A new start for Mooloo

Errata

oh dear - just what you didn't need.
Is it really time for you to walk away? If I'm remembering correctly, this is what the Twins father has told you to do, so have your parents, so has Biggest, so has your BF. They know you and we don't. Of course, they will view things a little differently to you, but as they're all saying the same thing then perhaps they're all calling it right.
Any grandma would struggle coming to a decision. You enjoy writing and getting things down in black and white, so I'm wondering if you can do that as two separate pieces of writing - best case scenario and worst case scenario. Would that help to clarify your thinking for you? HTH

gizmo111

Mooloo wrote: »

I get your point. Remember that I did bring up 3 under 3 myself. Two of them with ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia and autism, and went on to have a fourth child not many years later.
I know my limitations. I also know that I have been looking at it all from every dam angle I can.
I am putting all of my thoughts down, as I do know that all of you out there may not know me personally, but if you have been tagging along, you will know me well enough, by my personality being laid bare for all to see.

I have to cover all angles or I would not be me.
I have to fight as long as I can, or I would not be me.
I have to be positive as I can, or I would not be me.

Life is all too negative and that is so depressing.
I dont give a dam if they do not have the funding.
I would do all I can for the family, until I am finally told, its too late and there is nothing that I can do about it. Until it is completely out of my control.

DS and DGD get my attention., probably why I am trying to look at the situation again. DS request.
DGD will always get the attention that she needs from me. As do all of my children. Dispite DS being portrayed as not getting my attention. He does. He is just quiter and not demanding, and never has been. But when we do manage our talks, he is conversant, and puts his opinions forward.
He said that he would rather have been brought up by a single mum then be put into the care system. He has friends who are lost soles becuase of the care system.

Sorry Gizmo, but I do not trust the care system, you are right. No I dont want the boys to stay in foster care, and if we as a family are not able to meet thier needs, then yes they need to be adopted. But that is the last choice.
We do not want to loose them, Twin2 doesnt want to loose them. My mother is 76 and is heart broken that this is happening and that they have been denyied access to their great grandsons.
My father is 78 and is willing to help me with my granddaughter, and loves her to bits. Why do the boys have to be denied this love from all of us.
There are a lot of children being brought up by the extended family. With no sign of the social services. Its just dealt with within.

I feel gutted at the moment. Dispite all the oposition, I am only trying to find a solution.

For all.

When the LA tell me. I cannot have them, and Mother cannot have them. Then I will be the most broken hearted woman there can be.

Yes I will survive, but I will always have a dull spot.

Got to go nnow. We are late

I know further on down the thread you are saying that there is problems at twin2's again - but I urge you get details of the guardian from her so you can have some meaningful contact with the boys in your own home. The guardian will happily talk to the extended family and keep contact going.

The questions you ask above, I get asked every day, and one of your grandchildren is being cared for successfully by extended family. Please see if you can make any sort of relationship with the boys other grandmother and see if there is any possibilty they can do it for the boys. You mention that your son has lost souls in the care system and I agree it is not ideal, but the whole point of SG and adoption is that children are no longer in the care system but have permenancy plans with carers who are legally, morally and financially responsible for them.

I have PM'd you my e-mail so I don't put any personal info on here again.
Sorry x

One thing I have forgot to mentions is a Family Group Conference.

If you can get the paperwork from twin2 then I am more than happy to read it and I think you may have a chance of becoming party to proceedings due to twin2 learning difficulties.

The guardian is key to the outcome.

Molly41 wrote: »

Mooloo has read some very negative posts which seem to have been deleted now and had a very difficult PM to read so I can understand why she is feeling very upset and angry. I know Mooloo personally and know what a remarkable woman she is and I want her to know that I will support her whatever happens. There is no right and wrong way but there is Mooloo's way and we all have to respect her and support her in whatever she needs to do in order to manage this very difficult situation. Just like there are no flies on DGD so there are no flies on Mooloo and she has her eyes open - she knows the odds are stacked against her and her family but still she is fighting and that takes true courage.

