A new start for Mooloo

crutches

Mooloo wrote: »

Well I am home. I am not very happy.
I dropped Twin1 at her place to leave her stuff, then took her around to twin2's. twin2 is back from her jaunt in Wales. however she would not let me go in. So DGD and I came straight back home. I was upset. I know I should not have been, but it is gutting after all I have done for her over the years, and the things that I have sacrificed, etc etc and she would not even extend an open hand and talk to me.
I am afraid that I was upset and told twin1 to tell her, that "She had her chance and that if she was not willing to speak to me, then I would cut her out of my life" And drove off. Which was an awful thing to say. And part of me is regretting it, and the other part of me, is just so exasperated with her that I think I may have no other option.
My BF has said that it was "time I looked after number one (and a half)".
He may be right.
Your all right, I am too soft. I do forgive them too easily, and I am running myself into the ground financially and emotionally trying to sort things out for them all.
But how do I change my nature? Its a tough one.
It didnt help that today I am feeling low and tired, and have been lurking on the edges of the depression for a while now.
Everything just seems to be getting to me these days, and my patience seems to have been lost.

HUGS mooloo.Please don't be so hard on yourself.You must be one of the most patient people I have ever heard of.Your grandaughter is very lucky to have you.

Savvy_sewing

crutches wrote: »

HUGS mooloo.Please don't be so hard on yourself.You must be one of the most patient people I have ever heard of.Your grandaughter is very lucky to have you.

Thats what I think I am missing, Hugs!. Could have done with some from my BF, but he is decorating his place this weekend and so DGD and I couldnt really go down there. I am missing my weekend with him and that doesnt help the way I am feeling either. So feeling rather rejected this weekend. (all though I know that in his case its not intentional, he only has a few days off, and he has got to decorate sometime. ).
Noticed that Twin2 had posted on facebook to me, and said that I was not to go around. Except I hadnt seen it.
"
Re: Social dreaded services
Then let me coz ur stopping me ever since I found out that I was pregnant withDS1 and DS2 u never gave me the chance to do it my self understand that I'm not a little girl no more I have now got a briliant husband to be and when I get back later today I don't want anyone to come see me at all I'm not having a go but u must understand that I have to do it myself and go by the mistakes I have made and make it better so sorry if u don't want to hear that but it's my life and I'm the one to sort it not u"

Well I changed the boys names out of that. That was in response to me asking her to please come back and sort things out, after I had been to see the boys on thursday, and that they were doing well, and were filling out etc.
This hurts me as I never stopped her from doing anything. It was Social Services that told her she had to live with me, or loose DS1 before he was even born. I am gutted that she thinks it was me stopping her, when all I have done is run around and try to get her to keep her children!. I feel at this precise moment that she is an ungrateful B*tch, and that she deserves to be left to it. But its doesnt stop hurting me. I really am so upset at her actions.
And this new wonderful Husband to be, (the newest boyfriend on the scene since the week the boys were removed.) has just had to give up his job and is moving in with her? Well if he does turn out to be so wonderful, I hope that he has got a new job and can support her. Beucase she will not be getting the benefits etc that she had I shouldnt think.
Oh what a mess. My family life has disintegrated before me, even though I have been fighting to keep them all safe for so long.
I feel that I have failed completely as a mother, and do not think that I will pass this dam Fostering assessment, then what will happen to DGD? Will her mother also blame me?
Will DS be disfunctional for ever?
Oh I think that I am just too depressed to cope today. I thought I would be better today, with my medication upped again, but I am feeling worse then ever with all of this going on.

I want to walk away from it all, wake up in another world, but then I feel that thats awful thing to say and think.

Eager_Elephant

(((Mooloo)))

I know you have posted previously about not wanting to take anti-depressants as it took you a long time to come off them but I think the ay you are feeling at the moment you need to go to your doctor.

Nothing you can do can change the situation of your children, they have to do it themselves and as they are unlikely to do this then the only option I feel is anti-depressants until the situation with all of them is sorted. If however you could change it all then you might not need anti-depressants as you could work through it all.

My DH has been on anti-depressants for 12 years and we know that due to a chemical imbalance he will be on them for life but at least he is able to cope with situations better, without them he is a nightmare, he shouts and goes ahead etc and does not think rationally.

I think you need to leave Twin 2 be, obviously someone has been saying these things to her and she has repeated them. Let her try and sort the situation and if she calls on you, tell her you are not available and that she can sort it herself.
Even if she does not get the boys back for no you will still be able to visit them.

