A new start for Mooloo

gizmo111

Ah I see in previous post you mentioned the 8th Nov - who gave you that date? But the physcologist will take months, so no way can it be a final decision date from the family.

Savvy_sewing

Right, I have taken DS to the bus stop, he has his passes and his wallet this time.
I mentioned to him that I had a terrible night, trying to work it all out etc and let him know that I hadnt dismissed it. (Well I have been trying to think about it since Friday, but this kept me up half the night. I had to put the light on, and start to write in my diary to try and get it off of my mind!.
I have again had to be up extremely early. 5.50 to be able to get my self moving and leave at 7am to get him to the bus.
Thats one thing I would not be able to do if we had 3 little ones to get ready! I would never be in bed!

I suppose once again, its my heart trying to rule my head and my head is fighting back. With the we could try this/ or that, this would or that wouldnt work. We tried it before and all of the myriad of thoughts that put in my position I have had.
My ex husband didnt take that long to come back to me, and say NO. But he hasnt seen that much of them anyway. so its easier for him.

Why am I deliberating, and trying still?
If they were a few years older I would have tried. But while DGS2 is now only 9 months old, he is very big, heavy and that would do me in.
If we had stayed in the big house, and Twin2 had listened to me, I could have supervised etc and kept the family together. But to try and go back to that situation now,? 18 months later, is not something that I can take on lightly.
It would mean passing up the security of a social housing place.
It would mean taking on the boys and DGD, and the mums and any BF's.
Sounds more like running a commune! Except the master would probably not get any of the benefits, and none of them would be listening to the preachings either!

If only's will not help.
what is practical, what is possible, and what is acceptable are the things that courts and solicitors, social services etc would be interested in.

I could support Twin2 and her BF keeping the boys if we were to put a careplan in place that we could all agree on.
I still support them in many ways as it is now.
But I fear that the SS will not allow us to even try. As I think Gizmo has mentioned, what if it failed,then the boys would be let down again, and then have even more disruption to thier lives.

I have thought about so much and so many different senario's. But I keep coming up with the fact that it all will boil down to ME in the end. Am I going to be fit enough to lift DGS2? Are there otherways of dealing with his care?
If I was disabled and a mother, would the careplans allow for a "nanny" or equivalant to help me. I dont mean someone who took the sole control of the children, but someone who would work along side me.
Could Mum come and work alongside me? Would she?

I have already got the beginnings of a careplan where they are allowing me funding to help with caring for DGD at the end of the day. So that is possible. Would it be possible at the beginning of the day? Getting everyone up and dressed?

DS has to be encouraged to stay at college and to get on in life. He is, to be commended to have such a strong opinion, but of course as mentioned its not practical, if he will still not wash up, do his own washing, or mow the lawn without me becoming completely exasperated.

I did also wonder if he would then use it as an excuse to actually be able to leave home? That the boys would have his bedroom, so he would be justified in leaving earlier? Then I thought that was a bad thought of mine, and that he is nt that deceiptive.
I said to him why would twin2 listen to me this time if she didnt last time, and his reply was she would have him to deal with! Ohdear!.

Its not an easy position to say NO at the best of times. This is just so heartbreakingly awful.
I think I need to talk to Twin 2 and explain that the reasons I have tried to consider have all brought me up with a doubt. That we have to put the boys first.


I am going to see Molly later this morning, she is not very well to come out and about.
This afternoon there is a chap coming to quote for the cleaning of the cottage/carpets etc when i leave. I think that it will take the stresses out of life if someone can do it for me, and although it would eat up most of the deposit no doubt, I will not have to worry about the landlord or the next tenants.

jackieglasgow

Even if a care plan was in place for DD and the boys Mooloo, you need to look at all the What if scenarios. What if your health got worse and you couldn't offer the support you wanted? What if one or both of the boys turn out to have some sort of learning difficulty down the line? How could mother deal with that? I think you can only make one decision, hard though it is for you, and you should not feel bad about it. A lot of people half your age would struggle to parent three children under five, never mind having to also deal with what in effect, are three teenagers. You are only human, please remember that and be kind to yourself. X

whiteguineapig

i agree with jackie i couldn't have put it better
please try to look after yourself, try to slow down a bit

clairehi

Speaking as a total layperson here....