Hi Molly,
I'm assuming you mean my PM that I posted on thread first and then removed and PM'd. I just want to make it clear that this in no way was meant to hurt or be negative to Mooloo but I was putting how it would be viewed in social work and guardian terms and what to expect the substance of the case to be. I want to make it clear that I will help Mooloo in any way I can if there is a chance of keeping the boys in the family, and if there isn't then I admire her fight and courage in trying so hard. She is already doing an admirable job with DGD under difficult circumstances, sibling rivalry and very little practical support, and I know she values your freindship very much.
In retrospect I should never have posted on a public forum the detail I did and I apologise, but I very often forget that this is a public forum, most of the time it feels like a few freinds supporting Mooloo through very difficult times and using our knowledge and expereince to help her through. I sincerely hope nobody thought that I changed that support because of the perceived harshness/reality of my post.

Savvy_sewing

I have tried to keep my family together as you all know.
I don't want to walk away, and be a failure as a mother/grandmother.
I battle for them, when I can. But I am beginning to think that they really are on a different planet then me, and they should really have been in care themselves!! I dont mean taken off of me as a child. But that they are vunerable young adults and they really are in danger out there. They are also now dragging me into that danger zone.
Why what would have happened if I had arrived and been beaten up? With DGD in the background? If she hadnt been ill, and asleep, I would have had her in the car with me!. It doesnt bare thinking about.

I have just managed to get hold of DS, who is with the eldest son of this family. So we have had another version of what was supposed to have happened been said etc. Not good.l So childish, and so imature of the adults too. no sense and not very intelligent way to deal with things at all. Wonder who had their little children while they were there? Or would they too have been witnesses to thier parents beating up someone?

I think that I have gone around and around in circles for the past 3 years now.
What good have I done in the end?
Worried, become ill, lost my job, moved out of the safety of a council home and moved areas, put distance between my BF and myself for my family, and what do they do? Reward me with all of this C**P. Will it ever change? Probably not.

Yes Errata you are right, I have been told to walk away before. Told to look after myself and now DGD, and DS.
Well I cannot look after DS if he is with this family. All I can do is hope and pray that when we get to the new house, he is able to meet other people and find his way in a different direction.
The twins need to grow up, but havent. But I dont seem to be able to do anything to get them help, and or becuase of thier rights etc etc.

I really am feeling pretty "beaten" now anyway.
Biggest of Mooloo would not have said what she did if she didnt mean it.
Perhaps she was what I was needing. She is the only otherone who has mostly been in this fight to raise the twins, protect them, and spur them on. She is the one who was my right hand at home dealing with them. She had to grow up becuase of them.
I am not surprised that she has threatened to walk away, and disown them.
But can I? Can I walk away, and give up? At the moment I cannot get away from Twin1 and her contact with DGD.
But she is also as bad as twin2 with this family. She even was there when I got the phonecalls earlier and yet she still was later in this girls BF's car.
They just do not understand.

sorry this is probably very disjointed. I am angry now. I wasnt before. I was assertive in my thoughts. But now, if its only me, who is going to be left holding the babies etc I am not sure that I could do it unless we were a united family. If that bond is finally blown appart then I could nt do the boys justice.

Time is running out and the thoughts are flying around in my head. Well on here through my fingers. Think my typing has got back up to about 80words a minute!! maybe more. I am having to go back over the odd bits and check the spelling as the laptop tends to not register someof the letters that I press.

I have a terrible headache now, not to mention the tension in my neck and shoulders. The spoons for today are nearly burnt up I suppose. think I may be borrowing some from tomorrow.
DGD is watching the TV, and its pointless trying to put her to bed yet, as she was asleep till around 5 ish.
so the last 3 1/2 hours this problem has surfaced, upset the status quo and reminded me that twin2 probably is not ready to have her boys back. That hurts me to write. But Biggest is right.
I cannot keep going to the rescue. Physically or financially. I cannot keep up the fight and care for DGD, and be as fit as possible for her and DS.
(I fear that DS is deep within this family. I have managed to talk to him through someone elses phone. He is not "getting involved with the twins arguements" which is good, but its just saddens me that this family has managed to split ours up.).
Have I lost DS now? When we move will he actually come home or is it too late.?

No I mustnt think like that.
I knew that I had until Monday to make my decisions as to how I was to support twin2, and if i should go forward for the boys.

