Am I too controlling over money?

julliff

Hi all

Wedding anniversary passed without remark, so that was good. All that worrying.

However, things have got into such a mess, I feel physically sick.

This pm I recieved an email from my BIL saying that another BIL came round and was broadcasting about OH & me divorcing.

Well, last Sunday I went to see eldest sister, and confided in her,even that I had seen a solicitor. She thought I was making some sort of announcement (I dont know why because I got her on her own, and made sure the kids did not come in), and told her OH. They then decided it would be better to tell their kids (their DS is the same age as mine, and they go to school together) in case my two said something to him. Added to that their DD is at uni, but chats to my DD1 on Facebook (in fact they are doing that now). My heart is in my mouth. I have emailed her, but she has lost her mobile phone, so I cant ring her.

I feel terrible that stuff affecting my kids is being passed around, before they even know. I have really let them down.

I am a really private person, and this is killing me.

I hae not even told OH yet FGS!!

when I contacted my sister, she was mortified - but I'm afraid it is done now. I no longer have control of the situation,and it is killing me.

I have to say her OH is a stirrer, and no way did I want him to know. I obviously did not make that clear.

I just dont know what to do. All I can do is cry. I thought I would get some support, and I have just made things a million times worse. I should have kept my own counsel.

Why, why, why did I do it.

Brighton_belle

I feel sick on your behalf Juliffe. You were entitled to seek support and solace form your sister. The crossed wired were clearly not deliberate but I understand why you are berating yourself.

Can I suggest that you tell your girls the truth if this blows up in your face? Tell them that you spoke in confidence to your sister - grown ups are entitled to seek kindness and support from other grownup, and that your sister didn't understand that you were just explaining what MIGHT happen and how you felt, but that aunty so and so slightly misunderstood. You can then promise that from now on, you will ensure that they will be the first to know of any change in any arrangements/ etc. Say you made a mistake, but it wasn't deliberate.

Poor you - you are doing your very best Juliffe, you really are.

carolan78

Hugs, all I can suggest is you tell oh and the girls this weekend before they find out elsewhere. You can get through this you have come so far and through so much worse. I think what the councillor was saying about magnification isn't just happening with your relationships with DD it is with everything to do with this.

Look at the wedding anniversary hun you were worrying aout it and dreading it and in the end you didn't need to worry. Who knows it may help your DD1 come to terms with it once she accepts there is no chance of reconsiliation. I do think you need to be more honest with her about the marriage from your point of view and why you no longer want to be in the marriage. It will help her understand your not the bad guy xx

Emmzi

juliffe, it was out of order for her, but it may have done you a favour in forcing your hand to discuss it. now, you *have* to get it over with.

thinking of you
xx

julliff

Hello all,

Thanks for your replies. I have decided that I am going to tell OH tomorrow night. This is because I have an appointment with the counsellor tomorrow, so I am hoping I will feel able, after talking to her.

Most of the time I just feel I am seething with resentment – he is eating the food I buy, using electricity that I pay for, and makes no attempt to contribute, get a job etc. Most of the time I can’t watch anything on the sky box, as he is always in there, usually with the kids, or if not, watching the crime channel. I even overheard hime saying to the kids that they had to watch some of the films on the planner, as they were taking up too much room!! Like it is anything to do with him. – I pay, its in my name, and he keeps recording things and leaving them on there. If I suggest deleting them it “Oh, no, Dad wants that – don’t be mean”.

Also, last weekend he took DD2 to town to spend money on her,to make up for her not going to Ireland. Now while I think that he should spend some money on her (otherwise he would only be spending it at the pub), I resent that DD2 is so,so grateful – look what my lovely Daddy bought me. I just get the unglamorous tasks of keeping a roof over their heads, feeding them – buying and cooking, and generally being the only parent. Sorry if I sound moany, but I am cheesed off.

AND, I will still be the bad guy when poor Dad loses his home – well he wont really, as he will get a settlement – it is up to him as an adult to take responsibility for himself. Just wish I could say that to the kids.

MrsAnnie

:grouphug:
Hi there Julliff, I have not posted here for a while: I have been silently routing for you. But sending you a big hug tonight... I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. But remember...this too shall pass...

Chin up, take care of yourself and stay strong
Annie x

Brighton_belle

I don't think you are being moany Juliffe: these are legitimate reasons to be hacked off. It really is unjust.
It is great to see you not lying down and taking it to be honest and I mean that totally respectfully - I do not under estimate the courage it takes to face up to these issues rather than sweep them under the carpet for a quiet (but miserable) life.

Hope your C session goes well and you feel you can take that next step forward.

Primrose

I hope your counselling goes well and gives you some strength to keep moving on. Once things are out in the open you can hopefully have an ongoing discussion with your children about the future in a way that gives them sufficient confidence to feel that even if things are bad now, you are taking the steps to ensure that in the longer term they will have a better, less unhappy family environment.

Dinah93

How did it go Juliff?

GSXRCarlos

Hey Julliff,

Just caught up on your thread, you're doing great.

Your children will come to realise it one day, but right now you're doing the best you can.

One thing i will say is that your thread has given me cause to look at my own life and past relationships differently. I have done some of the things your husband has done (not intentionally, and certainly not to the same extent) so your thread is helping me too ;o)

Let us know where you're up to