Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Gosh,

Thanks for all the responses – I can’t believe so many people take the time! You are all so kind.

I know what you are all saying about not offering him money out of guilt or pity.

The way I am looking at it, is if he gets a house, near to where we are, then it will be in the best interests of the children. Added to that, if they can see that he is going to be alright with somewhere to live, that they can easily access, then they will not be so angry with me.

As I have mentioned, I am not that money orientated, and I feel like it is a price worth paying – as long as I can keep the house, and have my girls. The rest I will earn afterwards!

I am not going to offer him stupid money, but by my reckoning there will be about 130,00 equity in the house – so that is 65,000 each, and then 12-15K each in savings (not counting MY money which as I already explained, is half of previous spends, so it is not to be shared).

Also, if he agrees to things, it will keep my solicitors bill down (quoted 2.5 – 5K)

I really want to be reasonable, and not lower myself to his level.

Does that make sense?

PS was going to tell kids tonight but DD1 has gone to friends house and OH is going to poker night later (well, we wouldn't want to interrupt his social life, would we?)

Primrose

juliff - do think VERY carefully about this. What happens if he doesn't change his ways, and for some reason in the future you run into financial difficulties, i.e. you cannot work, your health deteriorates, or something else. Your prime financial care is towards your CHILDREN. If you fund him in this way and it's your money rather than joint, he could also try and claim financial dependence on you. He really has to grow up and start thinking and behaving like an adult. Don't do anything until you've had your solicitor's advice. Besides, what if future money is needed for your childrens' further education at university? How is he going to afford the running expenses of a house without any income. Don't put it all on a plate for him. He's got to figure out his own salvation and being put in that position is probably the best thing that can happen in making him grow up and accept responsibility for himself.

JoW123

Hi Juliff. Its now 2 weeks since my ex finally left. I think I posted earlier in your thread but there are a lot of similarities between your husbands behaviour and my ex. He was very manipulative and good at blaming everyone else and managing to get me to take responsibility for everything while he gambled and ran up debts. I've since found out that the lies had been going on for years.

When I finally found the strength to say, and indeed keep saying it was over, and that I was no longer working to keep things together on my own his whole attitude changed. He no longer wanted to be here blaming me for being moody! We told the children 4 days before he left which was very difficult, and really upset me. Since he left they have coped very well and DS who was displaying anxiety symptoms due to ex partners mood swings is much more settled. DD is struggling more but a lot of that is due to ex only seeing them once a week and I have now encouraged him to have at least a phone call mid-week.

So did I do the right thing? Definitely, as he continues to absolve himself of any responsibility and tries to get me to sort out all the arrangements for getting the children to him. I wont deny that I have cried myself to sleep a few nights with sadness at how things have turned out BUT the atmosphere is much better here, and at least my finances arent being drained on nothing, and I dont have to worry about what will arrive with the post. I am more tired than I could ever imagine as I have to do everything but it is worth persevering for everyones sake.

I wish you well.

Money_maker

I dont think propping him up financially will guarantee your children will not be manipulated or angry with you. He will simply find another way to twist the knife.

You may also find that once he sees you are still so giving on the financial front that he can keep pushing for more. 'Look children, if mum gives me some money then you can come round and see me. Sorry, cant afford to entertain you as you know I dont have a job. Guess its just me and the beans on toast tonight'.

I know this is a difficult situation, but perhaps your solicitor can advise on the financial side of things - it almost sounds as though you are rewarding him for being a useless slob.

Good luck - sending you luck and strength to help you through this.

julliff

I know you are right. thanks

As I say, I am trying not to get sucked in.

BUT, for example, the thing about the kids –

When he got back from Ireland, after not seeing DD2 for 5 days, and knowing that she was REALLY upset because she did not get to go, he immediately arranged to go out with mate that evening (they got home at 5pm);

When we told the kids last night, he still went to play poker at mates! Wouldn’t want anything to get in the way of his social life, would we? DD1 did not want to come with DD2 & me to my muns to start with, so I asked OH if he could go a bit later (he originally told me he was going at 8pm, so I asked if he could go at 8.15), and his response was – I will take her with me!!!!! I said no, I would not go, and so DD1 said “fine, I’ll come with you then!”

I also told kids that their Grandma knows the situation, so if they need someone t talk to, thay can talk to her. My mum has been great. Yesterday, I said to her that maybe I should divorce him and settle up, and then let him live in the house as a lodger, paying rent - she soon talked me out of that.

