Am I too controlling over money?

dumpy

I'm a long time lurker on your thread but I have delurked to say something about your question "Can I stand to see him do this?"

The problem is if you don't stand strong then what will be the long term effect? Are you prepared to support him for the rest of his life or your life? Are you prepared to keep working for him to waste the money?

I'm not trying to be harsh, I had to ask myself this question two years ago. I decided that I didn't want to work all hours so he could !!!! around and I stopped giving him money or paying for anything he wanted, I just paid the basic bills. His money dried up and when he saw that the easy life had stopped he finally left.

You've done so many brave things so far and dealt with so much. (((Hugs)))

Can you have a chat with your mum? You said she had been supportive.

consultant31

Julliff, if you keep bailing your OH out, you're compounding the problem.. He will have to learn to manage his money himself at some point, if not now - when?

You might tell your DD that tough love is sometimes needed to help people to grow and mature.......it's not enough to just get older!

I honestly feel that you have to remain resolute at this point or you will never get out of this situation. Can you imagine nothing having changed in 10 years time? One day your daughters will be old enough to see that you really don't have a choice if your family is to survive financially.

Caroline73_2

She's 14, in denial and just doesn't understand. She has been manipulated by your OH for a long time.

Maybe one of you repetetive lines could be 'WE can't discuss this in front of the children so it must be done via the solicitor.'

Zazen999

julliff wrote: »

DD1 replied:”That’s right, blame Dad – that makes you seem like a really small person”

'I'm not blaming dad darling, you just did that yourself; I just said I didn't bring the subject up. I'll see you later'.

Now Juliff - you ask when will this be over. It will be over when you decide it will. What exactly is the plan for the next few months? Perhaps it would help to write some planned timeline down on when you are hoping to sort this mess out and what steps have to be taken to extricate yourself from this relationship. What is the exit strategy?

Primrose

julliff - stand firm on the money. The best lessons we ever learn are the hard lessons we have to learn ourselves. And your OH has to learn this money management lesson himself. Keep to the mantra. "The money split has to be agreed through the solicitor". Sooner or later the penny will drop. Meanwhile, just point out to him in private what a poor example of adult life and responsibility about money he is displaying to his daughters. He has blown it all without a single thought for their future needs? And he is now asking you to bail him, an adult, out? I don't think so! I should put any savings passbooks or financial documentation out of his reach for the time being. Could your mother take care of them for you temporarily?

Zazen999

Actually, I'd put all sensitive documents somewhere safe.

dumpy

Could you say that hte passbooks are with your solicitors as they needed to see them to start work on organising the divorce and division of assets.

It means it's not you saying he can't have them, so he no longer has you to blame and reinforces the idea that the seperation will happen.

Just a thought.

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

hi all,

different emotions tonight.

Came upstairs and OH said: can you get the savings books out now. He has obviously spent the last of the redundancy money. I repeated again that it has to gothrough solicitor, but he said - I am not getting a solicitor.

Wel, I just feelerally sorry for him. Because he will not use the money to turn his life around. He will waste it, and end up with nothing. It is so sad. Suddenly, he seems just - incapable, and like a child.

Also, it is not the image I want mykids to have of him. I want him to make a life, but he is still looking at ebay! what is wrong with him?

17 years to get a house etc, and the money he will get will be wasted, and then he will have nothing.

Can I stand to see him do this?

Julliff, I think I have read every reply that has been posted on your thread and I can honestly say that I have not read a single post that has said 'Your poor husband, go easy on him, we feel so sorry for him, he is doing the best he can, let him have the money and stop being so mean blah blah blah....' I think every poster in their own way has thrown their support behind you and told you to stand your ground, look after yourself and your DDs. REmember you are not his keeper, he is making a wreck of his life not you.

I think as you continue to live under the same roof, you will never be able see how much this man is pulling you down and how great the manipulation is. Just hang in there, it will get better and once you are no longer living in his shadow you will then start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Annie x

scubaangel

You aren't going to have to 'stand to see him do this' because you are divorcing, he is doing this and has done this to himself, he knew how much money he had, and has frittered it away.
You know how much money is needed to run your home which is why you have the savings and have not frittered it away.

You cannot just give him the money without agreeing it through a solicitor as a part of the division of assets, and I suspect when that happens he's going to have another shock as you get what he percieves to be the 'greater' share assuming your dd's stay in the family home with you.

GSXRCarlos

is there anywhere for julliff to "stash" the savings money so it doesn't appear in the divorce proceedings? maybe give it to her mum???