of you are saying about not handing over any money now. I can’t help feeling that I have missed an opportunity to be free. Last weeks drama has now blown over, and OH is now acting “normally” again.

He took them bowling yesterday, and I must admit I did enjoy having the house to myself for an afternoon – that never normally happens, as OH rarely leaves the house except in the evening. Kids have gone back to school today.

DD1 has been good – well that was until I accidently whacked her in the head with the hoover (my fault, I was messing about). Now she is grim with me again. Teenagers!

Trying to concentrate on the positives – HSBC have given me a decision in principle & have taken out Income protection via my business.

Primrose

One step at a time julliff! Would it help you to keep a brief diary of all the positive things you do every day to help you keep on track? Forget the negatives. They will pass. Reminding yourself about the positives will help you progress to the next stage and keep you focussed on the future..

julliff

I can't do this anymore!

So,so tired - I want it all to stop.

DD1 told me tongiht that I have ruined her life.

What is the point in anything?

Dinah93

Juliff stay calm. You know she goes in cycles. And you have seen her raging against her father when he is acting like a brat. And I said the same thing to my parents as a teenager and they were very happily together, I just wanted someone to blame!

There is no way on earth she will look back even in 5 years let alone as an adult and think you ruined her life. But as hard as you are finding it, so are they, its a big change, you just need to stay consistent and always let them know you love them and will do anything to make them happy, but you need a stability your ex wasn't providing, so you want to give them that stability alone.