IF the boys were able to stay with foster parents until such time as a care package was put in place by SS that would enable you to cope with them, then could that work?

however, you would need a bigger house - which is not on the cards. giving up the security of the HA tenancy would be a major risk.

And does such a care package even exist? it seems from your previous experiences that SS are simply not able to provide the level of care to enable your DDs to be able to look after their own children, despite all the evidence that the girls are not able to cope. It therefore seems to me like a very remote possibility that SS would be able to fund and provide people to come in and help you out to the extent you would need. If you know otherwise, great.

Also, you could not rely on DS helping and it would not be fair on him. it is lovely that he wants the boys to stay in the family, but he is looking at this through the eyes of a child himself. its good that you have listened to him, but as you say this would be down to you alone.

if you had twin 2 coming to live with you, that would frankly create more work and aggro. how could you then refuse twin 1 a roof over her head? you would then be back in the position you were in just before you moved to the cottage, which was untenable.

I think you had got to a point when you had basically reconciled yourself to looking after DS and DGD, and SS have now rocked the boat unfairly by planting this idea in your head.

what worries me most though is that if you did take on the two boys as well, that you would be spread very thinly between them all and DS particularly could suffer as a consequence. he strikes me as a boy who is at a turning point in his life- he really needs some stability and nurturing right now to stick with college and not just drift into occasional casual work/unemployment. It didnt work out well last time he left home, bless him, did it.

I totally understand how heartbreaking this must be but I think you are right, this is a heart vs head situation here. could you risk your own health, sanity and that of DS and all 3 grandchildren, and end up with the boys possibly being put up for adoption anyway at a later date if/when you simply could not cope at all?
sorry if this sounds harsh.

Savvy_sewing

Well I am back earlier then expected, and just catching my breath.
DGD was sick in the car just as we arrived at Molly's house, so we had to turn around and come back, as she had been sick all down her clothes and the car seat.! Luckily Molly was able to lend me some towels and a washingup bowl to clear up as best I could.
Now I am waiting for the washing machine to finish and get the covers from the car seat through, and DGD's clothes.

Biggest of Mooloo has just landed.
I have mentioned the problems and have had to tell her that one of her collegues from the Coffee Shop that she helps run has committed Suicide, so thats really upset her now. But I didnt want the teenagers to tell her on Facebook, or any of the text messages etc to get to her.
I feel terrible telling her that as soon as she has landed and she didnt take it very well, so I feel a complete heal now. But she did say that she would rather have heard it from me than form anyone else.
Can life get more S*** then this at the moment.?

I have talked to my solicitor today, and he is getting the Social Services to confirm in writing that they will cover the costs of the application for Guardianship of DGD, and then we will proceed.

The Social Worker for DGD emailed me to tell me he is putting my invoices forward tomorrow. He then left a message to ring him? so I rang him. He said that it would be best for me to have Guardianship all tied up before I was to consider the option of taking on anything/body else. But of course thats not so easily done.

Just becuase I put myself forward would not mean that I would achieve the goal of keeping our boys home, but it would stop me from being ruled out now. I would have to go through all the assessments etc etc as I have had to with DGD. So the final decision would be down to the SS and the courts.
I will think about that, and see if its a point in plan to try.? I have the weekend to think about it all.
(advice from Solicitor here).

I understand that everyone is probably correct that things are totally against me, but I am Today, trying to think that perhaps I need a complete rethink about the family and its dynamics, its problems and the way forward to let the whole situation be looked at from all angles.

Yes my heart is currently ruling my head. But the battle is there and I cannot seem to switch off at the moment.

It is a pity that DGD has now been sick, as I didnt get my chat with Molly.
It will also put some jeopardy on our visit to see the boys tomorrow.
I am trying to get hold of Twin2 to make sure that she is still going to have the funds to go tomorrow by bus if I am not able to drive us. I will see how DGD is through the day and the night, but obviously if she is sick again etc then I cannot take her to see the boys.
That then gives me the choice of whether or not I could leave her with my parents, (if they could cope with her), so I can still go and see the boys, or whether to have to cancel.
Just when I think I could have done with giving the boys a big cuddle, and kisses and let them know that Granny loves them, so very very much.

