A new start for Mooloo

Savvy_sewing

Thanks Errata, and everyone.
I think the thing that is so horrible, is that they have let mum and us, all visit the boys, keep our bonding etc for the past 5 or 6 months, and will continue to do this through till may. Then if they are not to be allowed back to mum and they are put up for adoption, we are expected to be completely shut out of thier lives. Its cruel if you ask me. To them as well astoo us. What will I say to DGD when she can no longer see "her boys" and she is so close to DGS1 having shared a cot in the beginning etc etc. She is already always wanting to go and play with them. So even though I know that I really will not be able to cope, I just wish that I could have done.
Its going to take me years to get over loosing them, and trying to support twin2 with her loss is going to be just traumatic. She doesnt understand and still believes that she will get them back! Its all down to one womans opinion of them, in the new year, and a huge fee of £9,000!! for her expertise. The cost being divided by the three of them? So how does that work?
Next week someone is assessing the boys. Tell me who can assess a 9month old baby?

Anyway I am just exhausted. I am going to go to bed. Thanks everyone for helping me.

minimoneysaver

Mooloo, isn't there such a thing as an open adoption now? I know there is in America, just wondered if it is worth asking if it is the same over here. Such a bombshell, but I suppose it was inevitable as SS wouldn't want things to stay as they are, but to sort out a more permanent placement for the boys before they start school. Don't panic, we are all here to support you through it all. I'm sure Gizmo will be along with some words of wisdom for you! Take care and big hugs. x

Savvy_Sue

Errata wrote: »

I think, to be fair to the court, it would have been very remiss not enquire if there was a family member who could look after the boys and it may be that the court is required to make enquiries. Gizmo would know.

I think you're right, on all counts, and I'm sure wel all agree that NOT to ask, to assume that it wouldn't be possible for Mooloo to take them, would have been as bad.

Give gizmo111 a PM if she doesn't pop up in the next couple of days ...

Kimitatsu

Mooloo

Dont have anything to add that these lovely people have not said already but just wanted to say that you must not blame yourself for any of it. You cannot take on the boys as well - it would kill you, and as hard as that is you need to put your own needs into the equation somewhere.

Thinking of you and sending hugs xx

SDG31000

I just wanted to say that I agree with the words of widsom that everyone has said Mooloo and to offer you a huge hug.
You aren't the cause of Twin2's problems, she is. As cruel as that sounds it is the truth. You have done everything that you can to the detriment of your own physical and mental health. Anyone that expects even more from you or blames you has the problem. Mooloo, you are a remarkable woman who deserves some good luck and stability to come her way.
Take care, I'm sending positive vibes your way and I'm sure many others are too. xxxx

tired_mum

I am probably going to be shot down in flames but as an adopted child i can definately say that an open adoption would have been the worst thing that could have happened to me i have a loving mum (dad has died )and could not have wanted any better but put yourself in there shoes please take on these 2 children who will never be yours as their parents and family are in and out of their lives continually and when you are unhappy/angry run to them as you will always be able to play us all off against each other i can remember saying as a teen i bet my real mum wouldnt treat me like this when i had been told off . The boys are young enough to be wanted by a loving family but the older they get the less likely they will be wanted harsh as it sounds but people want babies/toddlers not older children. Mooloo you cant take the boys on its unfair on you all I will end this with just saying i have never traced my birth mother as i only have 1 mum who i adore but i dont feel angry as i know she did the right thing at the time i just realise that circumstances were against her and she made the right choice for me therefore she loved me

Keeping_Motivated

Just a curious question from me but can you insist that the boys are adopted together rather than separate?

jackieglasgow

Social Services wil always try and adopt siblings into the same family. And actually, with younger children like the boys this can be easier.

Craftyscholar

tired_mum wrote: »

I am probably going to be shot down in flames but as an adopted child i can definately say that an open adoption would have been the worst thing that could have happened to me i have a loving mum (dad has died )and could not have wanted any better but put yourself in there shoes please take on these 2 children who will never be yours as their parents and family are in and out of their lives continually and when you are unhappy/angry run to them as you will always be able to play us all off against each other i can remember saying as a teen i bet my real mum wouldnt treat me like this when i had been told off . The boys are young enough to be wanted by a loving family but the older they get the less likely they will be wanted harsh as it sounds but people want babies/toddlers not older children. Mooloo you cant take the boys on its unfair on you all I will end this with just saying i have never traced my birth mother as i only have 1 mum who i adore but i dont feel angry as i know she did the right thing at the time i just realise that circumstances were against her and she made the right choice for me therefore she loved me

Before anyone does get out their flame gun I want to thank you for posting.
I am adopted - in the days when adoption was closed (no right to know your birth story)
When tracing did become possible I knew I couldn't as I would have hurt my mum and dad too much.
I did trace (not entirely successfully) after they both died and I was able to get at least the true story of my adoption.
While I believe that adopted children do have the right to know about their birth family if they want to like you I have grave doubts about the concept of 'open adoption'.

Savvy_sewing

tired_mum wrote: »

I am probably going to be shot down in flames but as an adopted child i can definately say that an open adoption would have been the worst thing that could have happened to me i have a loving mum (dad has died )and could not have wanted any better but put yourself in there shoes please take on these 2 children who will never be yours as their parents and family are in and out of their lives continually and when you are unhappy/angry run to them as you will always be able to play us all off against each other i can remember saying as a teen i bet my real mum wouldnt treat me like this when i had been told off . The boys are young enough to be wanted by a loving family but the older they get the less likely they will be wanted harsh as it sounds but people want babies/toddlers not older children. Mooloo you cant take the boys on its unfair on you all I will end this with just saying i have never traced my birth mother as i only have 1 mum who i adore but i dont feel angry as i know she did the right thing at the time i just realise that circumstances were against her and she made the right choice for me therefore she loved me

Thankyou for this insight.
I am trying to think of the boys, whats best for them etc.
I believe that the system will want them adopted together.They want them fostered together etc.

I was told that we could make a story book of our lives to be able to share with the boys if they ever want to come looking for it.
I just feel for everyone at the moment.

I know that I cannot do it.
But I just wish that they could be supported with Mum and her BF who is so supportive of her, and who wants to take on the boys too. I wish they had given them a chance. He had only been back with Twin2 for one week, and the furniture etc had only just arrived. I just think that with all the support that they had promised and never produced, Twin2 could have had the children still. But I am not an expert, and I am obviously biased for the way things have been over both the families.

I have discussed it with my parents, I know that i cannot go forward for them, but I just feel horrible for twin2.
I couldnt live with her, she would drive me mad and I would end up looking after far too many people.

I do struggle enough some days with DGD, so having another 3 year old and a baby, would be the end of me, and not fair for the boys.
I suppose its just that it will take us all a long time to deal with this. I dont want DGS1 especially, to think that i have abandoned him and why did I take in DGD and not him? Silly I know, becuase if I write a letter, and keep a story board for him, then he will be able to understand it when he is older. I hope.

Now though I have to try and get out of the doledrums, and deal with the day ahead.!

The decluttering is just not happening for me. I am not enthusiastic enough. I am very far behind the plans i made last week.:(