A new start for Mooloo

minimoneysaver

Sorry Mooloo, I guess I was in solution mode. Force of habit with some of the rubbish that has happened to me in my life. We are all different. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes right now. Take good care of yourself. xxx

Savvy_Sue

Mooloo wrote: »

I am not in the correct frame of mind to be making any decisions at the moment.
So I am taking stock and I will be calling the Social Services on Monday and telling them a few things.

Actually, that's another good thought of yours: too much of what has happened in this thread has happened, IMO, because 'it seemed like a good idea at the time'. Or at least, that there weren't any better ideas at the time. But you have been 'bounced' into making decisions too quickly, too many times, without ANYONE being able to give proper consideration to the long term consequences, and the 'what ifs', or particularly the 'what if nots'.

You are not in a good place for making long-term decisions right now. You know it, we know it, and the ONLY reason the blankety blank Social Services departments won't see it is because of the responsibility it puts on them if you don't do their job for them. But some of these problems are NOT YOURS TO SOLVE.

It's going to be tough, I know, to keep saying to yourself and to SS "I don't know what will happen to the twins' babies if I don't keep picking up the pieces, but THAT IS NOT MY PROBLEM." Perhaps we should all suggest a phrase you should repeat to yourself and to them: I'd start with "I know [insert current identified problem here], but what are YOU going to do about that, because I am unable to do anything more?"

So, "I know that you have serious concerns about Twin's boyfriend, but what are YOU going to do about that, because I am unable to do anything more?"

And there's a part of me which is thinking that actually this hardness of heart - as it's going to appear - is badly needed, because let's face it, if they HAD carried out the assessment they were supposed to do when they dumped your DGD on you, would they have found that you were fit enough to take this on? How devastating would THAT be, if you DID say "I'll do this", and they turned round and said "No you can't"?

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Sorry Mooloo, I guess I was in solution mode. Force of habit with some of the rubbish that has happened to me in my life. We are all different. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes right now. Take good care of yourself. xxx

mini, sorry if it looked as if I was having a go at you. I know you were trying to be supportive, and it's not my place to tell Mooloo what she can't do or should do. BUT I really didn't want her to start thinking "Maybe we should give this another go, maybe it would work if ..." and then feel guilty when she realised - as I'm sure she would have done - that actually, all living together would not, could not, ever lead to "And they all lived happily ever after".

IF the twins were best buddies, and IF they could do everything on a list left at the start of the day by the end of that day, and IF Mooloo was fit and well, and IF Social Services gave DAILY support, and IF there weren't friends ready to lead either or both twin astray, and IF they could learn to manage their money, and IF someone had plenty of money to throw at this situation, THEN maybe, just maybe, they could play happy families under one roof. But in the world where pigs don't fly, Social Services have a statutory responsibility to put the welfare of those babies first, and expecting Mooloo to sort it all out for them means that they are failing in their responsibilities, because Mooloo CAN'T DO IT, however much she wants to!

Sorry, I've gone on a bit there, and I wish I could see a way forward. However, I think it's time to be forced back to Sherlock Holmes, you eliminate the impossible, and then see what's left.

travelgran

Please put the emphasis on SS. I understand that if the proposed fostering is seen as a 'private arrangement' then no allowance will be paid.

Errata

Very wise words from Sue, as always. I've puzzled over what SS expectation was that prompted Mooloo to write "Social rang me again, asking me to check up on Twin2 this weeknd, as problems there today".

It seems to me that any 'checking up' would be impossible unless SS precisely stated what was to be checked, how the checking was to be carried out, if Mooloo was capable of doing it and what should immediately happen if she had any concerns and most importantly what would happen if she 'checked up' had concerns and did nothing.
The conduct of SS in this one particular area is extremely worrying. SS should be helping to reduce the worry load, not behaving in a way that increases it.

Health and social care organisations sometimes have to be pinned down hard in order that situations and thinking are clearly understood by everyone concerned. Otherwise poor decisions are made and implications not thought through.

HTH and I wish I could do more.

minimoneysaver

I suppose if Mooloo was fit and capable then the social wouldn't be involved?

Skint_Lynne

I know that this has been done already, but get back to the MP. In fact, start going round to the councillor for the area, going to the MP and get a letter fired off to both of these SS heads of departments. This situation is going from bad to worse. I would even go as far as doing some sort of sit in protest to get these people to listen.

It's good that your bigger daughter is looking into having the wee girl, but what's to happen to the other 2 kids? It would be good in an ideal world for the twins to be put into some sort of sheltered accommodation where support is offered to them if any scheme of this sort exists?

These social workers are not doing their job properly, it's obvious. Time to start making a fuss so that they do what they are paid for and support this family properly.

this situation is going to make you ill, and that won't help anyone. Look after yourself. xx

thorsoak

Mooloo - these babies each have another set of grandparents ... can they not take up some of the slack???

In your shoes, I would probably be doing exactly the same as you, but whilst you take on the responsibility, Social Services will continue to dump it all on you ...you need to get into broken record syndrome "I need help, I cannot cope on my own".

Sending {{hugs}}

Savvy_sewing

minimoneysaver wrote: »

Sorry Mooloo, I guess I was in solution mode. Force of habit with some of the rubbish that has happened to me in my life. We are all different. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes right now. Take good care of yourself. xxx

You have no need to be sorry at all. All options need to be thought about.
Thats what I am trying to do. But whats best for 3 adults, nearly 4 adult chidren is not necessarily whats best for me as well?

