So down :(

RoxieW

Hi all - if you'll just allow me to rant I really feel the need to get this out.
I have a 2 and half month old son, as well as two older boys and last night I just felt so miserable I went to bed at 8pm and sobbed.
I'm knackered. I'm breastfeeding and baby is up every 3 hours in the night. If I'm lucky he'll settle back down - if not that's another half hour. I've got to the stage now where even a nap during the day or a lie in doesnt help - I'm feel like I'm walking through treacle all the time.
Things came to a head yesterday. I had to have a biop on a suspicious mole. I had 3 stitches - not v much I know but its in a very prominent place ie the top of my cleavage. Of course, my health is most importance but fingers crossed there's nothing sinister I was abit bummed out at having a scar there as, where the rest of my body has pretty much gone to pot after 3 kids, my breasts have beared up pretty well and are definately my best feature (my legs are awful - stretchmarks and veins!). So I was keen to follow the doctors advice to help minimise the scarring which was no exercise/heavy lifting for at least 4 - 6 weeks. Obviously with a baby weighing over a stone, and a pram to lug about thats not practical but I might have hoped hubby could have today off to help me and then it's the weekedn so at least I'd get 3 days for it to heal. But it seems even that is too much to ask for as hubby has a meeting today so has gone to work. But it was his attitude towrds my request which has upset me so much. Apparantly I need to "man up" and stop being so vain. I'm also pathetic. I should be grateful he took me to the hosp and watched our baby while I had the op - in his mind I should have gone on the bus and took the baby in with me so I can have it done whilst seeing to a probably crying baby. Then struggle with the bulky pram and baby on the bus home. I'm again pathetic for not doing that.
To me, that just epitomised everything that I'd been feeling. It's as if I'm such a low priority that I cant even have time to myself for something medical. I was as if he was saying that i dont matter, that my body doesnt matter (it's gone to pot anyway).
Another example is that I have to have a smear test and coil put in. I havent even asked him to take time of work so I can go and will have to ask a friend instead because his attitude will be cant you take him with you. Even the doctor has said to me dont take the baby, have the time to concentrate on yourself - as last time I went I had to take a baby and toddler with me who were creating throughout the procedure. It's also offputting for the doctor. But I suppose that will be seen as a pathetic attitude to take.
So anyway, feeling upset I took myself off to bed for an early night at 8pm last night. But baby wouldnt settle so I was constantly in and out to him - hubby stayed downstairs watching tv - even though he could hear what was going on.
At 10pm I went down and asked him to have a turn cos I wanted an early night. 5 mins later, baby screaming and did hubby come up - no of course not. When I went down 20 mins latercos the tv was blaring out he was playing on the nintendo ds. Eventually he came to bed but baby still wouldnt settle - I got up to him 3 more times before hubby snapped "God is it so hard to settle him down" and went in thinking he could do a better job cos of course I'm useless or not trying hard enough. 5 mins later, baby crying again. But he'd done his bit for the night then in getting up 1 out of 20 times.
Normally baby is quite good of an evening and it is night time that he starts creating so I leave hubby to his sleep as he has to get up for work. But last night he had no excuse as he was downstairs watching tv. I couldnt and still cant believe he didnt help. Esp as the lifting in and out of cot left me in pain on my chest.
Of course it'll be me thats being unreasonable or pathetic because I cant do it all on my own. Fact of the matter is the past week or two I've felt like I was sinking. I dread the next crying fit (baby, not me lol). I go to bed on an evening and feel sick because I know he'll be crying soon. Husband tries to get amorous and all I can think is that it's eating into the 1,2 maybe 3 hours sleep I can get. I walk the streets with the pram to settle the baby, lloking in the same boring shops. Or I go to a baby group but in truth I find the conversations boring. I'm putting up a happy, fake front for everyone around me. How sad that I can only be honest with strangers on an internet forum. I cant even tell my husband how I'm feeling for fear that he'll think me pathetic - not that it seems he respects me anyway.
At the minute I just want to pull the duvet up over my head and not come out.

lilian1977

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this honey. Have you thought about speaking to someone professionally? It seems like you need to talk to someone anonymous?

Lots of love xxx

flutterbyuk25

Also didn't want to read and run.

(((((hugs))))) for you.

