Am I too controlling over money?

Zazen999

If it is any consolation, I suspect DD1 would be just as horrid about something completely different if you were getting along with hubby.

Same !!!!!! - different subject.

Stick with the future program.......You AND your DDs deserve it, even if one of them doesn't quite know it yet.

julliff

You, on the other hand, are clearly not pathetic. Enjoy your bath.
MsB

Blimey, he's coming on. It must have used up at least 20 calories for him to press that button!
You, on the other hand, are clearly not pathetic.
MsB

that really made me laugh - thanks.

DD1 did not speak to me yesterday evening, and then she went out to guides. To be honest, I did not make much of an effort to talk to her, I just find it to emotionally distressing and exhausting.

Anyway, this morning, DD2 came up crying because she had asked DD1 to speak to me, and DD1 said not until I apologise. DD2 finds it really hard to cope with the atmosphere and feels sick with it all. Poor her,.

So, I went downstairs to try to work things out. DD1 said she was really upset because I gave DD2 a lift and not her, even though she was feeling unwell (I did know this because she wanted her pocket money to buy some soothers). Anyway, I said I was sorry, but she had upset me by just being so hostile. We sort of smoothed things out, but not really.

I said that none of this is easy for me. She said it was was easier for me than for certain other people!!! I wanted to say – but your Dad is living the life of Rielly! It makes me really cross, but I didn’t show it. Why is it easier for me? Because I make an effort, and don’t just sit there?

I said, you know you said on holiday that we can’t go on like this, well, of course you are right, and things will have to change. She said – I made a mistake when I said that. And when you say that it proves to me that this is my fault. Oh, brother. I am just going to do the broken record thing with that – “It is not your fault – nothing you did or didn’t do, has caused this. It is between me and your Dad. We both love you, and always will”.

I also told her that yes I was irritated about the food, as I am trying hard to provide, and I haven’t had ANY money coming in since July.

Anyway, there is an uneasy truce – I think.

I am going to try REALLY hard not to react in future. So, so hard.

I am also trying to prepare myself that she will want to go and live with her Dad. It may even be easier – she seems to be picking up where OH left off!

I am struggling

Dinah93

Just take it one day at a time Juliff, you can't second guess what she'll do, but her dad is showing no signs of changing so even if she does choose to go with him to some grotty flat, I doubt she'll stay long when he can't afford food or heating!

Zazen999

Yup....what Dinah said. Stay with the program!!!

Primrose

Julliff - from what your say about your daughter, in the short term it may be no bad thing if she decides she wants to go and live with her dad, even if it would be a hurtful decision to you. Teenagers can be very selfish as far as their own personal interests are concerned and if she does move out, she will very quickly discover on which side her bread has really been buttered. She will probably find that your OH will expect her to replace you as the domestic servant, and as he is earning no money, her financial needs won't be catered for either. I think this will be the point when the scales start to fall off her eyes and from your viewpoint, this self-realisation will be a 100% better vindication than anything you could achieve by flagging up your OH's character deficits. So keep up with the broken record process. It may be difficult but you will get there in the end.

Emmzi

juliffe, that sounds like a really good chat - considerate but honest

Lexxx

Juliffe,
I can relate to alot of things that you are going through, and believe me, you are coping alot better than you think,

I have read all of this thread and there are alot of wonderful people on this forum who have given some great advice.

Emmzi is right about being popuplar/liked and being a parent of a teenager...aint gonna work, what you are doing and have always done is for the good of your family, please dont forget that, even though, half the family is trying to gilt trip you into thinking otherwise

msb5262 broken record technique is a good one..... saying something like,

'i promise you it will all work out in the end, I love you, Your dad loves you, we just have issues we are working through right now'

is also a good line to use, so that you dont get into all the details with daughters, just keep repeating it and giving them a good hug, will help your daughters of you and it will almost become a mantra and you will start believing it.

I would also like to suggest some sort of journal that you can write in everyday, just to release it all, it feels so much better onces you have it all out. And in that journal at the end of every day, write 3 things that you can do for yourself the following day. it can be really silly simple things, but they have to be to benefit YOU and YOU alone, like
going for a 20 min walk, working out on wii, bubble bath, filing nails, reading book, window shopping, M&S cheesecake dessert...( my favourite)

if 3 day is not feasible, try 1 or 2 things a day...remember they have to be for you...do not involve daughters

and one last thing, cry, cry, cry and keep crying, nothing wrong with it, its a stress relief and it make you feel better....and i am sure i read somewhere that it burns calories:p

julliff

thanks again to you all

Lexx, I love what you have typed as a response. I have been trying to memorise it, for the future.

Things pretty calm tonight - DD1 being OK ish. DD2 fretting about me - keeps asking me if I am ok.

On a practical note, spoke to solicitor and asked her to go ahead and draft a letter saying that I intend to divorce. I am really scared, but she is not going to send the letter until I have seen it and discussed it with her.

I would like to tell OH before letter, but dont quite know how to do it. I would rather be civilised about it, but whio knows how he will react.

Solicitor said about putting something in the letter about leaving kids out of it. I am not sure about his, as when she said it, it wasalong the lines of he has been involving the kids and he should stop (not couched in those words, but generally saying that).

Thinking about this, I think this willbe counterproductive, as, knowing OH as I do, he will react badly to this, deny it, and play the wronged victim. Probably better if I say to him, "we should not invovle the kids" more like it is a suggestion, rather than an accusation.

Solicitor has also said theyhave divorce counsellors - I am definitely going to look into this, as I need someone to help me through this. As half of the people in this house are trying to manipulate me, hopefully the cousellor can tell me how to deal with this, and stay sane.

I am saying this, because, reading back through my posts, I felt really strong, until DD1 turned on the pressure. I am not bothered about OHs games, becuse I dont care about him, but my daughter, that is a much more difficult one to cope with.



Once again , thank you

Money_maker

Julliff, I'm afraid I have no useful advice to give but just wanted to show my support and say how amazing and strong you have been so far. Don't feel too down about your DD1, I have a teen son and he can be soooooooooo difficult sometimes - and that's without your situation.

It does sound as though it will get very messy, am sure your OH will manipulate the girls whatever but there will come a stage where they can see how things really are/were. May take a while..

I have great admiration for you and am glad that you are reclaiming your life rather than watch it slip away. Keep strong and all will be well in the end x

BTW, ring up and get Sky switched off NOW!

BitterAndTwisted

I think your eldest daughter is very, very fearful and that's part of the reason why she is being so beastly to you. Also, your husband is very obviously manipulating her: he's already been playing the wronged victim and she's doing everything in her power to try to preserve the status quo because she's terrified. He's being very selfish, terribly cruel and despicably manipulative to confide in her in this way: it's not her marriage, it's yours! She's not emotionally equipped to be used as a piggy-in-the-middle and it's unspeakably unfair of him to use her in this way.

As for the letter how about something along the lines of "I don't think it would be appropriate for us to disclose any details of our relationship with the girls as I don't believe they're old or mature enough to fully understand why this is happening" or something, Not accusing him, not warning him , just a concern for your daughters' emotional well-being. Even he couldn't argue with that without appearing to be a completely immature and selfish !!!!!!.