You have all pointed out the problems to me. Gizmo has been very helpful.
I think that the decision has been made for me.
I cannot fight for the boys to come to me. They will not have the best quality of life. My love is not going to be enough to carry them through. I will have to make a book for them, and give them a book to have if they come looking for me in the future.
Lets face it , i can put exactly what I am thinking down on paper, so that should be pretty easy to do. And as I have said before my parents have the family tree, going back to something like 5,000 names on it.
They can have the information about thier background if they come looking.

Twin2 has not got her priorities right, and dispite all that she tells me, she is still a little girl in an adults body. That is not fair for the boys either is it? She appears to understand. She looks as if she understands, and says that she does. But really .... no she doesnt.

My BF is right, that they are using me, (even if they dont knwo that they are). How much of it can I support.?
What kind of life would I be giving DGD?
She deserves a happy upbringing without a granny who is knackered, stressed to the eyeballs and pulled in every direction.
It doesnt matter how strong i am, something is going to give if I dont come to the right conclusions.

Thanks everyone for all the imput and the well wishes. I feel gutted that I have just run out of fight so fast!.
My poor boys dont deserve the crap.

Errata

You must be feeling totally capsized by all this.
From all that you've written in the past, the Twins don't 'get it' and they may never 'get it' completely, and that could result in all manner of horrors for their children in the future. Your boys deserve the best future possible, they've had a very rough start. Ensuring that they have the best future is how you show your love for them; doing that will mean you have succeeded, not failed them. My thoughts are with you.

ifonlyitwaseasier

Mooloo, i wish i could do something to help you out so that you'd have the help and support you need so that you could take on the boys as well.

i hope that if it comes to it they find a family who can take care of them and love them as much as you so obviously do.

sending you all the hope i can

ioiwe

( sat here crying cos i feel so helpless)

Savvy_sewing

Errata wrote: »

You must be feeling totally capsized by all this.
From all that you've written in the past, the Twins don't 'get it' and they may never 'get it' completely, and that could result in all manner of horrors for their children in the future. Your boys deserve the best future possible, they've had a very rough start. Ensuring that they have the best future is how you show your love for them; doing that will mean you have succeeded, not failed them. My thoughts are with you.

I feel that I have wasted my life trying!
I feel steamrollered into submission.
I feel devistated that it has come full circle, and I cannot solve the problems.

But at least I think that I have found my answers.
My twins will never grow up. They cannot care for themselves so therefore ultimately I am not being fair to the boys if I let them go back into that world. I am also right to care for DGD and keep her out of it as well.
that therefore means that Twin2 is going to have a very lonely life, if she continues to mess up.
I am not going to walk away completely and pull away her rug. Becuase she will need me, when the case comes to light.
But I am not superwoman and i cannot help her with these wars.

Twin1 needs to find her own friends and stay out of the mess that her sister drags her into.

biggest needs to care for herself and her bump and i must not off load the other problems on her or she will be lost to me too. She has already had a lot of tough news on her return from america and she will be going back there if I am not careful!!

My strength and positivity is gone tonight.
I will get it back but not tonight.

jackieglasgow

It's not giving up or admitting defeat, its making a strong decision to do what's best for them, and not making your own feelings about it your main concern. That's an amazing thing for any mother to do, do not ever doubt what you have done for any of your children or grandchildren, you can only do what you can do, as can any of us, and you've done it all with the best of intentions. As a mother of an ASD child, I and probably many others out there am in complete awe of what you have managed so far, particularly as a single parent for all these years and a person with limited physical capabilities, do not underestimate what you have achieved. x

thorsoak

Mooloo, you have had an absolutely dreadful day - but thank heavens that it has all blown up now, and not later on when you might have volunteered to take on the boys as well as Twin2.

The family from hell that seems to have wrapped itself completely around your two girls - and looks to be sucking DS in as well - would have been in and out of your house causing mayhem and confusion with the little ones - and you would not have had the peaceful house that you, DGD and DS deserve - let alone the boys

Unfortunately, we cannot hold onto our children and mould them into the people that we would like them to be - all we can do is show them as good an example of how to live as we can - you've obviously done that - look at how biggest Mooloo has turned out - and you've taught all your children about the strength of family ties - look how they turn to you and each other for strength - so you have done the best job you can for your beloved twins. As they grow up - and I know that they are going to take forever to grow up - but you have given them a good basic grounding.

