So down :(

princessamy86

Big (((hugs))) you deserve so much better than this, we can all tell you're a fab mum and imagine how much more time you will have when you're not pandering to his every whim!

hippychick1

Oh my god. It could be my husband you are talking about.

When I was pregnant with my third child, I was so sick all the time, and exhausted from looking after two young boys. His reaction was to complain that the place was a tip and to warn me he felt like having an affair, as sex wasn't happening often enough.

I am moving into my own place with the kids tomorrow, as I have had no support from him for years. I had a breakdown last year, caused by things he did and said.

Tell him how YOU need him to be. If he doesn't like it, then go. You are worth so so much more than this. Life is far too short to be unhappy. I am slowly realising this.

Take care
xx

not_tonight_josephine_2

Hi Roxie, sorry to hear you are having such a horrible time of things. Couldn't help responding to this as your OH sounds just like my father, used to treat my mum like dirt - rarely physically abusive but constantly belittling and insulting her. I don't think you need to worry about staying with him for the sake of your boys - it will be far more harmful to them to grow up thinking that this is a "normal" relationship. When I was a little girl I wanted my mum to leave my dad more than anything. It's taken me until the age of 30 to accept that theirs was not a normal marriage, and that most men do treat their partners with respect - I still have difficulties handling conflict because of this. Sadly, I see my brother now showing some of the same patterns in the way he treats his wife.

I guess I'm just trying to say that you need to do what is best for you, and that will be the best thing for your boys. You sound like a lovely person and you deserve better - please stop putting up with this.

Wee_Bargain_Hunter

Is there anyone you could go to stay with for a weekend just to get a break & get some sleep if they looked after the baby for you? Or at least be away from the "atmosphere"?
If it was me and if i was thinking of leaving, I would want to research everything first before giving him an inkling of what I was up to. You seem like a really strong person to cope so long in that situation so whatever you want to do will be possible.

edit: just remembered that marriage counselling can be attended by just one person. It could be helpful to have someone support you while you are working out your feelings and options.

Sirbendy

hippychick1 wrote: »

When I was pregnant with my third child, I was so sick all the time, and exhausted from looking after two young boys. His reaction was to complain that the place was a tip and to warn me he felt like having an affair, as sex wasn't happening often enough.

I will admit to having come close to losing my patience on occasion - missus is still (3 months, 2 weeks) feeling sick at times etc. Yet when she's not, she complains that she has so much to do etc..I've had recourse to say "and you're not doing it now WHY?" etc.

Sometimes it's needed, as even she admits she needs a boot in the bum to get going occasionally..and moping never helps. As a rule, I try and bite my tongue and sigh..I know it's a passing thing, and I know it's not fun for her either. We both get annoyed in equal measure with the situation.

As to sex...I've forgotten what it is now, heh. She says the same thing. Meh, we have cats and guinea pigs, that's more fun and less risky..:rotfl: The immortal line from 2 nights ago was "go and make friends with your hand if you wish, I'm absolutely b*lloxed"

I choked on my pasta.

She's taken the day off today and has almost certainly gone with her siblings to McDonalds for some junk craving. I know when I get back I have dishes to wash, a kitchen to scrub and tea to start...I have my mother coming over to say "hi" tonight..and if I don't have it spotless I'll get a telling off..:eek::rolleyes:

galvanizersbaby

Sirbendy wrote: »

I will admit to having come close to losing my patience on occasion - missus is still (3 months, 2 weeks) feeling sick at times etc. Yet when she's not, she complains that she has so much to do etc..I've had recourse to say "and you're not doing it now WHY?" etc.

Sometimes it's needed, as even she admits she needs a boot in the bum to get going occasionally..and moping never helps. As a rule, I try and bite my tongue and sigh..I know it's a passing thing, and I know it's not fun for her either. We both get annoyed in equal measure with the situation.

As to sex...I've forgotten what it is now, heh. She says the same thing. Meh, we have cats and guinea pigs, that's more fun and less risky..:rotfl: The immortal line from 2 nights ago was "go and make friends with your hand if you wish, I'm absolutely b*lloxed"

I choked on my pasta.

She's taken the day off today and has almost certainly gone with her siblings to McDonalds for some junk craving. I know when I get back I have dishes to wash, a kitchen to scrub and tea to start...I have my mother coming over to say "hi" tonight..and if I don't have it spotless I'll get a telling off..:eek::rolleyes:

Is this the age of your baby sirbendy?