Same with DGD, if it happens that you fail the fostering assessment you will still be able to see her although it might not be the situation you were thinking of.

DS needs to sort himself out, and not expect you to do it for him. It sounds like what she was charging him was the LHA rate for under 25's for the month he was claiming - no one gets a figure like that out of thin air. Usually a room would be a more rounded figure such as £60 or £65.

I might sound harsh but I have been here with my own brothers. I have a large family, my parents don't drive so when they were getting expelled from school and being arrested I was the one to sort it. I attended all the meetings, my DH was called to the police station no end of times to be a responsible adult - my parents appeared not to care.

I even used to collect another brother from town, completely wrecked on alcohol and drugs and drive him home so I knew he as safe.

As soon as I had my daughter I told them I would not collect them or attend meetings anymore as I was too busy and they have mainly sorted themselves out. It was hard seeing them make the same mistakes time after time.

I realised my brother had his life back on track when he passed his driving test and was then stopped by the police who thought he was driving without a licence. He showed his licence and the policeman was soo proud of him!! He has not been in trouble for years now.
The only legacy from this was he had lots of points on his licence from drink-driving, driving without a licence etc which meant his insurance was sky high - but you live and learn. It would have been so easy for him not to have got insurance but he did and he does everything by the book now.

Everything will be ok in the end Mooloo but it may take time.

EE

whiteguineapig

eager elephant is giving you good advice mooloo
blow them all!!
go and do some sewing!

Savvy_sewing

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

(((Mooloo)))

I know you have posted previously about not wanting to take anti-depressants as it took you a long time to come off them but I think the ay you are feeling at the moment you need to go to your doctor.

Nothing you can do can change the situation of your children, they have to do it themselves and as they are unlikely to do this then the only option I feel is anti-depressants until the situation with all of them is sorted. If however you could change it all then you might not need anti-depressants as you could work through it all.

My DH has been on anti-depressants for 12 years and we know that due to a chemical imbalance he will be on them for life but at least he is able to cope with situations better, without them he is a nightmare, he shouts and goes ahead etc and does not think rationally.

I think you need to leave Twin 2 be, obviously someone has been saying these things to her and she has repeated them. Let her try and sort the situation and if she calls on you, tell her you are not available and that she can sort it herself.
Even if she does not get the boys back for no you will still be able to visit them.

Same with DGD, if it happens that you fail the fostering assessment you will still be able to see her although it might not be the situation you were thinking of.

DS needs to sort himself out, and not expect you to do it for him. It sounds like what she was charging him was the LHA rate for under 25's for the month he was claiming - no one gets a figure like that out of thin air. Usually a room would be a more rounded figure such as £60 or £65.

I might sound harsh but I have been here with my own brothers. I have a large family, my parents don't drive so when they were getting expelled from school and being arrested I was the one to sort it. I attended all the meetings, my DH was called to the police station no end of times to be a responsible adult - my parents appeared not to care.

I even used to collect another brother from town, completely wrecked on alcohol and drugs and drive him home so I knew he as safe.

As soon as I had my daughter I told them I would not collect them or attend meetings anymore as I was too busy and they have mainly sorted themselves out. It was hard seeing them make the same mistakes time after time.

I realised my brother had his life back on track when he passed his driving test and was then stopped by the police who thought he was driving without a licence. He showed his licence and the policeman was soo proud of him!! He has not been in trouble for years now.
The only legacy from this was he had lots of points on his licence from drink-driving, driving without a licence etc which meant his insurance was sky high - but you live and learn. It would have been so easy for him not to have got insurance but he did and he does everything by the book now.

Everything will be ok in the end Mooloo but it may take time.

EE

Thanks EE.
sorry I am really down today, I should remember that i am not the only one with problems. Everyone has them.
I just dont seem to be able to shake the doledrums today.

You are right, all of you. I must now let them make thier own mistakes, and step back. After all one day I will not be around to do it anyway.
Its just hard when they always have turned to me before.

DS's friends mother is definitely charging a strange amount of rent. Its also very high to charge anyone to share a room with someone else. (and the property looks like a local tip too!). I didnt know he had gone there. When he left here earlier in the year he was at a different friends house, but the Mum moved out to live with her boyfriend, and the eldest son moved in to take on the house, and he and DS didnt quite hit it off but of course he didnt tell me any of that, it was only when I had left a message on his phone that I was calling around to see him, that he told he he was at this other womans house. Which I was not happy about at all.

