Am I too controlling over money?

Brighton_belle

3 cheers for your mum Juliffe:T. It is great to read you are getting that type of support. So pleased for you and your dd's.

Their dad's behaviour makes me very cross - 'the silent treatment' from any parent is to me abusive and appalling. You can only continue to offer your love and care to them as you are doing so well. You are not responsible of course for how he treats them. It must be very hard to carry the reponsibility for all the true parenting.

I think it is ok for dd1 to maybe be a little in denial if she is - it took you time to adjust your head to the idea and it probably would be hard for her to voice the 'when we are living apart' even though she knows what is going on.

I'm glad I shared my friends experience with you. You ask if it took long to reach that point. Their journey had a number of ups and downs before it reached this point and I won't give a time line as every one's story will be individual. All her children (4) found it difficult, but the other 3 came round much quicker.

You seem to be doing really well - which is great when you consider how much you were understandably dreading the 'telling'.

As someone else as said - your solicitor will have experience of what happens next.

Keep going Juliffe. Wer're rooting for you

julliff

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your messages of support. It never fails to humble me how great the people on here are, taking the time to post such warm messages to someone they don't know! :A

Feeling abit flat today.

DD1 has been poorly the last few days, but seems to be on the mend now. She has spent two whole days with OH looking after her. It brought back an ugly memory to me. About six years ago, we had an extension put on our house. It was a big build, and the back of the house had to come down. The place was thick with brick dust for weeks.

during that time I became ill, and had take some time off work. Looking back, it was probably worse, becuse of all the dust, and I could barely breath,

Anyway, OH came home at lunch time, and instead of coming upstairs to see if I was OK, he went to make the builders a cup of tea ( no tea for me).

When I look back, it makes me sad that I was so unimportant, like a nothing. Like when I had my appendix out, and I asked OH if he was going to arrange some transport to bring me home (hospital didnt want to discharge me without a chaperone) and his response was to say "can't you just come on the bus?"

I never felt cherished. I suppose I must have thought that was all I deserved.



If OH sudddenly became the best man in the world, nothing could bring me back from the empty feeling I have now.


Sorry, sometimes I dont feel strong. I just feel numb. :sad:

Brighton_belle

Don't be sorry Juliffe - painful as it is, sometimes we need to revisit these painful memories to understand them fully and have a chance of eventually moving on. It is sad, that's why you feel it. Feeling numb is horrible: it's all part of the shock of revelation, of waking up fully to the truth. It does get better, honestly; but you are learning to value an cherish yourself and that is good. Sending (((hugs)))
This is why you are divorcing your OH - it's apositive step in cherishing yourself, and also it demonstrateds to your dd's that in a partnership/marriage they should expect to be cherished.

I too find it heartwarming that people take the time to care: there are a lot of lovely people around. And I suspect many of us are merely passing own what we have been given in the past. Just as you will when you are through all this. One day - you'll be the perfect person to offer comfort and hope to someone else going through what you have been these last few months.

consultant31

As with any loss, with the ending of a marriage, I'm sure that you and your daughters will suffer the 5 stages of grief.

They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.

It seems to me that you are well on your way through these stages now and the only way is up, so keep your chin up :j

msb5262

I totally agree with Brighton Belle's words - you are letting yourself feel this hurt from the past now so you can remember why you are now divorcing your OH. I went through the same thing; having frozen my feelings at the time, I found they thawed out when we were separating and actually reminded me very strongly of what had been happening to me and why I wanted it to end. It's very painful but very necessary - a bit like waking up from an anaesthetic.
Keep grinding on - you're moving on a little every day.
Best wishes
MsB

julliff

hi all,

different emotions tonight.

Came upstairs and OH said: can you get the savings books out now. He has obviously spent the last of the redundancy money. I repeated again that it has to gothrough solicitor, but he said - I am not getting a solicitor.

Wel, I just feelerally sorry for him. Because he will not use the money to turn his life around. He will waste it, and end up with nothing. It is so sad. Suddenly, he seems just - incapable, and like a child.

Also, it is not the image I want mykids to have of him. I want him to make a life, but he is still looking at ebay! what is wrong with him?

17 years to get a house etc, and the money he will get will be wasted, and then he will have nothing.

Can I stand to see him do this?

Zazen999

Juliff - I know you are feeling crap about this. But - if it felt good then you wouldn't be a good person - if you see what I mean.

I think you can't stand to see him do this and will bail him out. I'd love you to prove me wrong! But, it's his choice and he isn't a baby with no feedback loop - he chooses every day to do the things he does and - I don't want to be harsh - he doesn't give two hoots about what it is doing to you or his family.

He certainly knows how to pull your strings, doesn't he?

evenasus

Juliff - I echo everything Zazen999 has said.

You really do have to put yourself and your girls first.
Please stay strong.
I'd love to log on here one day and find you posting about your happy and stress free new life.

julliff

Hi all

When will this all be over. Seems to be dragging on forever.

Last night when OH asked about splitting savings I told him that it had to be done through the solicitor. I repeated this twice.

DD1 was getting ready for bed, with her door open and heard. She came in and said “don’t discuss this while I am up you guys”. We weren’t shouting or anything. Anyway, this morning she did not come out of her room. I went to say goodbye to her, and she seemed in a mood. I asked her what is wrong, and she said:

“I should not have to hear those things. Talking at the top of your voices I am 14 FGS”.

I said, I am sorry, but it was hardly at the top of my voice. I did not do it on purpose, and I did not bring the subject up”

DD1 replied:”That’s right, blame Dad – that makes you seem like a really small person”

And so back round the circle we go. I feel so trapped.

julliff

I'd love to log on here one day and find you posting about your happy and stress free new life.

thank you, but that seems such a long way off.