Sirbendy

hang on, hang on..let me think...

erm..I *think* we're at the 15 week marker this tuesday..I need to check. It's been a long old week. This is "second trimester week 15" not "popped out sprog, week 15" of course..:) Could be week 16 though. I've lost track! Not been getting to bed until midnight these last 2 months (can't do a lot of cleaning etc while she's "up" as the smells and so on..well, you know..so I've been doing it all after 10pm or whenever.) Last night she went to bed at 9, so I actually got an early night at 11.20..:)

It'll be a relief to actually SEE this child and be able to quantify the stress of it..:) Having an invisible entity poking buttons on your OH is quite unnerving...fascinating, yes..but unnerving! Nappies have to be easier. Apparently they're easier than a cats litter tray to deal with, so I'm laughing. Hmm..not sure I believe it though.

Pee

He is def not treating you properly and you do deserve to be treated well.

I agree with you that leaving him should be a last resort, but it is a last resort and better for you and the children than continuing in this same way for too long.

It is true that how you let people treat you is how they will treat you, and it will be enpowering for you to consider that it is partly a reaction to what you say and do that causes his behaviour. That's the good bit, because you can change how you deal with him and treat him etc. You can't change his behaviour.

Hopefully he's being an idiot because he can and because he's getting away with it. Counselling like Relate might be a good idea. You need him to realise that you are unhappy and that you will not put up with this, not said as harshly as that, but that is the bottom line.

He has two choices, either he will pull himself together and treat you properly and stop bickering with you like a seven year old or he won't and he will be a sad man watching tv or crying into his beer wondering why he lost the love of his life and his kids. (Hopefully he would continue to see his children, but my friends have told me that is not the same and nowhere near as good as living with them.) I know so many men in this position and I wonder what their other halves would have said if I was a confidant of theirs, would they describe a situation just as you do and a man quite oblivious to what he was about to lose stumbling through his relationship...

oystercatcher

Roxy, your story could have been me 16 years ago. Three children under three and a husband who wouldn't lift a finger .....he never hit me ...but I was 'forced' in bed ...can't say the 'R word' but it was that!!
Looking back it was emotional abuse. As a health profesional myself I was too scared to admit it it and to the midwives and health visitors he was as nice as pie and they used to tell me how lovely he was !!!!
I was frightened of losing my home and managing on my own as I had no income at the time as he didn't want me to work.....

Anyway we are divorced now, I felt so liberated to be on my own and managing my own affairs. I was lucky as he felt guilty about having an affair so he did pay me genorous maintainance and will until the youngest is 18.

I put up with an awful lot for a very long time, eventually, discovering he was having an affair pushed us into going for counselling and we decided to part. It really helped to talk stuff through and to be able to express my feelings and also hear how he saw things. Men do have a different way of thinking!

If you could persaude him to go for counselling with you or failing that if you could manage to 'escape' the children and go on your own it could help you work out a way forward. Just because divorce was right for us doesn't mean it's the way forward for you. He might change who knows but at least you'll have someone to listen and help you think things through.

I found my local library had loads of books abour relationships and communication and it helped me to read them and work out what had made us react the way we did .

In the meantime grab some rest and relaxation whenever you get a chance. Keep life as simple as possible to minimise the chores. Also, enjoy the children while they are little, mine are all huge now, still lovely but I can't believe it went so quickly !! It does get easier in the end .....

Hope you find a solution.

Love and hugs

Oystercatcher

galvanizersbaby

Sirbendy wrote: »

hang on, hang on..let me think...

erm..I *think* we're at the 15 week marker this tuesday..I need to check. It's been a long old week. This is "second trimester week 15" not "popped out sprog, week 15" of course..:) Could be week 16 though. I've lost track! Not been getting to bed until midnight these last 2 months (can't do a lot of cleaning etc while she's "up" as the smells and so on..well, you know..so I've been doing it all after 10pm or whenever.) Last night she went to bed at 9, so I actually got an early night at 11.20..:)

It'll be a relief to actually SEE this child and be able to quantify the stress of it..:) Having an invisible entity poking buttons on your OH is quite unnerving...fascinating, yes..but unnerving! Nappies have to be easier. Apparently they're easier than a cats litter tray to deal with, so I'm laughing. Hmm..not sure I believe it though.

Sorry I thought you had a newborn already - from memory in the 2nd trimester most people feel less sick/tired so hopefully your OH will be feeling a better.
Try and pace yourself for when the big event happens and the fun begins
I am sure you'll be fine with the nappies btw - you just sort of get on with it and then it doesn't seem to register - good luck