Have you a health visitor that you could talk to? Or your GP?

x

Bargain_Rzl

Hi Roxie, I didn't want to read and run. Have you thought of seeing your GP over this? I don't mean to suggest that any of the things you have mentioned aren't real problems in their own right, but if you've got post-natal depression they will all be seeming far worse than they would otherwise. Hugs and I hope you feel better soon.

Capt._Caveman

Do you think it would be possible to let your husband read this? I've often got it wrong with my wife because I couldn't read her mind and had no idea what was making her unhappy. Men need simple, to the point ideas about how they can help.

Well done to you both to have a lovely baby together. Keep going...

puddles

Sorry you are feeling so down - from a male perspective, it's your husband that needs to man up and the wife and father that you and your children deserve. When our son was born (now just over a year old) I promised my wife that I'd be there with her for every injection or any time she needed me, and so far I've kept that promise - not just for her but because I want to be there for our son too. I know work can get very busy sometimes and sometimes meetings are unavoidable, but he should do his best to be there for you.

Maybe you do need to sit down and be firm with him when you tell him that you need his help. Us men can sometimes stick our heads in the sand be oblivious to the strifes of our wives - ask him to listen with no interuptions and explain that you can't go on like this and he needs to help, and he should want to!

sooz

Hi Roxie,

I too didn't want to read & run. Those first few months are so hard, my youngest is 16 weeks now, & still has colic. We too spend a lot of time walking, & I know what all my neighbours get up to & watch at night...does no-one shut their curtains? I've found no 3 to be really really hard work, much harder than going from one to two. For a start I feel I don't have enough hands. Or time.

Have you tried talking to your OH, when the baby isn't yelling? When you are both tired & grumpy, & the baby is screaming, is not the best time to try to talk.

As others have suggested, try talking to your HV or GP. Do you have a childminder or babysitter or someone who can look after the older two when needed? Would they take the baby for you for you to have an hour to yourself, even if it is just for a smear. Next time it could be for an hour's swim, or just a break, coffee & a newspaper (what's that??).

I am off to do just that now...she's going to be held by someone else for 1 hours, whilst I swim. Actually, I might just float...don't think I can be bothered to move

sooz

Capt._Caveman wrote: »

Do you think it would be possible to let your husband read this? I've often got it wrong with my wife because I couldn't read her mind and had no idea what was making her unhappy. Men need simple, to the point ideas about how they can help.

Quite agree. Hints don't work...& they can't translate sighs. Give clear specific instructions (perhaps with a please if you are feeling generous)

cuddlymarm

Hi Roxie

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. It is quite natural to be feeling this way, you must be shattered with the lack of sleep and your hormones will still be all over the place. I know he doesn't seem to be being that helpful but you really do need to try and tell your OH how you are feeling. Also do you have any family who might take a turn with the baby for a couple of hours here and there (people won't know you are struggling if you don't tell them) Also talk to your GP cos lots of women get postnatal depression and if you have it is no shame (its those dippy hormones again)

I hope you feel better soon and don't forget we are always here
Cuddles:rotfl:

Minxy_Bella

Oh you poor thing! I do know how you're feeling - my first husband was a complete nightmare. His attitude was 'you wanted the kids, so you deal with them' which made me want to kill him on a regular basis.

I do think your husband is being awful. My new husband takes time off work to come to gynae appointments with me - having a coil inserted is horrible enough but having to take the kids with you is horrendous!

You're bound to feel down about having your stitches as well as caring for a newborn - the problem is that you feel so isolated. You're not - there are thousands of women in your situation, hun and I think you should seek out some support. If you can't do it in real life, for whatever reason, have a read of some 'mummy' forums perhaps where everyone will know how tough it is. And you must go to your GP if things don't improve - life's too short to feel so miserable.

And talk to your husband. This is a time when you need him most and if he can't step up to the plate, then it will be him who loses out as you'll gradually become more independent from him and lose whatever love you still have for him.

Take care of yourself and your lovely kids.

xxxxxx

SmellyOldSock

hey sweetie, you are doing a great job!

First of all as you are breastfeeding little one is there anyway you could have him in with you? My little girl wouldn't settle so I just use to let her feed as and when, at least I got some sleep.

Secondly, you are the important part of it all. You're the glue holding the family together and if you fall apart then so will the rest.

thirdly, have you anybody around you that could help? My hubbie wasn't very good with the kids as babies, and it is very hard when they don't settle.

See you're GP, you may have 'baby blues' its really common, makes you feel completely pants, and everything is an effort.

Keep posting on here, we're all here to help.

love and hugs