Savvy_sewing

thorsoak wrote: »

Mooloo - these babies each have another set of grandparents ... can they not take up some of the slack???

In your shoes, I would probably be doing exactly the same as you, but whilst you take on the responsibility, Social Services will continue to dump it all on you ...you need to get into broken record syndrome "I need help, I cannot cope on my own".

Sending {{hugs}}

DGD1, has no other grandparents. The father is denying being the father, and as he tried to "murder her in her mothers belly" then I dont think I would want any of them involved!.

DGS1, goes to his other grandparents, fortnightly. Infact he went Friday night until 6pm today. But the father is not allowed access to DGS1 on his own. I am not happy that they have contact either, as they were "abusing" DGS1's father when he was little, and he was on the at risk register himself. I agree they have appeared to have changed 25 years on, age etc, but I am wary and think that they should have been assessed before DGS1 was allowed to go to them.
AS for DGS2, the new baby, there is only a granny, and she doesnt want to know!.
So not a lot of hope. Unfortunately none of them seem to be of any intelligence which really does not help.

I called in to see Twin2 and her BF, and the Baby this afternoon., I came straight to the point and told them that Social had asked me to check on them, that the mess, which was already begining to take on the room, was not acceptable, that they are millimetres away from having the children back on the Protection Plan, and loosing them. I also told them that I would not be able to take thier kids on, as It was already too much with DGD.!
I told them they would be getting a visit tomorrow, and it had better be spot on, or I would be washing my hands of them!.
I said that I want to only visit once a week, and I want it to be a pleasant visit where Granny gets a cuddle,and a play and can go home again!.

Twin1 rang me complaining that her twin had given her phonenumber to some girl she didnt want it to go to. (New girlfriend of her Ex boyfriend,) and I told her that I was not prepared to do anything about it, that they were acting like 2 year olds and that if they dont stop ddragging me into all of their mess I would be too ill to cope soon.
She said that she was going to get a Bus to see her sister tomorrow, and I said that if she could do that they why cant she get a bus to see her own daughter. She said it was as there was no buses, except once a week to the village, and I said she could have got one to Towcester which is nearer and I could have picked her up from there. Told her she needs to be with her daughter as much as possible as we do not know if Biggest of Mooloo is able to take her daughter on, and if thats the case she would be off in care and we would not get much access at all!,.

When I collected DGD this afternoon, I had a cup of tea with Biggest of Mooloo and her BF. I also told them that I was not planning to leave the cottage, (unless financially I cannot stay), as it would cost me around £1,000 at least to move again, and I dont have it. That I want to stay at least another summer in the cottage, to grow my plants, and to see if I can get my sewing started again, properly.
If i can sew, I can hopefully start to make some money and be able to make up the shortfall. I know what I earn has to be sorted out and taken into consideration, so I would need to make a lot to get the difference sorted out but lets see.

So whos left to get the tongue of Mum?
Well not DS, I have not heard from him.
I spoke as best as I could with BF, Now I am considering if the bit of time we have together, and the odd weekend away is all that I am going to be able to accept or whether indeed I would be better off, backing out of it, and seeing if I can eventually find a relationship that would work.?
It is soul destroying to be madly in love with a man who doesnt like or want to accept my family. But it doesnt surprise me, lets face it husband 1 and 2 couldnt, so why would anyone.

I do fear being on my own, when I am old and unwell, but then I also dont know if we can ever bridge the gap between the reasons why after 6 years we are still not under the same roof more then a few days here and there.

Social Services will be contacted tomorrow.
I will also start to write the follow up letters asking why I have not had a reply to the letters of the 4th February,.
I will also write back to the MP, as I have heard nothing from him either.
I have found that there is a councillor in the nearby (ish) village of Litchborough, so i will be contacting him.
I am going to make myself another file, and gather all the information I have, and try and divide it between the two different Social services and the two different family needs.
then I am going to do a "Project" in my Works Task thingy on the laptop and see if I can get all of the things I need sorted out, and backed up with letters. This time I have got to write after a telephone call and say,
"well after today, I believe that, XYZ was said, and that you are to do, ABC and I am to do, D.? Please correct me if I am mistaken?" Or something similar.
then I will see about getting key dates from the past, (probably via my thread) to fill in the blanks and see if I can take my case/s to a lawyer. I have someone on here kindly finding out the name of one that is coming recommended.

I just hope that I am well enough to be strong enough to do all of this.!

I willnow have to go back to my budget, see where I can make any savings at all, and see if I will be able to pay my rent once DS is officially not here.
While all this is going on, I am not going to do anything, as I hope he will return once the stress is dying down. (well we can live in hope, and it will give me time to do the other battles first),
While I have DGD living here, I am covered still so thats not an immediate problem.

Now I beter serve up our dinner, Iggle Piggle is nearly finished! I am running late again.

Thanks everyone. :j

Errata

Sounds like you put your foot down with a firm hand to all of your family. Well done you - and I bet it made you feel better and more in control of things.
Now you've practised on the family, do it again with Social Services. They need to be told where they are failing the twins, the babies and you, and asked what precisely they will do to make amends.