Cross with OH ..

skintchick

smartpicture wrote: »

I don't think 'forgetting' his birthday would have the same effect, as it wouldn't bother him as much as it did you. I agree with the earlier suggestion of going completely over the top instead and showing him how it should be done. But also talking to him now and saying how hurt you feel. I don't blame you at all for feeling as you do, and in your shoes I would definitely take it as a sign of how little I was valued.

My ex forgot my birthday, despite several reminders. He then said he would do something special for me the folllowing week, as he didn't have much money - I said that was fine, and cooking me a romantic meal would be great (he is a trained chef), as I appreciated the effort more than the money and I understood how broke he was. Nothing happened until the next weekend, when he went out shopping, and came home with a new new jumper and shirt - for himself!!!!!

One of the many, many reasons that he is my ex...

This reminds me of my ex fiance. He forgot Valentine's Day. No problem, says I , so long as you get me a card when you go down town. off he trots and comes back with ... a motorbike magazine for him and nothing for me!

It was the last in a series of things and I broke up with him a week later.

LabLover

I can understand y you would be upset OP and I think you handled the situation very well .I think if it had been me I would have had full blown strop complete with foot stomp and whine.He probably didnt mean to upset you as much as he did tho , and I bet if he could rewind time he would have bought you a lovely card. Im not rubbing it in but just so all men dont get tarred with same brush I thought I would mention that my OH has card and present mania , to the point ( and I even think that its a bit extreme) where he buys me a card from our dog on mothers day
He just loves cards , It doesnt bother me on my birthday tho becoz Im like the queen I have week long birthday !!Lol I blame it on my mum becoz when we were little we got to do and say whatever we wanted on our birthday and even got to pick our fave meal that we wanted for "birthday dinner" becos it was our "special" day I could get my younger sister in trouble for "upsetting" me on my birthday or for telling me b4 I opened my presents what each of then where:mad: Now because im older and rarely get made a fuss of I try to drag it out over week " Sorry I didnt make youre work sandwhichs love , but it was my Birthday on monday"
I agree with most people on here that you should make fuss of him on his birthday and let him know how it should be done !
xx

mademoiselle_2

I disagree about making a fuss of someone who has acted meanly and thoughtlessly in forgetting your birthday.

I don't buy the argument about men finding it "harder" to be kind, or to remember special events like birthdays. Let me turn that reasoning around: men find it easier to be selfish. Don't stand for it!!

After many years of petrol-station gifts (or nothing at all!), my nasty ex finally uttered the old cliche of the 'cant-be-bothered-to-make-an-effort' brigade: "tell me what you want, and I'll get it". I.E, 'I haven't bothered to even get you a card today, that's how little I think of you'.

As someone who always made a big fuss on his birthday (and how he enjoyed it!), I finally called a halt to all that. I said nothing when he forgot my birthday; I did not respond to the 'tell me what you want' remark; and my birthday remained uncelebrated.

But when it came round to his birthday, I hardened my heart and bought absolutely nothing. On the day, I happened to get a cheap book about the internet, delivered to me as a freebie in the morning's post. I re-wrapped it (badly) in the scrappiest bit of paper I could find - and then presented it to him as if it were the rarest gift in the universe. It was well worth it to see the look of disappointment on his face!

And now he's just a faint and unpleasant memory - good riddance!

Don't get mad. Get even.

stardoman

But be careful when you get even!

I was 40 earlier this year and my birthday was on a Thursday. On the day itself I felt very disappointed. He took the day off work but kept logging onto the computer. He asked me what I wanted to do, but hadn't even gone to the cashpoint so I had to pay (a moot point really, as it is a joint bank account. But I didn't want to be the person queuing up and ordering food etc). At 9:30 that night, he told me he was tired and went to bed. I was so upset and posted a message on an internet forum (not this one).

A few people suggested telling him exactly how I felt, so I sent an email to his work. He received it the next day and was quite upset as I'd pulled no punches.

Anyway, turned out he hadn't done much on my birthday itself because he'd booked a night in a castle on the Saturday. Problem was, as he hadn't told me I didn't know it was going to happen. He thought he didn't need to make an effort on the day itself because he knew what was going to come!

I felt so guilty when I found out and asked him to delete my email. He told me he's going to keep it foreever so he can read it every year before my birthday! I still feel bad about the email as it really wasn't nice.

So be careful before you get revenge, Mandy.

tsstss7

stardoman wrote: »

But be careful when you get even!

I was 40 earlier this year and my birthday was on a Thursday. On the day itself I felt very disappointed. He took the day off work but kept logging onto the computer. He asked me what I wanted to do, but hadn't even gone to the cashpoint so I had to pay (a moot point really, as it is a joint bank account. But I didn't want to be the person queuing up and ordering food etc). At 9:30 that night, he told me he was tired and went to bed. I was so upset and posted a message on an internet forum (not this one).