And now you are doing the same for DGD. The boys may still be adopted into your extended family - as Gizmo says - sometimes at the 11th hour, someone completely unexpectedly comes along. If not, they will have the chance to have the same type of loving upbringing that might not be possible if you were to try and take them in with the situation you have described. You can most definitely write - and your boys will know where they have come from, and how much love goes with them.

But you do have other things to look forward to - your new home - with or without DS - and I think if you make it a tranquil, welcoming space, he will return : you have a new grandchild to welcome at the end of the spring - and you know that Biggest Mooloo will make a wonderful mum, and will welcome your help and support - and you'll be able to enjoy this grandchild with the exquisite enjoyment of a granny - who can cuddle, fuss, kiss and love the baby - and confidently hand him/her back to mummy!

Stay strong Mooloo - we are all here wishing you well, giving you strength and prayers for the strength to carry on.

{{more gentle hugs}}

minimoneysaver

Mooloo, you mustn't look at it a defeat, but giving the boys a chance of a better, stable life with loving caring parents who have had to work really hard to be in a position to adopt two beautiful boys. They will go off to their new lives armed with information about their past and their family. They will learn that their grandmother loved them very much... so much so that she did the right thing by them and let them go off to their new lives. Lots of love and hugs to you Mooloo. Be brave & strong.

Savvy_sewing

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Mooloo, you mustn't look at it a defeat, but giving the boys a chance of a better, stable life with loving caring parents who have had to work really hard to be in a position to adopt two beautiful boys. They will go off to their new lives armed with information about their past and their family. They will learn that their grandmother loved them very much... so much so that she did the right thing by them and let them go off to their new lives. Lots of love and hugs to you Mooloo. Be brave & strong.

Thankyou all for those kind words.
I have just come up to bed sneaked the laptop up but not its lead, as DGD was shouting why hadnt I come up. I usually am up just after her.
I have been on the telephone to twin2's BF. Whether it was right of me or not. I have been honest with him. (twin2 was in bed asleep). I have basically read out some of the points that are against Twin2, and that I think that if/when the case is finished in May, that he would be better off taking twin2 away from here, and taking her with him back to wales, if he thinks that their relationship is strong enough. I think that the family from hell, who have destroyed many families friend and neighbours over the years, will destroy them. Especially as the girl is pregnant. i can just see the taunts of how she has a baby and how twins dont etc.
He said that he was already thinking along those lines.
I said that it was not going to destract from my supporting her through it, but that I cannot support her to keep them, i.e. provide the support to sustain her keeping them. That it would not be such a good life for the boys. That she is going to need his support and that a new start after this would be best.
If the tests come back negative. I also think that it may be better to move there where nobody knows about the boys in the first place. (except his mum).

I also told him that I will not be going forward for the boys, as it would be too much for me and that I am needed for DGD. That if this family and all thier messing had caused me harm, DGD would have ended up in care, and I would loose her aswell. That I have grown very attatched to her over the last year, and it would destroy me to loose her now. So becuase of that I cannot take the risks. Also for that reason, I will not be able to come running to help twin2 if its to do with this family again.
They are supposed to be going to collect the last of thier things at 11.30 tomorrow. He wanted to know if twin1 would be there to help, and I said no she shouldnt be as she is supposed to be at Stay and Play with DGD. Infact I am supposed to have been picking her up around then. So it looks like twin2 will have to open the door to them herself. He said that if she puts the laptop on the table facing the door, it will record it all, and they have evidence to give to the police. Twin2 was so scared, (see her age again), she called the police and they are on alert from around 10am tomorrow, incase.
Bearing in mind the police know this family well.
Alas the eldest son, who my DS is tied up with, was arrested last night for fighting? and only released on bail this morning.
Its just not looking very good now is it.

Now I am really and truely exhausted. I am going to say good night and thanks for all the support.
I hope exhaustion will let me sleep, and that DGD will settle so I can.