I will try harder to switch off, and step back. I really dont want to go on to the anti depressants as I had a terrible time with them reacting to the other tablets etc and then when i was on them I couldnt function properly and was certainly unable to drive. Now living here, it would be impossible for me to survive without a car.

Savvy_sewing

whiteguineapig wrote: »

eager elephant is giving you good advice mooloo
blow them all!!
go and do some sewing!

I wish I had the energy to sew. Running around after DGD and lifting her up puts paid to that most of the time. I am trying to get the energy just to go and cook our tea now!. But I know what you mean.
I am missing my sewing and its something that I love to do. I really have got to get it back into my daily life. I enjoy creating bags and things, and if I had the energy I think that a "sew in" would be a good way of distracting me from the day to day problems that are really getting to me at the moment.

Keeping_Motivated

Mooloo I suspect that Twin2 is 'attacking' you as she needs someone to blame otherwise she would have to actually say "I have been a bad mum who let her boys down and now they have been taken away because I was so awful" and I can't imagine that is an easy thing for anyone to admit so unfortunately the person closest (you) then gets the backlash and the blame so its easier for her to cope with emotionally. I know that will not take away your hurt by her actions towards you and I know that she should hold her hands up and admit her mistakes but she isn't doing and even though you have done nothing wrong its easier for her to be in denial.

Take it a day at a time (a little like someone with an addiction would do) and rather than think I must change completely and then fail try and say 'For today I will not help no matter what calls/letters/demands/traumas I am confronted with because today I will trust that they are adults (albeit it immature ones!) and they will deal the way they choose to the given situation.

Could you not go to BFs at DGD bedtime tonight, put her to bed and spend the evening with him?

Savvy_sewing

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Mooloo I suspect that Twin2 is 'attacking' you as she needs someone to blame otherwise she would have to actually say "I have been a bad mum who let her boys down and now they have been taken away because I was so awful" and I can't imagine that is an easy thing for anyone to admit so unfortunately the person closest (you) then gets the backlash and the blame so its easier for her to cope with emotionally. I know that will not take away your hurt by her actions towards you and I know that she should hold her hands up and admit her mistakes but she isn't doing and even though you have done nothing wrong its easier for her to be in denial.

Take it a day at a time (a little like someone with an addiction would do) and rather than think I must change completely and then fail try and say 'For today I will not help no matter what calls/letters/demands/traumas I am confronted with because today I will trust that they are adults (albeit it immature ones!) and they will deal the way they choose to the given situation.

Could you not go to BFs at DGD bedtime tonight, put her to bed and spend the evening with him?

Think your right about taking it one day at a time.
could do with a screensaver with those words on!
Do they have screensavers these days? Must do.

I cannot go to BF's unless he offers. I did ask him about letting me know when we could go down, and all I got was "well your coming down mid week arent you?"

I have obviously coped with things so well before that he doesnt realise that its important to me to have time with him. also he gets sort of embarrassed when I am down, as he doesnt know what to do or say, and he gets so frustrated with the way my kids are, we would probably end up in a row anyway.

I shall have a very early night I think, and listen to my CD on Confidence etc and hope that I wake tomorrow feeling that I can cope, and that I can hold out etc etc etc.

Keeping_Motivated

Just wondering Mooloo but which way does DS want to deal with this woman who is demanding money and keeping his belongings and his bike? Has he asked you to type a letter or go to citizens advice?

Savvy_sewing

Keeping_Motivated wrote: »

Just wondering Mooloo but which way does DS want to deal with this woman who is demanding money and keeping his belongings and his bike? Has he asked you to type a letter or go to citizens advice?

He wasnt sure, originally when she was talking to him via facebook, he wanted to pay her back. But after we had been to the house to get his things and he was refused, then he noticed his bike was missing from the garden, he was quite shaken. He said "I am seeing M**** in a different light now mum".
We did a little bit of a brainstorm as to what to do. He didnt want to call the police as it was her boyfriend there and she had deliberately gone out. He said its not his fault, he is just a "lodger" there too.
so we drafter a letter to her, but I havent typed it up yet, as I wanted to check out with citizens advice first.
I thought that I would make a call on Tuesday and see if we could get an appointment. Meanwhile I told him to make an inventory of the things he has there so we can Ask for her to return it all. If she is holding them illegally, then I will call the police and ask them for their help if she doesnt let us collect things.
I am not sure what she can do about the rent, I suppose we may be able to get some from the housing benefit people, but if she has caused fraud then surely she will have to answer to it.?
My evil Twin mind is saying is she claiming other benefits, and is her BF there when he shouldnt be? Would we be opening up a hornets nest?