A new start for Mooloo

Savvy_Sue

Rather than an open adoption, I think there should be a 'letterbox' scheme put in place. I know it's not nearly enough, from your side, but it allows occasional letters to be written and delivered confidentially, so that the boys know they HAVE a wider family, and know that they are still thought of. I would ask about that when the decisions have been made.

Does the solicitor seem like a rottweiler? That's what you need ...

Savvy_sewing

Twin2's solicitor seems a lovely lady. she is trying her best to get the boys back to twin2. But the "evidence" that the SS came up with in the beginning was not good.
They do not seem to take into consideration that the "Shock" of them taking the boys could actually boot her up the bum a bit!? We will see.
Meanwhile I will just have to tell her that its out of the question that I take her, or her boys on again. That if it didnt work before it would not work now she has had her own place etc. That it would not be fair on anyone.

I am trying now not to think about it. It is a raw nerve.

I have to focus on looking after DGD, she was very upset to see me break down and cry last night.
I have to be careful as she is so sensitive to me, and she is aware of whats going on around her. She is a very bright button.

My BF is coming over soon, so I will explain to him why I am rough around the edges at the moment.
I have rather large pictures of the boys laminated and on my kitchen wall. I may have to put them somewhere less prominant for a day or so, just until I gather my whits about me.

I have managed to sort out 2 bags of clothing for the charity shop.
Still far too slow for my liking.But at least its better then non!

I need to focus and find the positive Mooloo in here somewhere!.
My eyes hurt from crying last night and lack of sleep too.

ifonlyitwaseasier

awww mooloo i have no practical advice for on this, i just hope it all works out for the best for all of you.

ioiwe x

MatyMoo

Mooloo this is all so sad and your last post brought a lump to my throat.

It really sounds as though you know the answer but know that living with that decision is going to be heartbreaking for all concerned.

It could so easily have been DGD in this situation if she had been born second.....

You can only do your best and having read just this thread of yours it is so obvious that you have done more than your best over the years to the detriment of your own health, wealth and sanity. How many of us can honestly say that?

I really hope that your BF can give you the hugs in the physical sense that we all send you through cyberspace

tired_mum

A book sounds lovely but the most important stuff is family health that may not affect the boys but their children i am always asked about my medical history i have none from my real parents or grandparents so myself and my children are unknown quantities if you see what i mean .
Crafty Mine was a closed adoption in 1969 so not that long ago really. Im pleased that you got the info that you needed

supermezzo

Would it help to turn the thought process around - to my mind, you're protecting twin2's interest and welfare just as much as anyone elses. Two kids are hard work, but two kids who as they grow up become more 'streetwise' than their parents is really hard work. That hasn't come out right but I'm sure with DGD that you must already see instances where her Mum is 'cared for' or simply out-manouvered by her daughter and the roles are reversed. It's not the immediate future which would concern me here, but the longterm - how will twin2 cope with two (possibly) stroppy teenage lads or will she simply be led along by them?
And there is of course your son to consider in all this. Someone else has mentioned it before and I am in no way having a go about this nightmare you find yourself in, but he does deserve to be a part of your life and some consideration be given to his feelings as to housing, occupants etc. I know he's been a pain lately but I can't help but feel that he is simply pushing you to get a reaction to show that he is still just as important as your other children.
I guess what I'm trying to say (badly, granted) is that although you say you feel guilty for not having the boys, the truth is that the way I see it, you're simply putting the rest of the family and whats best for the boys above and beyond your need to say 'I'll have them' which is an extremely altruistic thing to do and so no guilt required.

Keeping_Motivated

Mooloo if you believe in your heart of hearts that Twin2 could look after the boys safely physically and emotionally with the right support do you think you could help her fight ie involve the press, MP etc...at the end of the day she does have a disability and she has rights surely?

SingleSue

SuziQ wrote: »

Mooloo, I almost feel that ypur son is reacting to feeling he has been at the end of a long chain of need for a long time. I say this, as my oldest son sometimes goes through these phases, as well. He has watched you busting your gut for the twins-relentlessly, over and again-and probably an unreasonable part of his brain expresses feelings of feeling 'forgotten' when things were at their height with the twins, by thinking-hang on, look what she does for them-all I want is the cinema times! I know it's unfair on you, but I have said before that I feel his needs have remained unmet on several occasions. And please don't feel I am criticising you-you really are a marvel!- I have had the same complaints from my own son about him feeling that his younger brother always comes first, and gets away with murder due to his special needs-and I have to agree with him, at times (I am only human and I get things wrong!!) I have the steve biddulph book-it's very good, but my faves at the moment are 'Mending the broken bond' Dr Frank Lawlis, and 'How to talk so teens will listen &listen so teens will talk'. I have had some startling discussions with my 15 year old with excersises from that second book!

I have the same with my eldest son and his feelings over his two younger siblings who have special needs. He has been the forgotten one over the years , so forgotten that I didn't realise just how badly his joints were becoming and how much pain he was suffering and boy do I feel guilty about that.

So it was a total shock to me when he finally came out and showed me his dislocating shoulders, almost like he was forcing me to take notice as I had been too wrapped up in his brothers and their problems and I felt awful, just awful that I had failed him so badly.

Saying that, he has grown into a very independent, strong minded, polite, helpful and well rounded 17 year old so I can't have got everything wrong! :rotfl:

SingleSue

Oh Mooloo, what a horrible situation to place you in...you must be so horribly tied as to what to do.

To be honest, I have no idea what I would do in the same situation because you probably want to do all you can to keep your family close but then on the other hand, the practicalities of doing so would be too much.

Horrible, horrible dilemma.

gizmo111

I'm absolutely astonished that they have asked you this. At this stage the social worker should have been around family members and submitted to the court the viability of any other family members caring for the boys. To be absolutely honest if I was assessing you I would say that all three was too much for you, and wouldn't agree to a plan with twin2 moving in with you, these things never work out with the balance of power in the household and she almost certainly is not going to want to stay with mum for the next 16 years.
Open adoption is very rare and for all the reasons above not encouraged, letterbox is standard with one or two letters/cards/photos a year usually xmas and birthdays. Adoptive parents are matched very carefully and SS will always try to keep the children together and given their ages it is very likely this will happen.

The pyscologist will assess twin2 and her parenting capacity and the boys attachment to her (thats how you assess a 9 month old) and submit a report to the court and social worker which will inform their final plans. It is unlikely the current boyfriend will figure too greatly in the plans at present as he is not the father of either child and the relationship is relatively new and untested in a parental role.
Bit confused about the cost of assessment here being split 3 ways there should be more parties involved - the children, the mother, the father, the LA so 4 in total.

It's all very well the grandmother saying she doesn't want SS involvement but where was she offering support before they became involved? She will be assessed most likely as a Special Guardian for both the boys if she is offering to have them both and a decision will be made from that. Is she likely to be a good choice for the boys?

At this stage they will be twin tracking for adoption, so dont' think it is the final decision if you hear of adoption medicals and panels etc it just has to run alongside other possibilities.

What is the guardian and childrens solicitor saying?

Have you considered asking for unsupervised contact and having the boys over for the day - you still have another 6-8 months before you even get to a final hearing and if adoption does go ahead then these times could be very important in the boys life story in future years, knowing they had a loving family but health issues out of their control made it impossible for them to be with them.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, and the court process takes such a long time it is emotionally draining. But rest assured the decsions made will be to ensure that the boys have a happy stable life in a good home, and will always be in their best interests although you can't see that now.

Take Care
Give me a shout if you need me xx