Primrose

julliff - Your mum was right to abuse you of the idea that your OH staying in the house as a lodger and paying rent would be an option. You have no guarantee that the rent would be paid and the whole point of the divorce is to separate yourself and your financial affairs as much as possible so that you have the freedom to move on and conduct your life as you want to, without continually being dragged into controversy. As long as your financial situation is still linked to his in any way, you are still walking with the handcuffs on.

Seraphseven

Just as a quick one Juliff, If you give your Ex 65k +6k (half of savings) now then is it possible he can claim that as a gift and still go for 50% of your half IYSWIM definitely talk it through with your solicitor BEFORE discussing it any more with OH or he will use the fact that you offered against you,

If he is already going to EAs then that is a good sign, Let him sort his own life out and get his proportion of the money AFTER the divorce is finalised. This is the man that has ground you down financially and emotionally over the years why should YOU keep supporting HIM as you always have?

I'm trying not to sound mean but he is his own responsibility! In the long run letting him set himself up will be good for him because he will have to grow up and start taking responsibility for himself, This will be much better for your DD's in the end, having a (hopefully) more responsible father because he has had to stop sponging off of you.

Also i completely agree with your Mum about keeping him as a lodger, that would not be wise, You need a bit of distance to start rebuilding your life, If he keeps staying as a lodger he would still eat your food and expect you to drive him as he does now. You are very lucky to have such a supportive Mum as well i'm sure she will try her hardest to help you through the months ahead:A

Brighton_belle

can see where you are coming form juliffr re the buying him a flat idea, but agree with others that you must speak to your solicitor. You must also think of your future, as who knows what is round the corner for any of us financially in terms of illnesss etc . You need to make yoursefl safe, fo your sake and your dd's.
I think the flat idea it won't make asingle scrap of differnce re your DD's reaction - they don't understand the financial situation now - it's all magic money to them how they are fed and clotheed etc so it will mean nothing to them - and their dad will find plenty of other ways to play poor me.

Delighted to hear your mum is so onside - that is good news.

It is very hard being seen at the baddie. But a close friend of mine who left her DH a few yrs ago, and had a rough ride form her slightly older children is now very very close to them all. And received a txt (as DD1 is currently abroad)from the most difficult one this week, thanking her mum for putting up with her attrocious behaviour towards her, for always loving her and never giving up on her whatever she did and she is so grateful to have her as her mum.
My friend cried.
Hang on to that story Juliffe. My friend shed many tears over her children, but thngs have turned out really really well in the end.

MrsAnnie

julliff wrote: »

I am not going to offer him stupid money, but by my reckoning there will be about 130,00 equity in the house – so that is 65,000 each, and then 12-15K each in savings (not counting MY money which as I already explained, is half of previous spends, so it is not to be shared).

Not sure if by this you are suggesting that both your name and his name would be on the deeds of the house?

Playing devils advocate here: what happens if he ever enters into a new relationship; runs up a large amount of debt; gets sick and can't afford to maintain the house etc etc etc the list could go on.

Also just say he doesn't do as you are hoping - he doesn't have DD's regularly, even though he is 'just down the street'; not having them sleep over in the extre bedroom because he has to go out with his mates or its poker night; or he can't afford to take them out becasue money is tight.

Unfortunately, I really think you need to ask the 'what if' questions. This maybe a very negative way of thinking but I seriously that what may seem like a perfect solution to you may backfire. He is far from perfect, has different priorities than you and has not much money sense. Is this honestly someone that you would want to go into a further financial relationship with?

julliff

Hi all

MrsAnnie – I think I may have confused things a bit here. What I was saying is that,, by my reckoning, there will be 130K equity in our currently joint owned house. So, if I buy him out, he will get half. He can then use the money, plus his half of all of the savings ( which I believe is just classed as an asset of the marriage regardless of whose name it is in) to buy himself a flat/house, in his own name, which will be mortgage free. It will be nothing to do with me. All I was saying is that I will agree, with a proper solicitors binding agreement to settle with him for this amount. He is then on his own.

Anyway, he was less than enthusiastic about my idea, so that was that really. I don’t know what planet he is on – he said “IT says here I have to bring last 3 payslips to FI meeting. Well, that tells me everything – they will just laugh at me”. Errr – yes, if you think they will give you a mortgage without a job. I think that was my cue to feel sorry for him.


BrightonBelle- I am so pleased for your friend – it nearly made me cry just reading it – I hope it wasn’t too many years before she got to that point.