A few people suggested telling him exactly how I felt, so I sent an email to his work. He received it the next day and was quite upset as I'd pulled no punches.

Anyway, turned out he hadn't done much on my birthday itself because he'd booked a night in a castle on the Saturday. Problem was, as he hadn't told me I didn't know it was going to happen. He thought he didn't need to make an effort on the day itself because he knew what was going to come!

I felt so guilty when I found out and asked him to delete my email. He told me he's going to keep it foreever so he can read it every year before my birthday! I still feel bad about the email as it really wasn't nice.

So be careful before you get revenge, Mandy.

I don't think you should feel guilty staroman imo I'd have been equally annoyed and how were you to know!

My OH forgot mothers day too and I'm particularly annoyed because I had to remind him to buy me a card last year - this year he just couldn't be bothered even though I did remind him on the Saturday ...I'm not going to have any problem forgetting fathers day, I don't have a dad to worry about so the fathers day thing is reasonably new to me anyway, it's actually quite a struggle to remember and each year I end up dashing out to the shops late on Sat evening....problem is I'll probably forget to forget this year I'm that scatty lately!

Oh and it's not just men who forget valentines day - I'm guily of that one too!!

luxor4t

Mandy, I empathise totally with how you feel as my 'D'H is totally carp about birthdays. He keeps promising (but words are free & require no effort) but actually does nothing. And it hurts.

We had BIG birthdays coming up, & after several nasty birthdays, I tried to show him what to do. With some careful budgetting I took him for lunch in Edinburgh (by plane from local airport) then arranged a day-long drop-in party, over 80 friends came & made a fuss of him. He loved it. Sorted!?

Fast forward to my 50th... he did buy a card, DD made him get a cake, & he gave me a Brain Trainer....his idea of the perfect gift. My idea of an insult. No treat, no party, no thought, nothing He got a refund on the game, I don't know what he did with the money.

Men like this are incredibly rare:

stardoman wrote: »

...Anyway, turned out he hadn't done much on my birthday itself because he'd booked a night in a castle on the Saturday......snipped ....

And unfortunately we fool ourselves that our specimen has this potential hidden away deep within them. The reality is that 99% don't, can't or won't do things like this EVER.

If you want to enjoy your next birthday then you will have to assume that he won't do anything different, and so you must lead him through it. This year I suggested a gift (OK, I bought it ) & asked to go out (local theatre amateur group was on, so cheap). I know it was a huge compromise, but at least I did get some sort of 'celebration'.Make do until your DD is old enough to take over.

And yes, I did imagine that he would somehow put things right & surprise me... oh well . He didn't.

seven-day-weekend

I'm obviously in a minority of one.

It wouidn't bother me if my husband didn't buy me a 'surprise' present or jet me away to a theatre production and I certainly don't want a huge party. In fact I'd hate him to spend a lot of money -what a waste. (imho).

If he says Happy Birthday, gves me a kiss and cooks me a nice meal, I'm quite happy.

Snuggles

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I'm obviously in a minority of one.

It wouidn't bother me if my husband didn't buy me a 'surprise' present or jet me away to a theatre production and I certainly don't want a huge party. In fact I'd hate him to spend a lot of money -what a waste. (imho).

If he says Happy Birthday, gves me a kiss and cooks me a nice meal, I'm quite happy.

I must admit, I don't really see the problem either. My OH is a wonderful man who is kind and thoughtful every day. I don't mean that he showers me with gifts, just that he is considerate in our every day life together. This is far more important to me than having someone making grand gestures on my birthday.

If he forgot about it completely and didn't even say Happy Birthday, I wouldn't be annoyed about it. I'd probably tease him about it a bit, we'd both have a giggle and then move on. I can't help thinking that if this was something I would get really upset and annoyed over for a prolonged period, there may be something not quite right with the relationship.

DKLS

Am surprised that the OP isnt wearing her mans balls as earrings.

It would be more than my life is worth to forget my ohs birthday, regardless of budget you can make the day very special, in some ways its easier the smaller the budget as you have to get much more creative.

I always make an extra special effort for OHs B'day as it falls so close to xmas.

And note to any men reading, unless explicitly asked for, never ever buy a set of pans/iron/hoover/kitchen gadget unless you want it wrapped around your head.

oystercatcher

I'd be very pleased to be given a set of pans or hoover if it was what I wanted/needed and money was tight.
To me it seems a waste to be given flowers, chocolates and a 'wild night out' which won't be there the following week. Much better to have something material and practical to improve life.

Now we are a bit better off then it is nice to be treated but I think it really depends on circumstances.

If you know you have a busy absent minded partner then it's best to keep reminding in a roundabout way. I know my current husband likes to make me happy but he doesn't have a huge imagination so I don't expect miracles !
Looking back ExH used to expect me to chose, buy from joint account and even wrap my own presents, reason why...he just didn't care!!