I really am heart broken at the thought of them having to be adopted.
I really cannot see why they cannot stay with foster families and keep access to the rest of us, so that there is opportunities as they get older for them to be integrated back into the family, as they would not have lost access to the family.

I know that some of you are adopted and have had a good life, I do not doubt that they will have a good life, but I still think that we will not be part of it, and thats not something anyone should have to think about. Letterbox system or not.

Well I better stop now, I am going around in circles.
DGD is brightening up, she is now playing around the room again.

1more?

hi mooloo a long time lurker here

im sorry i have no advice but i just wanted to say your situation is heartbreaking, its sad just to read i cant imagine living it

ive recently had a baby and suffered spd, pelvic problems and was in near constant pain for 7months you have my sympathy, i have never been ill or in pain like that before and its debilatating & it nearly drove me insane thankfully mine has gone now i cant imagine what its like for you & others who suffer for years

i think your doing a fantastic job, good luck with the move & hugs to biggest & congrats
i hope dgd is better soon & that you both get to see her boys tomorrow
thinking of you 1more x

Savvy_sewing

jackieglasgow wrote: »

Mooloo, I know how hard this must all be, and my heart breaks for the situation you all find yourselves in, and how badly the system has let you down, but what if the boys were in foster care, and the situation of them returning home never became possible, either through DD's behaviour/abilities, or your own health? Those boys would have been raised with a permanent sense of the what if's, never quite belonging to their "parents" (if a long term family were to be found for them), but never being able to live with their family (and quite possibly feeling rejected by them, wrongly or rightly). There are also lote of statistics out there about the rate of deliquency especially in young men, who have been raised by the care system. Surely they deserve a permanent solution and a permanent safe and most of all secure home. I am really soryy if I have overstepped the mark, and I do not mean to sound cold or unfeeling for your own situation, I think you have done marvellously well with all of this, but sometimes there comes a time when you have to just say, "enough". x

I have taken on board what you are saying.
I didnt want them to stay with a foster family forever. Not in that sense. I suppose I was hopping that Mum and her BF could have more and more contact, and that with our support they could have them back at home. Thats the most ideal way.

I would prefer that they were given the chance, if we pick up where we know that she is weak. She loves her boys, and has proved it by travelling all that way every tuesday and thursday to see them, and going to all the court meetings etc.
Her lack of housekeeping skills could be compensated by a daily cleaner helping her. Maybe one hour a day, or every other day.
She could be reminded by the BF and with check lists, of the chores that should be done.
If the boys can go to a nursery occasionally, like my DGD does, then she could have time to catch up with chores that she may find difficult to do when they are around.
If we find a way of helping her with her budgeting, menu planning etc I do believe that in time it would be a routine she could follow.
She is a loving mum, she doesnt harm them. The worry was neglect becuase of the state of the house at the time, and the fact that her friends where inappropriate and hanging around.
She has got rid of all but one couple and has already told them that they really have to get out and find their own place etc. They are of course using her generosity. But I really believe that they will be gone sooner rather then later. As Twin2 really does want her children back. (more so then twin1 and DGD). When I spoke to her(twin1) yesterday, she was not keen to come home and help. She wants to carry on getting it right(wrong) on her own. Although to give her her due she is now getting herself up and off to college.

I really dont know what I will say or do. But at the moment I have to look to all the options that are available, and go through them and see if there is anything that we can come up with that would be suitable for the boys,and keep them, or if not then we can then hand on heart say we covered all the options and came up with the best.:(

shaz_mum_of__2

oh Mooloo ,yet more stress for you

I cant imagine what your going through but i think it's fair to say that the reality of twin 2's situation has hit home. I am sure you will figure out whats best for you all in the end , its obvious your family is important to you ......but no (wo)man is an island, and you know deep down you cannot do it all

love Shazxx

gizmo111

You have to be realistic about this and with my social work head on I'll explain how it will viewed if it was one of my cases. Sorry if it upsets you but this is what you'll be fighting, before we even know what the guardian and physcologist have to say. This is just rough and on what I know/can remember from the thread, but each point will be laboured. Have you got any information from the guardian yet? If he supports a return home with a package of support then you could be on to a winner.

Taken the advice of Jackieglasgow and PM'd to Mooloo,