Am I too controlling over money?

JoW123

Juliff I can't write a long post as I am off to work shortly but I am now 2 weeks post my ex-partner (who is very similar to your husband) leaving. I will write you a post telling you what it is like tonight.

But I need to say one thing - you are doing the right thing and you need to believe that you will come out the other side because honestly you will.

You cannot continue to live with him like this because it will destroy you all, and you wont change him, honestly.

Take care

scubaangel

julliff wrote: »

Hi scubaangel

thanks for your support.

I am so sad and scared.

He makes me question myself all the time. I mentioned last night about him not giving over any money for mortgae, bills etc,and he said "You had a bank card, I thought you just took it" - so now I am doubting myself.

He has spent years wallowinf in self pity over his mum/dad/ brothers/job/health, and is so,so good at getting sympathy from people. The kids are an easy target for them

I have to wake kids up in a mo, must pull myself together

thanks

I hope you reminded him that just because he saw fit to just take money from you you wouldn't do the same to him and moreover you have mentioned in the past asking him to make arrangements to pay his share yet he has never bothered to organise this. To me at least shows him up to be a person who still has the mentality of a child - if I dont bother someone will do it for me.

As for wallowing, his problem not yours, you have given him ample opportunity to pull himself together and sort out a job/training/learning to drive but he cant be bothered, you have been dealing with two children, a household needing running, a job, seeking a job/contract and a husband who has done nothing to help or contribute for months at the very least. Eventually he will have to sort himself out, but thats not your problem any more is it.

Good luck (and have a dodgy looking hug).:grouphug:

Emmzi

juliffe, well done.

clearly he's going to behvae lke a !!!! for now. well yes, he is sad, he's lost his job etc, poor him, but just keep reminding yourself

- you're too good a mum to get into a battle with the kids over this. keep telling them you love them, you won't say anything bad about their dad, he's still their dad even though you don't love him any more, you want them to see him as much as they want to

- you have given him every opportunity, he's let you down every time. deeds not words.

- everyone is responsible for their own happiness. that includes him, and that includes you

- you are fabulous! working hard to make sure your kids are well provided for, and it sounds like you love 'em loads! role model a strong, independent woman for them. show them what standing on your own feet looks like.

as for 'ex' - deeds, not words. he can say w2hat he likes - it's the doing as counts. don't get sucked in. nod, smile, get on with your life and don't change a damn thing you are doing.

Is it time to pick your theme song? What song represents how you want to be, your aspirational song? (I'm every woman? Strong Enough?) Something you can sing in your head while you blank out irritations...

carolan78

Well done Juliff, even if DD1 takes it badley now she will come to realise with time hun so don't worry. I would urge you again to try get your daughters some for of councilling to help them through it too xx

Primrose

Julliff - stand firm and don't lose your courage now. You will NOT lose your kids. If your OH is emotionally trying to hurt you by whinging over the cost of some decking he's just paid out for, for his home, can you really see him, despite all his outpourings about the children, wanting to have them live with him and take on full financial responsibility for them. You just have to remind yourself that your OH is using emotional blackmail/abuse to try and hold onto you because he has not tried to build a loving relationship which would want you stay together for that reason alone. Remember that Emotional Abuse or blackmail is just as damaging as physical abuse in the damage it can cause and for the sake of your well being and that of the children, you now have to complete what you have started. It will be hard but your OH has to take responsibility for his behaviour over a long time. Nobody has put a pistol to his head and forced him to behave in this manner. Chickens usually eventually always come home to roost.

Zazen999

Remember your DDs are not able to see the bigger picture; in time they will but you have been watching his manipulation for a while now....and are able to see it for what it is.

vandanfc

Hi

Just wanted to say well done on taking the plunge and telling him. It might not seem like the right thing to do now that he is undermining you again, but give it time and you will come to realise that you have done the right thing for you and your daughters.

You won't have lost them, they may struggle to understand, especially if OH makes you out as the baddy, but once the 3 of you are living together without him, they will see how good things can be.

Keep strong. You are never alone with all of us here for you.

Hugs and posotive vibes being sent your way.

Vanda

julliff

I have today seen a two bedroomed flat which is within walking distance from our house, and on the girls school route.

I am prepared to give him enough to cash buy this flat. If the equity is more, them I will give him remainder, if it is less, then I will not worry. That way he can see the kids every day. It is a two bedroom so he could have the girls to stay over.

Will probably need to move fast if he accepts this proposition. It is quite cheap, so it is probably a fixer-upper. But he does have DIY skills.
He will have somewhere to live,no mortgage, and will not lose his foot on the property ladder.


Does this seem like a reasonable proposition.

Will talk to him later.

Dinah93

Would you not be better to let him choose his own place as he might fight against you telling him where to live given what you have previously said? This might tick all the right boxes but he has to make his own decision where he lives now. I presume this place would be bought outright? I think you need to discuss this option with the solicitor.

MrsAnnie

Nooooooooooooooo...don't do this!!!

You need to get out of the mind set that you need to take care of him.

He is an adult and he is going to have to learn that he needs to fend for himself. I realise that you are suggesting this with the very best of intentions, but you need to learn to let go. Your priority is getting yourself and your DDs back on track, not the man you are in the process of divorcing.

Is the money your savings, his or joint? If it is his give it to him and let him spend it as he sees fit. If it is yours, keep it! If it is joint then divide appropriately.

Good Luck!